Friday, November 25, 2011

MONA'S "PACKER BACKER CRAFTY CORNER"

(November 25, 2011) --- For Green Bay fans, it's been one hell of a season so far! As of NFL week #12, the Packers are undefeated at 11-0, in the midst of a 17-game winning streak and on track to borrow a few more of those special numerals from Roman.

Roman McLivx of Poniatowski, Wisconsin has been the exclusive supplier of his special brand of numerals to the NFL for the Super Bowls since he invented them in 1967.  Here's a nice photo of Roman displaying the number "50" over the forehead of a Vikings fan.
Green Bay fans have always been very supportive of their team.  But with a sluggish economy in addition to $4 gas and $8 stadium beers, the PackerPage brings you another edition of Mona's "Packer Backer Crafty Corner" to assist you in helping stretch your dollar-bill to the max so you'll still have enough money left in your wallet or purse to wager a few big bucks on the next Green Bay game.


Mona's "Packer Backer Crafty Corner"

Hi!  PackerPage Fashion Editor Mona Morgan here!

With the economy on a slow recovery, many Packer fans have been having to make some tough decisions on how to balance their monthly budgets while at the same time continuing to support their NFL Champs, the Green Bay Packers.  I've been getting a lot of e-mails asking what should be considered day-to-day essentials.  Well, for instance, instead of paying my rent, I feel that my hard-earned money would be better invested on two lower-bowl seats for a game at Lambeau Field.  But that one's a no-brainer.

Today I'm going to help you with a few money-saving tips in the areas of food and fashion.

Looking for different ways to support your Green Bay Packers without spending a whole lot of cash? Well, if you’re too cheap to dish out all those bucks for overpriced NFL-approved Green Bay Packers mechandise, don’t you worry! I have a few special tips for all of you thrifty Green Bay Packer Backers out there!

PACKER BACKER VICTORY TRACKER

With just paper, a pen, a pair of scissors and some Scotch-tape, you can keep track of how many games Green Bay has won in-a-row! Simply write all the numbers between 17 and 25 on different pieces of small paper circles. Then, each time the Packers add-on another "W" to their consecutive win-loss record, slap a brand new number on your chest! By-the-way, you can similarly keep track of how many Super Bowls the Vikings have won by permanently tattooing the number “zero” to your ass.

CARTON CARB CAP

Want to buy a new Packers hat, but would rather use the money for beer instead? Well, now you can have both! You can back-your-Pack in an indirect way by constructing a nice hat made out of a 12-pack of Miller Lite beer. First step: drink all twelve cans of beer. Second step: flatten and then fashion the cardboard beer container into a stylish Miller Lite hat! Third step: put the hat on your head. Fourth step: buy more beer.

LAMBEAU LEFTOVERS

Next time you’re looking through your fridge for a snack, do some Packers accessory shopping at the same time! Since Wisconsinites are known for wearing cheddar on their head, how about a few sausage-links as Packer bling? Carefully string several Johnsonvilles and cheese wedges together into a tasty pro-Packer necklace! You’ll be styling at Lambeau while at the same time acquiring a bit more love from your hungry Packer pals. And, just like those Chia-Pets, in a few weeks your neckline cuisine will eventually turn a fuzzy green! The “Bears Can Bite My Wienie” bumper sticker is optional.

SHITTY SHIRT CONVERSION

With Chicago’s season about to sink quicker than a brick tied to a bowling ball, it soon shouldn’t be too difficult to find an old Bears t-shirt marked-down to next to nothing. (After you get over the embarrassment of being seen buying one), carefully delouse and then launder the garment repeatedly. Next, grab a can of spraypaint and artfully add a “circle-with-a-slash” through the Bears’ logo and you’re good to go-go!  Nothing says “I hate Chicago” more than a defaced Bears t-shirt you paid for with just a dime.

In next month's "Packer Backer Crafty Corner," Mona will present ten fun Christmas gag-gifts you can spring on your Chicago Bears neighbors... one of which involves a bathroom plunger, a roll of Saran Wrap and 17 cans of shaving cream!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

WISCONSIN VS. MICHIGAN: YOU BETTOR, YOU BET!

(October 14, 2011) --- With the Green Bay Packers and the Detroit Lions leading all other teams in the NFL, the University of Wisconsin and Michigan football squads both currently undefeated, and the Milwaukee Brewers and the Detroit Tigers swinging toward the World Series... the stakes have been raised between America’s Dairyland and the Motor City.

A long time ago, sports rivalries somehow turned into a political staple. You know the routine, days before a big game; mayors or governors feel compelled to make wagers distinctive of their cities or states.

Just a few very random images of QB's Rodgers, Stafford, Cutler and McNabb.  So, which NFC North quarterback would you put your money on to take you to the Super Bowl?
For instance, just last spring before the NBA Finals, Florida Governor Rick Scott wagered several bushels of hanging chads in support of the Miami Heat while Texas Governor Rick Perry backed his Dallas Mavericks by putting up a truckload of illegal immigrants.

