Saturday, February 26, 2011

ROETHLISBERGER: MEA CULPATHETIC

(February 26, 2011) --- Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger held an impromptu press conference to remind everyone again how he disappointed his team-mates and his city after a 31-25 defeat in Super Bowl XLV at the hands of the Green Bay Packers. "I feel like I let the city of Pittsburgh down, the fans, my coaches and teammates," said Roethlisberger. "It's not a good feeling."

The Steelers' QB coughed up a couple of key interceptions, including one that was returned for a touchdown by Packers safety Nick Collins. "That was all me," said Roethlisberger. "I don't put the blame on anybody but myself."

Roethlisberger: "There is no excuse for me."
After forcing a punt, Pittsburgh drove to midfield, but turned the ball over again when Roethlisberger's pass was intercepted by defensive back Jarrett Bush which lead to another Packers touchdown, giving Green Bay a 21-3 lead in the second quarter. "There are a lot of throws I'd like to have back, and that was one of them," the Steelers leader said as he wiped away a tear. "Totally my fault."

The Steelers finally were able to put points on the board in the 2nd quarter with a Shaun Suisham field goal. "Again, my error. Should have been six instead of just three. I was the guy who came up short on that drive. While we were kicking that field goal, I was on the sidelines kicking myself. Again, I screwed-up big-time."

The NFL is still working out some sort of compensation for the Super Bowl XLV ticket holders who were turned away from Cowboys Stadium after the Arlington Fire Department determined hundreds of upper-level seats and Jerry Jones's latest facelift to be "poorly constructed."
By the time the Black Eyed Peas took to the field for their Super Bowl halftime show, the Steelers were within 11-points of the Pack. "I know how disappointed most everyone was with Fergie's rendition of 'Sweet Child 'O' Mine'," said Big Ben as he hung his head. "I just want to take this opportunity to apologize from the bottom of my heart.... especially to Guns and Roses fans.” Ben also pleaded with everyone to go easy on Christina Aguilera. He confessed, "Instead of just standing there staring at her ass while she was botching up the National Anthem, I should have sang louder to help her along with the lyrics. I didn't, and I let Christina and a lot of patriotic Americans down."

The Steelers did manage to cut their deficit to three-points late in the 4th quarter, but the Packers defense held on for the win. "You know, there's nothing worse than to give your fans false-hopes, and that's exactly what I did. I'm a mean and horrible man. Let me be the first to point both of my fingers directly at myself."

Instead of a seventh Steelers Super Bowl trophy, the Packers got to take home a 13th NFL Championship. "I am truly very sorry for the grief I have caused the people of Pittsburgh. There is only one loser in this Super Bowl... and that loser is me. GOD, I suck."

The PackerPage has confirmed that Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has a girlfriend and is engaged to be married.  Does this now mean Michael Vick has permission to get that pet dog he always wanted?
Roethlisberger closed his press conference with a personal invitation to all Steelers fans to line-up and kick him in the ass for free. Said Ben, in a standing but prone position, "Do me a favor, just kick my ass, okay? Kick this ass for a man, that's all, kick my ass... enjoy! C'mon... I'm not asking, I'm telling with this... kick my ass!"

In related news, Tyndale House Publishing plans to release a new coffee-table book on the complete NFL career of re-re-re-retired quarterback Brett Favre. The hundreds of photographs in the book start with his very last season with the Minnesota Vikings and trace back, in reverse chronological order, to his days in the league when he used to wear pants.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

REVOLUTION SPREADS FROM MIDWEST TO MIDDLE EAST

(February 16, 2011) --- Shouts of "Victory!" and "Thirteen!" were heard as fireworks lit up the sky while hundreds of thousands of Egyptians danced, wept and prayed in joyful anarchy during a number of historic rallies which have taken place over the past two-weeks. Slogan-screaming demonstrators, some waving the sports section of the Egyptian newspaper Al-Ahram, chanted their approval of the new rulers of American football.

During last week's Super Bowl broadcast -- which reached a record 111-million viewers worldwide -- freedom loving Packer Backers in Egypt displayed solidarity with their democratic brothers in Green Bay with such spirited chants as, "Death to the infidel Steelers!" and "Crimany-Cairo, go Pack go!"
Just days after the recent regime change in the NFL, Egyptians were inspired to rise up and stage their own coup. It was the continued presence of pro-Packer protesters which helped to drive Egypt's longtime leader, and staunch Steelers supporter, Hosni Mubarak from power. Soon, stories of Green Bay's inspirational triumph over the Pittsburgh monarchy in Super Bowl XLV began to filter into the neighboring African and Gulf countries of Tunisia, Bahrain, Jordan, Libya, Yemen and even Iran where the people began to come together in support of the NFL's only democratic team.

