Saturday, April 30, 2011

REX RYAN: "TUBBY, OR NOT TUBBY? THAT IS THE QUESTION"

(April 30, 2011) --- Confronting growing doubts that could undermine his return to (a big chunk of) the New York Jets sidelines, head coach Rex Ryan finally responded to all “Girthers” who have been questioning his identity or, as some put it... identities.

The controversy began late last season when rival head coach Bill Belichick of the New England Patriots began wondering aloud if Ryan was really, really fat... or maybe instead he's actually more than just one person. Belichick says that if Ryan is indeed multiple people as he suspects, he’s therefore ineligible to fill the roll as the Jets’ lone head coach as having more than the league-allowed “one” head coach would be an unfair advantage over the other teams in the league.

New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan said the Girther issue had become a major distraction from the more important matters in his life today such as the NFL lock-out, the college draft and his weekend ventriloquist gig at Broadway Joe's Karaoke Pub & Grill in Hoboken.
Since then, the debate has taken on a life of its own and football fans, especially those in the New England area, have been demanding Ryan produce certifiable proof that he really is as portly as he says he is.

Acknowledging that this “sideshow” had gone on long enough, Ryan’s lawyers publicly produced the coach’s detailed long-form girth-certificate last week during a press conference outside of Louie’s “Big and Tall Men’s Fashion Barn” in East Rutherford, New Jersey.

Ryan’s surprising reaction came as the NFL saw that doubts about his size — and therefore the possible legitimacy to be a head coach — were growing, in more ways than one. But despite providing the league with his Official US Assport (which clearly depicts a total of just two "Ivory Flash White" cheeks in the "Saggy Couch-Pototo Giant Jello Bubble-Butt" category), most Girthers still remain skeptical.

Girthers assert Ryan is way too large and wins too many games to be just one head coach.

Conspiracies about Rex Ryan's actual girth, though widely debunked, have been growing.  A recent PackerPage-CBS News Poll found that more than 65% of adult AFC fans said they believed Ryan is actually more than one person, big enough to qualify as two people, or just weren't sure and would like to poke him with a really long stick first.

Now, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has joined the fray and said it has become necessary to take steps to try to further deflate the issue. Goodell has demanded that Ryan step-up to the scale and allow an independent league physician to check under his clothes to determine exactly how many humans are in there.

"We do not have time for this kind of silliness. And we're not going to be able to solve our problems if we get distracted by sideshows and shabbily dressed sweat-shirted candid-camera cheating sideline carnival barkers,” proclaimed Ryan. “Damn straight!” concurred a voice coming from underneath his shirt.

In other football news, the up-start Green Bay Chill of the Lingerie Football League has just started selling season tickets to fans in Wisconsin. Although interest in attending games has been high, few actual tickets have been sold as most everyone has been demanding to be seated in or near section DD.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FAUXBALL?

(April 19, 2011) --- The NFL released their schedule today so football fans from New England to San Diego and Seattle to Miami will have the opportunity to see where and when their favorite team won’t be playing this year.


While the Green Bay Packers are still in the process of finalizing some of their game-day promotions for Lambeau Field this year, the Chicago Bears have already announced that they will kick-off the season at home with "Guarenteed Loss Sunday" followed by the Soldier Field fan-favorite "Complimentary Projectile Night."   

With the NFL lockout going into its sixth week, the league thought it would be a good time to take the focus off of the owner’s battle for everyone’s money and instead put it on a sop schedule... even if the hypnotizing influence on football-starved fans will last but only a few days. Psychologists say the effect is similar to the “What If” syndrome lottery ticket-holders experience when they first stare at that little piece of paper they just bought from the 7-11 hoping for the big-bucks while knowing deep-down they’ll still have to show up for work the next week.

But despite the league’s current labor dispute, it is a noteworthy schedule, especially for Green Bay Packers fans.

Not only will the Packers be playing in the league’s first game of the season (Thursday, September 8, 2011 versus the New Orleans Saints)... but they will also be playing in the league’s last game of the season (Sunday, February 5th, 2012 in Super Bowl XLVI).

And according to league historians, this will be the very first time one NFL team will play on all seven major U.S. holidays. This season Green Bay is scheduled for Thanksgiving Day (at Detroit), Christmas Day (Chicago), New Year’s Day (Detroit), End of Daylight Saving Time (at San Diego), Give A Homeless Person a Hug Day (Minnesota), National One-Hit-Wonder Day (at Chicago), and Ear Appreciation Day (Tampa).

Here's a nice picture taken precisley at the Crack of Dawn.  Question: If there isn't a 2011 NFL season, will you put all your support with the girls of your new Green Bay Chill of the Lingerie Football League?  (Incidentally, Dawn didn't get the first down as she was a little behind.)

Although the Minnesota Viking are scheduled to play with the Redskins, Raiders, Panthers, Cardinals, Broncos and Chiefs in 2011... Brett Favre has hinted that this will finally be the year he officially plays with himself.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

GIMME SOME OF THAT OLD PACK MAGIC

(April 14, 2011) --- The Green Bay Packers are in panic mode. And so are some of their fans.

After three rounds of voting and the elimination of 28 players so far, Aaron Rodgers is one of four NFL athletes still alive in the "Madden NFL 12" tournament to determine who will grace the cover of the next edition of the popular video game.