In the Upper Midwest, it started as a typical political publicity stunt but evolved into an episode of the “Gambling Governors.”

It all began last week at a “We Are the 1%” black-tie fundraiser where Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker and Michigan Governor Rick Snyder were bragging about their state’s Major League Baseball team’s chances of making it to the World Series.

Florida Governor Rick Scott may not believe in Climate Change, but for some strange reason he does believe in "Bat Boy."
In a matter of minutes it turned into “put up or shut up” time.

Snyder, confident in his Tigers, bet some authentic GM auto parts; Walker backed the Brewers with a tasty cheese platter. But it didn’t stop there.

If the University of Wisconsin football team finishes with a better win-loss record than the Wolverines, Snyder has to address his annual televised “State of the State Statement” in nothing but Oshkosk B’Gosh overhauls and a cheesehat. And if Michigan bests the Badgers, Walker's gotta French kiss Michael Moore in the back seat of a Chevy Volt.

But the moment they started debating who had the better NFL team, the two Republican governors got down and even more dirty.

When Pete Rose's addiction counselor said he thought "the odds were good" that he'd beat his gambling problem, he saw it as a reason to immediately call his bookie.
With Green Bay and Detroit sitting pretty at 5-0 as the only two undefeated teams left in the league, it suddenly got real serious. The bet: Which franchise would make it to Super Bowl XLVI... the Lions or the Packers?

Walker immediately backed the Pack by wagering a case of Johnsonville bratwurst. Snyder countered by supporting his Lions with a crate of Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes.

Walker then upped the ante by throwing in the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile. Snyder matched that bet with the deed to the old Pontiac Silverdome.

Walker then went “all-in,” raising the stakes with the addition of the Apostle Islands, Bob Uecker and the BoDeans.

Snyder matched his nemesis by putting up Lake Michigan, Ted Nugent and a bunch of stuff they stole from Indiana.

An early look at Rand McNaly's updated Great Lakes States map to be released in February, 2012.
But just yesterday, Snyder noticed Walker was limping and asked him what was up. "Oh, it's just an old baseball injury."

"Really? I didn’t know you played the sport!"

"Oh no, I never played baseball! After the Brewers lost that playoff game to the Cardinals last night, I kicked in the TV."

In related news, Las Vegas oddsmakers now have the Edmonton Oilers leading the Minnesota Vikings as having a better chance at winning the Super Bowl this season.

Monday, September 5, 2011

PACKERS FANS: MUST SEE TV THIS WEDNESDAY!

(September 5, 2011) --- Which play in Super Bowl XLV was “the most incredible” according to Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers? What was the motivational tactic head coach Mike McCarthy used prior to the start of the 2010 season that proved to be successful? What does Aaron Rodgers really think about Brett Favre?  How exactly do you pronounce "XLV?"

Well, if you have the NFL Network, you'll want to set that video-recorder contraption of yours to capture forever the broadcast debut of "America's Game: 2010 Green Bay Packers" this Wednesday. If you don't have the NFL Network, please note that you have less than two-days to somehow find a way to tap into your neighbor's cable television box.

Fire-up that DVR thingy!  The NFL Films documentary "America's Game: 2010 Green Bay Packers" debuts this Wednesday, September 7th.  You'll also note on the NFL Network's schedule pictured above (click on the image to make a bit larger), there will also be another Packers Super Bowl XLV special earlier that same day!  Now that's what we call quality television programming!
The hour-long retrospective will feature a look back at the Packers road to the Super Bowl as remembered through the eyes of coach Mike McCarthy, quarterback Aaron Rodgers and cornerback Charles Woodson.  And ladies... there will no doubt be some of that sexy super slow-motion footage of Clay Matthews' hair in action too!  Ooh-lah-lah!

Sorry... we can't disclose exactly what you'll see in the NFL Films production of "America's Game: 2010 Green Bay Packers..." but, we can tell what you won't see!  You won't see a smiling Jay Cutler, Troy Polamalu shaking hands with President Obama, scenes from Super Bowl XX, or Brett Favres' penis.  Count on it.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

WEARING CHEESE SUDDENLY NOT CHEESY ANYMORE

(September 1, 2011) --- Singer Katy Perry may have picked up a “Best Music Video” trophy for her hit single “Firework” at the 2011 MTV Video Music Awards last Sunday... but performers, critics and especially fans were more impressed with her fashion-sense that night.

Perry made three wardrobe changes during the televised VMA’s ceremony, but the California Gurl really turned-it-out when she appeared on-stage in a head-to-toe Christian Dior number which was topped-off with a hat in the shape of a yellow cube-of-cheese.

