Saturday, April 30, 2011


(April 30, 2011) --- Confronting growing doubts that could undermine his return to (a big chunk of) the New York Jets sidelines, head coach Rex Ryan finally responded to all “Girthers” who have been questioning his identity or, as some put it... identities.

The controversy began late last season when rival head coach Bill Belichick of the New England Patriots began wondering aloud if Ryan was really, really fat... or maybe instead he's actually more than just one person. Belichick says that if Ryan is indeed multiple people as he suspects, he’s therefore ineligible to fill the roll as the Jets’ lone head coach as having more than the league-allowed “one” head coach would be an unfair advantage over the other teams in the league.

New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan said the Girther issue had become a major distraction from the more important matters in his life today such as the NFL lock-out, the college draft and his weekend ventriloquist gig at Broadway Joe's Karaoke Pub & Grill in Hoboken.
Since then, the debate has taken on a life of its own and football fans, especially those in the New England area, have been demanding Ryan produce certifiable proof that he really is as portly as he says he is.

Acknowledging that this “sideshow” had gone on long enough, Ryan’s lawyers publicly produced the coach’s detailed long-form girth-certificate last week during a press conference outside of Louie’s “Big and Tall Men’s Fashion Barn” in East Rutherford, New Jersey.

Ryan’s surprising reaction came as the NFL saw that doubts about his size — and therefore the possible legitimacy to be a head coach — were growing, in more ways than one. But despite providing the league with his Official US Assport (which clearly depicts a total of just two "Ivory Flash White" cheeks in the "Saggy Couch-Pototo Giant Jello Bubble-Butt" category), most Girthers still remain skeptical.

Girthers assert Ryan is way too large and wins too many games to be just one head coach.

Conspiracies about Rex Ryan's actual girth, though widely debunked, have been growing.  A recent PackerPage-CBS News Poll found that more than 65% of adult AFC fans said they believed Ryan is actually more than one person, big enough to qualify as two people, or just weren't sure and would like to poke him with a really long stick first.

Now, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has joined the fray and said it has become necessary to take steps to try to further deflate the issue. Goodell has demanded that Ryan step-up to the scale and allow an independent league physician to check under his clothes to determine exactly how many humans are in there.

"We do not have time for this kind of silliness. And we're not going to be able to solve our problems if we get distracted by sideshows and shabbily dressed sweat-shirted candid-camera cheating sideline carnival barkers,” proclaimed Ryan. “Damn straight!” concurred a voice coming from underneath his shirt.

In other football news, the up-start Green Bay Chill of the Lingerie Football League has just started selling season tickets to fans in Wisconsin. Although interest in attending games has been high, few actual tickets have been sold as most everyone has been demanding to be seated in or near section DD.