Tuesday, February 8, 2011


(January 7, 2011) --- As the little town of Green Bay, Wisconsin savors it's 13th NFL Championship following their 31-25 win over the Pittsburgh Steelers in Super Bowl XLV, Titletown city fathers are already underway with preparations for a nationally televised welcome-home parade and celebration. But instead of a few touch-ups, it was more like a full-blown face-lift.
After #12 brought Green Bay #13, Super Bowl XLV MVP quarterback Aaron Rodgers appeared on the "Late Show with David Letterman."  Earlier on the same program, David's audience was treated to a segment of "Stupid Human Tricks" where a Bears fan ate his own poop.
"Because the NFL Network will be carrying our festivities live, we had to go into hyper-mode to make our town of around 100,000 look like all the other metropolitan cities in the league," said Mayor James Schmitt. "We had to take steps to dumb-down and dirty-up the looks of our city. Network officials told us that the rest of the world just ain't ready to believe there actually is a place as honest and idyllic and charming and naive as Green Bay."

Working in cooperation with several of the larger metros in the Upper Midwest, the city of Green Bay has been very busy with their task of "slumming it up." In their mission for authenticity, they have already bussed in dozens of homeless people from downtown Chicago, hookers from Hennepin Avenue in Minneapolis and truck-loads of "real" garbage from the streets of Detroit. Said Schmitt, "We've even gone the extra step and hired several top-notch drug dealers from Dallas."
Here's a nice picture of one of the many men the City of Green Bay hired from Chicago this week to help give Titletown that "big city" look.  This particular Chicago fan said he hasn't washed his lucky Bears t-shirt since his team won their one and only Super Bowl in 1985.  The citizens of Milwaukee are reminded of that fact whenever there's a strong southerly breeze.
Schmitt said, "We've also been very busy tacking-up temporary foreclosure signs on financially-sound homes along Lombardi Avenue, had the city dig hundreds of pot-holes on our perfectly good streets and roads, and we even constructed a few realistic-looking porn shop storefront facades in front of some of the banks, restaurants and daycare centers around Lambeau Field."

Also, to prepare for the crush of media that will be descending upon Titletown this week and the possibility that a few Green Bay residents may be interviewed on camera, local TV and radio stations have been running special public service programs. In fact, most have been featuring dialect coaches and running instructional audio and videos for Cheeseheads on how they can lose their thick Wisconsin accents and sound instead like an ordinary New Yorker. ("The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain, douchebag.")

NFL Champions Clay Matthews (with hair) and Aaron Rodgers (with belt) smile after Green Bay's big Super Bowl win over Pittsburgh while hoisting the Vince Lombardi trophy as they celebrate under the falling flakes of Troy Poliamalu's dandruff.
Additionally, in an attempt to make all out-of-town big-time city-slickers feel at home while in the NFL's smallest market, the DePere Repertory Theatre Group has announced they will be performing mock hold-ups and shoot-outs between "cops and robbers" every hour on the hour this week at the Kwik Trip on North Mason. The public is encouraged to attend and even participate. In fact, if you're the 45th person to call 9-1-1 after the first shots are fired, you'll win a beautiful cheddar cheese party tray from those wacky jocks on the WIXX "Murphy in the Morning" radio show.

In related news, the Minnesota Vikings have been looking for clever ways of getting their finances back into the black after throwing away lots of cash this past season on an aging quarterback, a self-serving wide receiver and a half-term head coach. Spotted as one of the first items the franchise has put up for bids on eBay is the team's 50-year old Super Bowl trophy display case. Team owner Zygi Wilf says he expects to make a good profit on the glass and metal case which he described as "like new" and "never been used."