Sunday, January 30, 2011

ANIMAL RIGHTS, WRONGS & POINT SPREADS FOR SUPER SUNDAY

(January 30, 2011) --- Remember Paul the Psychic Octopus who correctly called the winners of last summer's World Cup? Well, just months after Paul went eight-legs-up last October, the city of Chicago unveiled their own water-bound prognosticator... a slippery sea critter named Ty the Sea Lion.

Ty the Sea Lion would have picked the Orlando Magic to win the Daytona 500 if someone dangled a mackerel in front of him.  Here, Ty picks the Bears over the Pack last week.  Although Wisconsin residents stated they were vehemently against clubbing seals, some now say they would have made a rare exception.
In a lame attempt to promote Chicago’s Shedd Aquarium, Ty’s trainer staged a publicity stunt last week where he claimed his seal could predict the winner of the Bears-Packers NFC title clash at Chicago’s Soldier Field. Long story short... he couldn't. But then again, what do you expect from an animal that wears a Ditka moustache?

Sure, it sounds like it was all fun and games... but after hundreds of gullible Illinois football fans lost their cars, savings and double-wides by taking a seal's advice and betting everything they had on the Chicago Bears, something had to be done to protect the stupid.

To expose phony forecasters such as Ty, the Federal Gaming Commission (FGC) has taken serious steps to warn potential football gamblers to stay away from seals ("picks are always a bit too fishy") and octopi ("often can not pick just one winner").  Instead, the FGC has endorsed one of God’s more beautiful, intelligent and reliable creatures... and one with a huge rack, no less.

Introducing Wisconsin Dells resident, Bernie the Buck... the only deer sanctioned by the FGC and the only animal hornier than Ben Roethlisberger.

No other animal has come close to Bernie the Buck's success (6-0) at picking Super Bowl winners, although some consider Roman the Reindeer (1-0) a distant second.  Roman (above) went out with a bang minutes after he predicted the Chicago Bears would win Super Bowl XX and was quietly retired to one of the walls of former Packers tackle Brian Noble's rec-room.
Not only has Bernie the Buck correctly predicted the winner of each of the last six Super Bowl games, but he also does something no other prognosticating four-legged hoofed mammal has ever done. You see, Bernie is special because he not only knows who will win the big game but he uses his head to accurately calculate the final score too.

For instance, last year Bernie the Buck appeared out of the wild just a week before Super Bowl XLIV carrying a spectacular 48-point antler-rack with 31 of those points leaning toward the underdog New Orleans Saints. And he was... (um, sorry Bernie...) “right on target!”

Another well known non-human football forecaster was Sammy the Super Snail who, in 2006, was unleashed to pick the winner of Super Bowl XLI.  And he did it!  Sammy silenced his naysayers when he finally rested his shell on top of the Indianapolis Colts logo last week.
So, which NFL team does the big buck say we should put our doe on this year?

Yesterday, right on schedule, Bernie the Buck emerged from the woods outside the Dells sporting a 17-point rack with most of his antlers weighted to his left indicating the home team, Green Bay. When zoologists carefully examined Bernie, they came to the conclusion that this year’s Super Bowl will be a defensive barn-burner.  They counted 10 points on the Packers side of Bernie's rack and just 7 points on the Steelers side meaning Green Bay will win its fourth Super Bowl on February 6th.  And if you don't believe it, Bernie says, "Buck you!"

After Bernie the Buck predicted the Packers would win the Super Bowl by 3-points, he asked, "What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?  Bernie replied, "Beer nuts are $1.25, but deer nuts are always under a buck."
Incidentally, just before Bernie disappeared back into the Wisconsin wilderness, he paused for a moment and left a little gift behind for Steelers fans.