Friday, January 21, 2011

IT'S A BEAR AFFAIR

(January 21, 2011) --- Roman Pyszmowski can’t wait to get to Soldier Field for this Sunday’s NFL Championship game between the Green Bay Packers and his Chicago Bears so he can watch his favorite player.

Pyszmowski, a 47-year-old resident of Chicago, claims to be the biggest Brian Urlacher fan in the Windy City and is the owner of the most comprehensive collection of Urlacher memorabilia in the entire state of Illinois. "I love my-man Brian! And I appreciate everything he’s done for da-Bearszzzz."

Roman likes to emulate his hero, and says he even wears the same brand of tights Urlacher dances around in when the linebacker is home alone in his living room.
Roman said he first became a fan in 2001 when Urlacher appeared at Pyszmowski's trial at the Cook County Courthouse to testify on behalf of Bear's teammate Kordell Stewart’s stalking case. "Brian's a famous football player, but he still found time in his busy schedule to show up in person to testify against me. You could say I was just a little bit more than star-struck and I've been a devoted Urlacher fanatic ever since!"

Aside from the thousands of personal photographs of Urlacher that line the walls of his home (Brian playing football, Brain signing autographs, Brian eating dinner, Brian driving his car, Brian trying on ladies undergarments, etc.), Pyszmowski is also proud of his "Urlacher Locker..." a giant trunk full of souvenirs, keepsakes and collectables having to do with his favorite Bears linebacker.

Roman's father still doesn't understand his son's Urlacher fetish.  "I liked George Halas, but you don't see me prancing around on game day in orange adult diapers and a fedora!  Oh.. wait."
In his trunk you’ll find hats, helmets, jerseys, t-shirts, programs, bobble-heads, boxer shorts, nose hairs, toe nail clippings, belly-button lint, a half-eaten salami sandwich, dental floss... all once belonging to Urlacher.

“My latest acquisition is the actual Gillette Mach 3 razor blade cartridge Brian used to shave his head prior to the game in which the NFL fined him $10,000 for that awesome helmet-to-helmet hit to Minnesota’s Visanthe Shiancoe last month. I can’t believe he just threw it away.”

What does Pyszmowski consider his most prized Urlacher possession?  "Hands down... the authentic game-used mini-football from that Super Bowl the Bears lost in 2007.  I found it on eBay!"
Roman also brags that he’s the king of Urlacher trivia and can rattle off endless info on the bald-headed Bear boy all day. “His birthday is May 25th... he has a barb-wire tattoo on his right arm... his AOL chat name is ‘clayaikenfan’...”

Pyszmowski said he always shows up at each and every Chicago game at Soldier Field wearing his extra-extra-large Bears jersey. But he added, "I’m always shirtless during the game so hopefully Brian can see the humungous Urlacher tattoo I got last year. But because it’s on my back, I always seem to miss a lot of the action on the field."

Little known fact: Urlacher's barb-wire tattoo doesn't completely circle his arm.  Apparently the tattoo artist had to be rushed to the ER when he started to ink him near his arm pit.
Although Pyszmowski seems to know everything about Brian Urlacher, Urlacher says he doesn’t know who the hell Pyszmowski is. "Pyszmowski? Never heard of the dude," said Urlacher. But when a reporter said the guy was a huge fan, Urlacher said, "Oh, well that’s different. Whatever. Have him e-mail the Bears and we’ll send him an 8x10 picture of me signed by my secretary. He’ll need to cover the postage, though."

In related news, TMZ reported that Jay Cutler became quite emotional after discovering he was recently dumped by “Tom,” his last remaining friend on MySpace.