Sunday, November 11, 2012

Jay Cutler's Brain: "I'm Glad I'm Not Deaf Because There Wouldn't Be Any Warnings for My Farts"

The Chicago Bears Weren't Booing One of Their Own Injured Players… No, Wait… They Were

There Are Now More Holes in the Turf at Soldier Field Than in Blackburn, Lancashire; And Though the Holes Were Rather Small They Had to Count Them All

An Annoyed Lovie Smith Sends Concussed Jay Cutler Home After Telling the Coach, Before Each Play, That There Are 44-Players On the Field

There Have Been So Many Turnovers During Texans-Bears Game That the NFL is Considering Turning Soldier Field Into a Bakery

Chicago Bears Playing Oprah Football With Texans: "You Get a Ball, and YOU Get a Ball!"

Chicago Bears Should Have Bought the San Diego Chargers' Unused Stock of Stick-'Em

NFL Game of the Week: 7-1 Chicago Bears (Only Loss to Packers) vs 7-1 Houston Texans (Only Loss to Packers) Tonight on NBC!

Lions Coach Jim Schwartz Explains Loss to Vikings: "The Madden Curse is Real… Don't Let Anyone Tell You Otherwise"

Mark Sanchez's Passes Have a Better Tip Percentage Than His Dinner Tabs

KNOW THE DIFFERENCE: Jets' Coach Rex Ryan Can't Choose While Seahawks' Coach Pete Carroll Chews… and Chews and Chews

NFL Fans Think Jets' Bi-Quarterback Status is Kinda Sexy

Mark Sanchez Confused with Concept of Having a Birthday by Giving Away Gifts

Jets' Head Coach Rex Ryan Wishes He Had a Third QB to Rotate In Games

Adrian Peterson Scores Against Lions' Defense with 61-Yard TD Run Proving Knee Ligaments Are Overrated

Madden Cursed Detroit Lions' Defense Knows Any Further Resistance Against Minnesota Vikings is Futile

Monday, October 15, 2012

Broncos Head Coach Norv Turner Currently Inquiring About "Mercy Rule"

Because of Phillip Rivers' Incessant Bitching, Even Replacement Refs Refused to Work Tonight's San Diego Game

Finally Peyton Manning Finds a Play That Works After Calling Special Audible: "Check, Check, 287, Orange Barrel, Reroute!"

Inspired by Papa John, Peyton Manning is Currently Conducting a Football Giveaway in San Diego

Most Denver Broncos Fans in Favor of Retiring Peyton Manning's Jersey… Like, Right Now

MNF Halftime Show Features an Interview With the 7-Year Old Girl Who Taught Phillip Rivers How to Throw a Football

MNF Halftime Interview to Feature Phillip Rivers Reminiscing of His Days Playing Alongside A.C. Slater at Bayside High

Peyton Manning Faults Papa John For His Now Visible Beer Gut

SURVEY: One Day After Green Bay's Lopsided Victory Over Texans Sunday, Packers' Fans 110% Happier, 98% Sexier & 1.3% More Productive at Work

Dallas Cowboys to Spend This Week Practicing How to Signal a Time-Out

Answer: Deep in the Heart of Texas; Question: Where Did the Packers Leave That Green & Gold Dagger?

Jay Cutler's Brain: "I Have the Sex Appeal of a Dictionary"

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Following 42-24 Upset Over Houston, Packers' QB Aaron Rodgers Tells Critics "Shhhh"; Texans' QB Matt Schaub Mumbles "Shhhhit"

McCarthy: "Carry On My Heyward Son!"

Danieal Manning: "Houston, I Have a Problem"

Packers Take Extra Caution After Discovering Some Houston Texans are Lepers

Packers: "If You Can't Have a B.J., a C.J. Will Do"

People in Corona Commercials Appear More Stoned Than Drunk

NFL Takes Sack Away From Texans' J.J. Watt; Lance Armstrong: "I Know the Feeling"

Packers' Fans: "4-2 Seahawks Have OUR Record"

With Today's Win Over Vikings, Washington Redskins Improve Their Record to III-III

Nicotine Patch on RGIII's Chin Apparently Working, Hasn't Lit Up Since Opening Kick-Off

Thanks to Detroit, Phrase "Feed Them to the Lions" Doesn't Seem as Threatening Anymore

Over 8-Million Watched Felix Baumgartner's Stratus Jump on Internet, 8-Million More Than Are Currently Watching Bengals-Browns Game