As of today, the four players remaining in the Madden NFL 2012 cover-art play-offs are Aaron Rodgers and the more deserving candidates Peyton Hillis, Michael Vick and Adrian Peterson. Incidentally, the only time Green Bay suffered anything close to an evil spell was when head coach Dan Devine's vengeful dog came back from the beyond to haunt the Packers into rolling over and playing dead during the decade of the 80's.
If Rodgers wins in the semi-finals this week against Peyton Hillis, Aaron will most likely be pitted against running back Adrian Peterson for the final battle to become Madden’s cover boy. But is this a victory Packers fans want?

“We’re willing to concede this contest to Adrian Peterson and the Minnesota Vikings. They are more deserving of this honor than we are,” said Packers General Manager Ted Thompson. “Besides, their 2011 season is gonna be mucked-up anyway... even without a ‘Madden Curse’.”

Rodgers, on the other hand, says he’s not scared of “the Curse.” But that’s exactly what Michael Vick said before body parts started falling off of the dude.

Green Bay fans don’t want to take the chance. That’s probably why Packer Backers say they plan to vote against Rodgers and say they are willing to let Vikings fans enjoy a rare championship for once in their lives by putting their support behind Adrian Peterson. As one generous Packers fan who voted for Peterson put it; “It feels good to take the time and do something nice for that underprivileged and now homeless team in our division.”


The History of the 'Madden Curse'

Although it was at first intended to be an honor, appearing on Madden’s video game box-art has turned into more of a horror. Much like the Sports Illustrated cover jinx, players who appear on Madden NFL have eerily experienced a decline in performance, injuries or just plain bad luck. Here’s a look at the athletes who have appeared on the boxes and what happened to them since getting whammied by John.

Madden NFL 2001
After victim #1, Eddie George, appeared on the cover, the Tennessee Titans running back broke a toe when he accidentally dropped his Heisman Trophy on his right foot while he was taking a shower.

Madden NFL 2002
After appearing on the Madden cover, quarterback Daunte Culpepper blew-out both of his knees when he slipped on one of Fred Smoot’s discarded condoms during the team’s infamous Sex Boat Cruise.

Madden NFL 2003
Running back Marshall Faulk suffered a big financial set-back after his Madden debut when his agent accidentally omitted the word “million” when writing up his contract for the St. Louis Rams which resulted in Faulk earning a total of only $43.95 over seven-years.

Madden NFL 2004
Of all the athletes to appear on Madden’s cover, no one’s career went to the dogs quicker than Michael Vick, and he's still suffering from the curse today. Aside from keeping him on a very short leash, it turns out the Atlanta Falcons have been paying their quarterback in kibble.

Madden NFL 2005
It took just months after appearing on the video game cover for Ray Lewis’s life to go from bad to worse. Still today, every time an NFL game goes into “sudden death,” law enforcement authorities immediately consider the Baltimore linebacker as their prime suspect.

Madden NFL 2006
Ever since his appearance on Madden, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb has been in intense daily therapy battling depression. He’s still trying to get over the fact that he was once replaced in a regular season game by A.J. Feeley.

Madden NFL 2007
The morning after his face appeared on the cover of the NFL video game, Seattle Seahawks running back Shaun Alexander’s eyes bugged-out, his tongue began wagging uncontrollably while his head started spinning like a top. He may have been suffering the effects of the “Madden Curse” but it did help him get the leading role in the new film “Exorcist IV: The NF Hell.”

Madden NFL 2008
After a stellar 2007 season, Tennessee QB Vince Young’s career seemed to disappear... literally. In September of 2008, just before taking a snap during the 3rd quarter of a game against the Jaguars, there was a giant puff of smoke as Young spontaneously combusted, vanishing into thin air. All that was left behind was a mysterious powder blue-colored globule on the football. Incidentally, the Titans other hex was successfully removed last January when the team finally expelled Randy Moss.

Madden NFL 2009
Brett Favre appeared on the Madden cover under the impression he was retiring from football, but then decided to unretired into the New York Jets line-up and Jenn Sterger’s cell-phone. Although he immediately went on to lead the league in throwing interceptions, the bigger shame came when football fans got a look at his other shortcomings.

Madden NFL 2010
The season after Troy Polamalu and his giant head-of-hair graced the Madden cover, the Pittsburgh Steelers safety suffered a major set-back in his personal life when he was diagnosed with a wicked case of split-ends.

Madden NFL 2011
In the months since Drew Brees landed on front of Madden’s video game box last year, the cute little mole he’s always had on the right side of his cheek has become a bit more prominent since the curse took effect. In fact, it’s growing so fast now that the New Orleans Saints equipment manager expects to fit the mole with its own helmet by the start of the 2011 NFL season.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

NFL’S NEXT MATCH-UP: BILLIONAIRES VS. MILLIONAIRES

(April 7, 2011) --- NFL owners and players are about to head to court for a battle to decide who is greedier. With the lockout now at three weeks and no end in sight, attorneys for the NFL and its locked-out players will go before Judge Judy today (check local listings) -- and until it’s resolved several very important issues will remain up-in-the-air... like the future of the $9 billion business, the 2011 season, and which team gets stuck with Randy Moss.

Here's a nice picture of a few NFL Owners gathering for one of their weekly team meetings to decide on several very important issues, like whether or not to invest any more of their money in another round of Miller Lite.  "Here's mud in your 'ayes'!"
The players are asking for an immediate end to the lockout on the basis of "irreparable harm" to their careers and owners say that if their stadiums are empty this year they may have to endure a major loss of income. Apparently, it’s already becoming rather dire. To prepare for possible unemployment, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady has already begun rationing his bimbos. And Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones claims that if there isn’t a 2011 season he may be forced to share a limo with his wife.