It has been well documented that the publicly-owned Green Bay Packers football franchise -- the world's only professional sports democracy -- was instrumental in the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991 and the fall of the Steel Curtain earlier this month.  Here's a nice vintage photograph of President John F. Kennedy in West Berlin in 1963 when he uttered those immortal words, "Ich bin ein GrĂ¼n Bayliner!"
Despite the government's latest attempts to stifle incoming news by shutting down the internet in Iran, word of the Green Bay Packers' 13th NFL Championship began to spread across the country like wildfire. Within days, thousands gathered throughout the city of Tehran... some paying tribute to their hero by emulating Aaron Rodgers' championship-belt gesture, others offered support by burning effigies of Ben Roethlisberger.

In Algeria, citizens took to the streets demanding their own leader, President Abdelaziz Bouteflika, leave office as well. News reports say crowds were in the thousands and all chanted, "Bouteflika out!" and "The Bears still suck!" Bouteflika, as most Algerians know, has had strong ties to the Chicago Bears.

Here's your PackerPage geography lesson for the day: Pakistan (left), Packer Stan (right).  Know the difference!
Hundreds in Jordan celebrated the Packers' Super Bowl conquest, some by wearing homemade goat cheese hats on top of their heads while others held up giant posters of Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers while exclaiming "M.V.P! M.V.P!"

And a group calling itself "The Revolution of the 6th of February" used Facebook to organize protests in Bahrain when King Shaikh Hamad bin Isa Al Khalifa suddenly confiscated all of the country's bratwurst for their own private tailgate just days before the opening kick-off of Super Bowl XLV. Infuriated citizens were further outraged when the royal family cut off beer sales to the country at the end of the 3rd quarter.

As the great statesman Gabe Lincoln once declared: "...that this Packer nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom... and that government of the Cheeseheads, by the Cheeseheads, for the Cheeseheads, shall not perish from the earth, aina-hey."
In the U.S., President Barack Obama has been closely monitoring both the NFL and Egyptian situations from the White House and reported yesterday that his Chicago team told him they will once again regain their power and stature in the league. But like Mubarak, da-Bears are both Hosnied and in da-Nile.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

THE VINCE LOMBARDI TROPHY: AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW

(February 13, 2011) --- The Vince Lombardi Trophy is happy to be back home. Make that, extremely happy.

"Let me tell you, the last 12-months in New Orleans were a nightmare," said the Lombardi Trophy. "It’ll take me months to shake that stench... and you know what else? I think I put on 10-pounds."

Here's a nice picture of those five lucky bastards who have never missed a single Super Bowl.  Said the Vince Lombardi Trophy, "I've missed births, weddings, funerals, but I've never missed a Super Bowl... or a chance to thumb my nose at Buffalo Bills fans."
Sure, representing the best of the best in professional football is a huge responsibility and at times has its benefits, but occasionally it just plain sucks. “I swear,” said the Lombardi Trophy, “If I hear ‘Who dat!’ one more time, I’m seriously gonna cut somebody.”

Following a 12-month assignment in New Orleans, the seven-pound, sterling silver ambassador to the National Football League is back in Titletown, USA thanks to a 31-25 Green Bay Packers victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers in Super Bowl XLV last Sunday. “It’s so good to be home,” he said as a tear rolled down its shiny 22-inch frame. Then, suddenly, a smile appeared. “The first thing on my ‘to-do’ list; get a butter-burger from Krolls!”

It was on January 15, 1967 when Dr. Pete Rozelle delivered a newborn Vince Lombardi Trophy (7-pounds, 22-inches) and presented him to his father for the first time.  Just after this picture was taken, coach Lombardi checked the young Trophy's diaper and then yelled, "What the smell's going on in there!"
It’s no wonder the league’s most sought-after prize holds Wisconsin close to his heart. The Vince Lombardi Trophy was born there on January 15, 1967 and spent the first two-years of his life growing up in Green Bay with his namesake; legendary Packers coach Vincent Thomas Lombardi, Sr.

Then, just three-days before his 2nd birthday, little Vince was taken from the relative laidback quiet of his birthplace of Wisconsin and relocated to the hustle and bustle of New York City. "Although I was homesick, I must admit that New York in 1969 was an experience I'll never forget. I froze my silver ass off during the Blizzard of '69, got naked with the cast of “Hair” on Broadway, and even partied backstage with Hendrix at Woodstock. It was definitely a groovy time!”

When Joe Namath's Jets and the Miracle Mets both coincidentally won championships for New York City in 1969, the Lombardi Trophy and the Commissioner's Trophy became fast friends.  Here's a nice photo of the two trophies waiting for the Dead to take the stage at Woodstock.
The Lombardi Trophy is fully aware his obligations are to the NFL’s winning team and that he must be prepared to relocate at the end of every season, so he says he tries not to get too attached to any particular city. And although his career takes him coast-to-coast and he gets to see much of the country, he said it can still be a bit difficult being so far away from home. “Don’t tell anyone... but no matter where I've had to live, I’ve always considered myself a Cheesehead at heart.”