Jets Lead Colts 21-6 in 3rd; Refs Call TO to Verify It's Mark Sanchez in Green #6 Jersey

No One Has Yet Told WR the NFL Does Not Award Extra Points for Slam Dunking Football Over Goalpost After Scoring TD's

Sunday, September 30, 2012

With Today's Win, Packers Improve Their Record vs. Imperfect Refs to 1-1

FINAL: San Francisco 49ers 34-New York J-E-S-T, (Surely You) Jest, Jest, Jest! 0

Washington Redskins to Unveil New RG 3.1 Upgrade Next Week

One-Eyed Aaron & Packers Beat Saints by 1; FINAL: Green Bay 28-New Orleans 27

One-Eyed Rodgers to Nelson for TD; Packers 28-Saints 27 (4th)

Saints' Poke-Rodgers-in-the-Eye Defensive Strategy Pays Off; New Orleans Gets Ball Back

Packers' Fans Come to Realization That Regular NFL Referees Aren't All That Great Either

Green Bay Fans Happier Than Eddie Money Owning His Own Travel Agency; Rodgers to Jones TD Puts Packers Up 21-7 Over Saints in 2nd

While On Packers' Sidelines With Injury, M.D. Jennings Examines Self; Prognosis: "Questionable"

Packers' Greg Jennings With 1st* TD of Season (*Actually 2nd); Packers 14-Saints 7 (2nd)

Apparently Pass Interference Against Packers Still Legal in End Zone

UP NEXT: Green Bay Packers vs. New Orleans Saints in the "Goodell Eff'ed-Us-Over Bowl"

Packers' T.J. Lang Welcomes Regular Refs Back With Hug, Chocolates & Dozen Roses

Lions' Special Teams Squad Not All That Special

Fans Come to Realization That Regular NFL Referees Weren't All That Great Either

Lions' Coach Jim Schwartz Hopes Snarky Looks From Sideline Help Motivate Team

Trailing Vikings, Detroit Lions Adopt Gangnam Style Defense; Suh Has Moves Like Psy(cho)

BREAKING: Seattle Seahawks Actually Just Scored an Honest-to-God Genuine Touchdown

Vikings' Percy Harvin Runs 105-Yards for a TD on Opening Kick-Off; Lions' Special Team's Coach to Work on Pre-Game Motivational Speech

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Ref Finds Matt Schaub's Bloody Ear Piece at Mile High Stadium Same Day Pat Bowlen Discovers Horse's Head in Broncos Owner's SkyBox

Dotted White Chalk Outline Still On Phoenix Stadium Field Where Cards Took Out Michael Vick

Replacement Refs Relieved Lions' Coach Jim Schwartz Blames Loud Fans for His Failed 4th & 1 OT Call

New Orleans Saints Football Fans Witness New Disaster: "Katrina Who?"

Jim Schwartz Has Officially Become the New Marty Mornhinweg

Replacement Refs Now Taking Requests

Detroit Lions' Back-Up QB Shaun Hill's Hail Mary Pass Ties Game 41-41 at End Of Regulation; Matthew Stafford Now Out-of-Work

Replacement Ref Throws Red Flag, Challenges His Own Call

CLARIFYING: Christian QB Currently Beating the 49ers NOT Tim Tebow

Chicago Bears and St. Louis Rams End 1st Quarter with a Touching "Football Follies" Tribute to Steve Sabol

Jay Cutler's Brain: "If I Pee on the Football, Will That Make It Mine?"

Panicked Vikings Unexpectedly Find Themselves Leading 49ers 7-0 in 1st; Not Sure How They Got There or What to Do Next

Disgruntled Football Fan Can't Wait Until Real Refs Return So He Can Yell, "You Guys Suck! Bring Back the Scabs!"

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Detroit Lions Feeling "Chippy" Prior to Match-Up with Niners

Lions-Niners Game is Opening Act to Real Show: Harbaugh-Schwartz Post-Game Handshake

Tonight's Lions-Niners Game: First Time Parole Officers Outnumber Press on Sidelines

FINAL: Jeff Fisher's Mustache 31-Washington Redskins III 28

FINAL: Those Ugly Neon Green Jerseys 27-Dallas Cowboys 7

If Jerry Jones Still Had His Old Face He'd Be Scowling Over Dallas Cowboys' Sucky Performance in Seattle Today

After Second Straight Loss, New Orleans Saints' Fans Think Their Players Could Use Some Incentive

FINAL: Commissioner Roger Goodell 35-New Orleans Saints 27

Ravens' WR Jacoby Jones Happy He Finally Gets to Use His Boo Boo Child-Inspired Football TD Dance Routine

Miami NFL Announcer: "DolphinSwim! DolphinSwim! DolphinSwim!"

