Wednesday, March 30, 2011

TWIN FREAKS

(March 31, 2011) --- The Super Bowl is back in the spotlight, again.

This time critics are claiming that football fans were deceived by Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger and his... body-double.

Sure, it was Ben on the field taking the snaps for the Steelers during their loss to the Green Bay Packers in Super Bowl XLV, but it turns out the guy in front of the cameras during all of those pre and post-game interviews was a Roethlisberger impersonator.

Separated at birth?  Apparently the "Roethlisberger Swap" turned out to be the biggest hoax in NFL history since American football fans were sold on the idea that the Dallas Cowboys were "America's Team."
The story only came to light after an out-of-work actor – identified as Harold Aypmann – submitted his resume and head-shot to Marc E. Platt, a movie producer who is working on an upcoming feature film based on the popular video game “Donkey Kong.” Platt found it extremely curious that the most recent experience on Aypmann’s list of acting gigs was playing the role of Roethlisberger in last February’s Super Bowl.

After the press got a hold of the story, Aypmann finally admitted that the Steelers hired the actor to step-in for the Pittsburgh QB during all press conferences. As Ben’s look-a-like tells it, the authentic Roethlisberger wasn’t all that charming in front of the camera, plus he got tired of answering questions about his sleazebag past.

If you examine this Super Bowl XLV photograph very, very carefully, you'll discover that this is not the real Roethlisberger, as everyone knows Ben doesn't own a classy sports jacket.  In hindsight, another dead-giveaway was when "Ben" told a sports reporter, "Everyone knows that 15-minutes could save you 15-points or more on defense."
To avoid being fined by the NFL for ducking interviews, the Pittsburgh Steelers hired a stand-in. And with the assistance of one of Hollywood’s most talented special-effects make-up artists, the bogus Ben became the spitting-image of the real Roethlisberger... right down to the sunken eyes, dopey stare, chubby cheeks and unique unibrow.

Although the Steelers organization steadfastly denies using a Roethlisberger body-double during Super Bowl week, they did admit to the PackerPage that running back Rashard Mendenhall is actually a semi-autonomous electro-mechanical humanoid robot.

One mystery that has yet to be debunked is the almost century-old legend that Soldier Field was engineered by evil space aliens and then constructed by a clan of enslaved Bigfoots who built the stadium on an sacred ancient Indian burial ground which is currently haunted by flesh-eating football-hating ghouls.
"The Steelers wanted to create this idea in people's minds that Ben was some kind of humble, caring gentleman,” said Aypmann. “And since we all know the real Roethlisberger could never pull-off something like that, they chose me to charm America!”

The Academy of Television and Arts is investigating the situation and says that if the body-double story is true, there may be an Emmy nomination for Aypmann. A T&A spokesperson remarked, “It’s kinda like when a fake Paul McCartney secretly replaced the real Paul McCartney after he died in a 1967 car accident. It’s the exact same situation... except for the fact that Ben can’t sing, didn’t die, and likes the Rolling Stones better.”

In related news, the governor of Minnesota declared April 1st “Minnesota Vikings Day” to commemorate the team’s 50th anniversary of impersonating a professional football team.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

AARON RODGERS: FAIR CATCH!

(March 21, 2011) --- Just weeks after helping elevate his team to Super Bowl XLV champions, it seems as though Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers has given new meaning to the term "Most Valuable Player."

Over the past several weeks, TMZ reported spotting Rodgers spending some of his personal time with a few beautiful, high-profile babes... most recently Hillary Scott (Lady Antebellum), Erin Andrews (ESPN), Julie Henderson (the Grapefruit Heiress), Mila Kunis ("Black Swan") and Jessica Szohr ("Gossip Girl").

Sure, Super Bowl MVP Aaron Rodgers has been doing just fine with the ladies, but apparently the only "leap" Aaron plans to take at this stage of his life will be limited to Lambeau Field.
Soon after those rumors began to circulate through the Badger State, Packer Backers suddenly became concerned that their star QB was turning into a Tom Brady or, worse, a Tony Romo.

Well, Wisconsin football fans can breathe a sigh of relief; Aaron has not become a man-whore.

Turns out the "dates" were all set up by the producers of a new NFL Network reality program based on the popular ABC series "The Bachelor” which will feature some of the league’s most eligible field generals.

Jessica Szohr, Erin Andrews, Maria Kanellis, Julie Henderson, Hillary Scott and Mila Kunis are six of the finalists on the new NFL Newtork reality series "The QuarterBachelor."  But who will Aaron Rodgers pick to be his Lambeau Lady?  Currently, Vegas oddsmakers have Kunis as the best-bet at 2:1 simply because she once attended high school in Point Place, Wisconsin.
In the first season of "The QuarterBachelor" -- which is about to wrap up production -- Rodgers is paired-up with celebrity models and actresses, all with the ultimate goal of “sacking the quarterback.”

Cameras will cover the usual dates, dinners and behind-the-scenes cat-fights, but producers have added their own special twist to the reality program. For instance, instead of handing out the traditional roses, the QuarterBachelor passes out footballs. And if they "go long” and eventually “score," the woman improves her chances of advancing into the next round.

NFL Network executives have been keeping a tight-lid on the results of the production, but insiders close to the PackerPage have leaked a few details. For instance, Erin Andrews failed to make the cut because Rodgers didn’t think she looked all that sexy wearing a cheesehat. And apparently Chicago-born Maria Kanellis (singer, model, professional wrestler) was eliminated after she was challenged to serenade Aaron with, what turned out to be, a less-than-enthusiastic vocal performance of “The Bears Still Suck Polka.”

In the upcoming second season of "The QuarterBachelor," Chicago Bears signal-caller Jay Cutler confesses to one of his dates that, as a rookie, he discovered the Wonderlic Test isn't as sexy as it sounds.
The debut episode of “The QuarterBachelor” will air on the NFL Network this Sunday night, immediately following the documentary “The Dallas Cowboys: America’s Bling.” In this team biography, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones brags about the special connection he has with the average Dallas football fan during an interview conducted while he bathes in his gold-plated Jacuzzi filled with $100 bills.