During the 70’s the Lombardi Trophy took residence in Kansas City (“soooo bored”), Baltimore (“held-up five-times”), Pittsburgh (“too many mullets”) and Miami (“those two years were a complete blur”).

Then -- while it seemed as though most of the 80’s were spent exploring San Francisco and DC -- Little Vince said the decade was completely tarnished by twelve torturous months held hostage by the Bears in 1986. “Those perverts did things to me that have scarred me for life. And try as I might, I still can’t totally erase that image of Ditka’s naked body from my brain. Yikes!”

And although the Lombardi Trophy has been to the Upper Midwest several times, oddly enough, he said he’s never been to Minnesota. “I’m just a little bit curious... are Vikings fans really that whiney?”

So, what’s next for the Lombardi Trophy? Well, no one knows for sure, not even the Trophy itself. But after four decades of living out of apartments and hotel rooms, for the first time he’s looking into buying a home in Green Bay. “I have a feeling,” said the Lombardi Trophy, “I’m gonna be here for a while.”

In related news... the PackerPage has recently discovered that just minutes after singer Christina Aguilera messed-up the lyrics in front of a record 111-million Super Bowl XLV viewers, she begged officials for, "another chance to sing the 'The Star Spangled Poster Song'.”

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

TITLETOWN TO UNDERGO SUPER BOWL MAKE-OVER

(January 7, 2011) --- As the little town of Green Bay, Wisconsin savors it's 13th NFL Championship following their 31-25 win over the Pittsburgh Steelers in Super Bowl XLV, Titletown city fathers are already underway with preparations for a nationally televised welcome-home parade and celebration. But instead of a few touch-ups, it was more like a full-blown face-lift.
After #12 brought Green Bay #13, Super Bowl XLV MVP quarterback Aaron Rodgers appeared on the "Late Show with David Letterman."  Earlier on the same program, David's audience was treated to a segment of "Stupid Human Tricks" where a Bears fan ate his own poop.
"Because the NFL Network will be carrying our festivities live, we had to go into hyper-mode to make our town of around 100,000 look like all the other metropolitan cities in the league," said Mayor James Schmitt. "We had to take steps to dumb-down and dirty-up the looks of our city. Network officials told us that the rest of the world just ain't ready to believe there actually is a place as honest and idyllic and charming and naive as Green Bay."

Working in cooperation with several of the larger metros in the Upper Midwest, the city of Green Bay has been very busy with their task of "slumming it up." In their mission for authenticity, they have already bussed in dozens of homeless people from downtown Chicago, hookers from Hennepin Avenue in Minneapolis and truck-loads of "real" garbage from the streets of Detroit. Said Schmitt, "We've even gone the extra step and hired several top-notch drug dealers from Dallas."
Here's a nice picture of one of the many men the City of Green Bay hired from Chicago this week to help give Titletown that "big city" look.  This particular Chicago fan said he hasn't washed his lucky Bears t-shirt since his team won their one and only Super Bowl in 1985.  The citizens of Milwaukee are reminded of that fact whenever there's a strong southerly breeze.
Schmitt said, "We've also been very busy tacking-up temporary foreclosure signs on financially-sound homes along Lombardi Avenue, had the city dig hundreds of pot-holes on our perfectly good streets and roads, and we even constructed a few realistic-looking porn shop storefront facades in front of some of the banks, restaurants and daycare centers around Lambeau Field."

Also, to prepare for the crush of media that will be descending upon Titletown this week and the possibility that a few Green Bay residents may be interviewed on camera, local TV and radio stations have been running special public service programs. In fact, most have been featuring dialect coaches and running instructional audio and videos for Cheeseheads on how they can lose their thick Wisconsin accents and sound instead like an ordinary New Yorker. ("The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain, douchebag.")

NFL Champions Clay Matthews (with hair) and Aaron Rodgers (with belt) smile after Green Bay's big Super Bowl win over Pittsburgh while hoisting the Vince Lombardi trophy as they celebrate under the falling flakes of Troy Poliamalu's dandruff.
Additionally, in an attempt to make all out-of-town big-time city-slickers feel at home while in the NFL's smallest market, the DePere Repertory Theatre Group has announced they will be performing mock hold-ups and shoot-outs between "cops and robbers" every hour on the hour this week at the Kwik Trip on North Mason. The public is encouraged to attend and even participate. In fact, if you're the 45th person to call 9-1-1 after the first shots are fired, you'll win a beautiful cheddar cheese party tray from those wacky jocks on the WIXX "Murphy in the Morning" radio show.