Jay Cutler's Brain: "If We Ever Send Humans to the Sun it's Probably Best to Go at Night"

Clearly Tom Brady was Too Busy Learning the Dance Moves to "Gangnam Style" Instead of Preparing for Today's Arizona Game

Oakland Raiders Adopt Gangnam Style Defense

Sunday, September 9, 2012

BREAKING: Beer Will Not Be Sold at Lambeau Field This Season Because the Packers Lost Their Opener

Packers Fans Relieved They Now Won't Have to Worry About the Pressures of Working Towards a Perfect Season

Packers' Defense on a Mission to Keep Randy Moss's Pants On

Instead of a Coin Toss, Confused Replacement Refs Begin Today's Packers-Niners Game with a Jump Ball

Know the Difference: Adam Podlish is the Chicago Bears' Punter; Jay Cutler is the Chicago Bears' Pouter

Matthew Stafford's 2nd Half Game Strategy is to Continue Completing Passes, but Says He Will Now Try to Throw Them to His Own Receivers

Jacksonville Jaguars Hold 2nd Quarter 9-0 Lead Over Minnesota Vikings in Battle NOT to Move to LA

Chicago Bears' QB Jay Cutler Named as New TV Spokesperson for the Illinois Lottery's "Pick-6" Game

As Chicago Prepares for Their Game Against the Colts, the Only Luck Bears Will Have Today Will Be On the Other Team

Over/Under from Jimmy the Greek Still Decidedly Under… by About Six Feet

ESPN Dubs Green Bay Packers "Franchise of the Decade"… Minnesota Vikings: "Franchise of the Decadent"

As Green Bay Prepares for Home Opener vs. Niners, Packers' Fans More Concerned That Aaron Rodgers' May Be a Boyz II Men Fan

US Department of Education to Distribute Emergency Digraph Aid to Phonetically Strapped "Who Dat" Nation at Superdome During Saints' Home Opener

Friday, September 7, 2012

Because of a Buccaneers' TV Black-Out Due to Poor Ticket Sales, Tampa Stadium Announces Plans to Bring In Clint Eastwood at Halftime to Talk to Thousands of Empty Seats

Candidates Ask: "Are You Better Off Than You Were 4-Years Ago?" Green Bay Packers Fans Say "Yes!"

Do the Arithmetic:

  • 2008 Packers: 6-10 and 3rd in Division
  • 2009 Packers: 11-5 with a Playoff Appearance
  • 2010 Packers: Super Bowl XLV Champs!
  • 2011 Packers: An Amazing 15-1 Regular Season

Vote the Green (& Gold) Party!  Go Pack!

 Ted Thompson: "And I approved this message."

Updated Guinness "Book of Records" Now Lists World's Shortest Joke: "The Bears"

Minnesota Vikings Working with Old Navy to Print and Sell Team Super Bowl Championship T-Shirts

Undefeated and League-Leading Cowboys (1-0) to Be Honored by the Mayor of Dallas with Complimentary Get-Out-of-Jail-Free Cards

Monday, September 3, 2012

Chicago Bears' Equipment Manager Spotted Stocking Up on Chemical Ice Packs for Jay Cutler's Ass

DNC Trivia: Charlotte is Home to the Coca Cola 600 Which Paul Ryan Claims to Have Once Won on Foot

Mike Holmgren Finally Admits to Close Friends that He Works for the Cleveland Browns

Five Things Packers Fans Can Do To Honor Vince Lombardi

The greatest coach in the history of the National Football League passed away exactly 42-years ago today.  To celebrate the winning life of Vince Lombardi, here are five simple things every die-hard Green Bay Packers fan should do to honor his life today.

√ Grab a sharp, metal object and wedge a gap between your two front teeth.
√ Wear a fedora.
√ Grab a broom and clean your kitchen using the Power Sweep.
√ Establish a personal curfew and then threaten to fine yourself if you break it.
√ Every time someone approaches you, yell "What the hell's going on out here!" at the top of your lungs.

Little known Vince Lombardi quote: "Beaten Bears make good rugs."