In related news, the Minnesota Vikings have been looking for clever ways of getting their finances back into the black after throwing away lots of cash this past season on an aging quarterback, a self-serving wide receiver and a half-term head coach. Spotted as one of the first items the franchise has put up for bids on eBay is the team's 50-year old Super Bowl trophy display case. Team owner Zygi Wilf says he expects to make a good profit on the glass and metal case which he described as "like new" and "never been used."

Friday, February 4, 2011

“TERRIBLE TOWELS” LIVE UP TO THEIR NAME

(February 4, 2011) --- Leave your towels at home.

That's the advice coming from the NFL which is looking into recent reports that thousands of tainted "Terrible Towels" may already be in the hands of Super Bowl bound Pittsburgh Steelers fans.

Sure, AJ Hawk would love to see Pittsburgh's famed towel during the Super Bowl this Sunday.  In fact, he hopes the Steelers throw it in early.
A "Terrible Towel" is a small yellow-colored parcel of cloth resembling an ordinary bathroom hand towel which has the words "Terrible Towel" printed in black on one side and has been used by Steelers fans over the past three-decades in an effort to excite each other and their team before and during games. Then, after games the towelettes are often used by despondent Pittsburgh fans to wipe away their tears.

Apparently a huge batch of "Terrible Towels," estimated to number in the thousands, were found to contain various amounts of toxic chemicals such as mortifates and humilitants with trace amounts of chagrinium. And although they appear to be innocent and even dainty looking, these pieces of yellow cloth could cause long-lasting psychological problems if not properly disposed of or immediately destroyed.

The fear is that unsuspecting Steelers fans will bring these tawdry towels into Cowboys Stadium this Sunday for Super Bowl XLV and unintentionally embarrass themselves and others who happen to sit nearby.

According to a spokesperson for the Consumer Product Safety Commission, the real problem occurs when Steelers fans begin twirling their brightly colored hankies over their heads.

"This is a bad idea," said Kenny Schmeltzer of the CPSC who spent months testing the towels. "Not only does it look extremely gay, but the toxins from the paint on the material could easily flake off and make contact with someone's skin, hair or beverage and may result in short-term memory loss, hives, stupidity or short-term memory loss."

Follwing months and months of tests, the Consumer Product Safety Commission has concluded that waving a "Terrible Towel" can result in a drastic loss of machismo in men.
The CPSC also warns Pennsylvania football fans that, like their Steelers, the “Terrible Towels” have a better than good opportunity to become a choking hazard this Sunday.

But with the big game just around the corner, the NFL is hoping against all odds that Steelers fans will get smart and trash their “Terrible Towels” before Super Sunday.

Speaking of dumps... the Minnesota media finally got an answer yesterday about the Minnesota Vikings future in the state from their elusive team owner Zygi Wilf. After being hounded repeatedly regarding what he would like done about the damaged Minneapolis Metrodome roof, a visibly irritated Wilf told the press to “put a lid on it!”

Thursday, February 3, 2011

THE SUPER BOWL: BY THE NUMBERS

(February 3, 2011) --- It will be a clash of epic proportions when the Green Bay Packers square off against the Pittsburgh Steelers for a shot at the Lombardi trophy this Sunday, February VI, MMXI at Cowboys Stadium in Arlington, Texas with a VI:XXV PM (ET) kick-off time.

The Packers, who won the Ist II Super Bowls during the MCMLXVI and MCMLXVII seasons, moved into the big game this year after beating the Chicago Bears last month by a score of XXI to XIV in the NFC Championship game. On the other hand, the Steelers will be making their VIIIth Super Sunday appearance with a XXIV to XIX win over the New York Jets just II weeks ago.

Green Bay's quarterback Aaron Rodgers is famous for his accuracy, mobility and composure while Pittsburgh's Ben Roethlisberger has a much better offensive assault record and is a QB that has a reputation for making unexpected passes.
This year's Super Bowl pits II of the most successful NFL teams against each other. The Packers have won a total of XII NFL Championships while the Steelers have taken home VI Super Bowls titles.

The Packers (XIII-VI), who are chasing their IVth Super Bowl title and Ist since the MCMXCVI season, are XXVIII-XVI for a .DCXXXVI winning percentage in the NFL playoffs.

The Steelers (XIV-IV), who are going after their VIIth Super Bowl title and IIIrd in VI seasons, are XXXIII-XIX for a .DCXXXV winning percentage during the postseason.

The last time these teams played each other, Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger and Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers combined for an amazing DCCCLXXXVI passing yards during a close XXXVII-XXXVI Pittsburgh victory on XII/XX/MMIX at Heinz Field

Despite that loss and a slightly better Steelers win-loss record this season, the Packers are favored by II.V points for Super Bowl 45.