Katy Perry accepted her Video Music Award last weekend while topped-off with a Wisconsin-styled cube-of-cheese.  A brief but similar fashion trend occured after last year's VMA's when Lady Gaga paid tribute to the origins of the Acme Packers with an appearance in a meat dress.  The dress was later placed on display in the frozen foods section of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame at around the same time the Wisconsin DNR presented Lady Gaga with an honorary lifetime hunting and fishing license.
“Sure, I could have gone with the traditional yellow wedged cheesehat you see at Green Bay Packers games,” said Perry, “but I wanted to take wearing milk-based food products to a whole new level.”

Not only did Perry cause a stir in Los Angeles last week, but she inadvertently started a fashion trend that spread faster than warm Le Chatelain Camembert on a toasted slice of garlic bruschetta.

Even Detroit automakers are getting in on the trend after they discovered you can double your gas mileage simply by adding an aerodynamically designed cheese-wedge to the top of your car.
A-List celebs are now trying to out-do each other with cheesewear. For instance...
  • Last Monday, TMZ spotted Beyoncé Knowles leaving a swank LA nightclub showing off her boobylicious cheese bustier.
  • Halle Berry was seen hailing a cab while sheltering herself from the rain under her one-of-a-kind mozzarumbrella.
  • On stage in Nashville this week, country singer Kenny Chesney entertained his fans while sporting a custom-made 10-gallon munster-sized cowboy hat.
  • And, as Paris Hilton was exiting her limo in a sundress made entirely of cheesecloth, Hollywood paparazzi learned she was also wearing a pair of matching Swiss-cheese styled panties. Holey oops!
Thanks to Katy, America’s cheese craze has also transcended fashion.

Sadly, a few have taken this cheese obsession a bit too far.  In his just released memoir "In My Time," former Vice President Dick Cheney recently admitted he has given up on his fascination with water-boarding Iranians and now favors deep-frying Kurds. So, so wrong.
For instance, actor Hugh Jackman legally changed his first name to Colby... Charlie Sheen dumped his catch-phrase of “Winning!” in favor of “It’s all Gouda!...” and film producer Francis Ford Coppola announced he will be bringing his version of Hamlet to the big screen under the title “To Brie or Not to Brie.”

In other news, tight end Jeremy Shockley saved a teammate from choking in training camp this summer.  Immediately after hearing of the incident, the Minnesota Vikings inquired about his trade availability.

In the immortal words of St. Vince... "Cheeses saves!"

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

GREEN BAY PACKERS STOCKHOLDERS WEATHER ANOTHER FINANCIAL STORM

(August 10, 2011) --- Investors around the world are still reeling from last Thursday’s plunge in the US equity markets which was the worst day for US stocks since December 2008.

Although crude oil, natural gas, Pittsburgh steel and other commodities fell sharply, Gold held its own.

More specifically, “Green and Gold.”

Over the past several years the S&P index (blue) has been very volatile, while the number of Green Bay fans who are Dow Jonesin' for stock in GBPI (green) has steadily gone up with each Packers title acquisition over the past six decades.  On the other hand, you'd have to be a total NASDIQ to invest in anything having to do with the Chicago Bears (orange).
According to Wall Street's Kelly Ekas, "More than 69 stocks fell for every one that rose on the New York Stock Exchange... but for those of you who currently hold shares in Green Bay Packers Inc. (GBPI), congratulations... you’ve weathered yet another financial storm."

GBPI shareholders say that the initial cost of their stock was worth every single invested cent... and all Packer Backers say they've been paid back exponentially thanks to years of blue chip players and numerous title takeovers.

CNBC's Jim "Mad Money" Cramer recently stated, "Packers stock is even good in a Bear market... and that ain't no bull!!"
The Green Bay Packers (NFL’s only publicly owned team) have sold shares four-times in their 91-year history; the first of which was in 1923 when savvy Wisconsin football fans bought shares with either $5 or 20-pounds of Colby Jack. Financial historians note the investment became so solid that despite the horrors of the Crash of 1929 and the Great Depression that followed, the value of GBPI stock never depreciated making it the first time in American history that there were several hundred Packers fans who could proudly and prestigiously call themselves NFL team owners... despite the fact they were homeless, hungry and unemployed.

GBPI stock still holds up today. In fact, longtime Packers shareholder Dick Worzalla claims his stock only appreciates.  “It’s true,” he claims. “Every time my Packers win another NFL Championship, I appreciate it even more! Best damn investment I ever made!”

The Minnesota Vikings: The NFL's equivalent of Enron.
In related news, the financial credit rating agency Standard & Poor's dropped the Minnesota Vikings’ NFL ranking from C+ to a D- explaining that it grew very pessimistic about the team’s recent struggles over raising the Met ceiling.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

PACKERS' "FAMILY NIGHT" TO BE BROADCAST LIVE (WITH A 26-HOUR TAPE DELAY)

(August 6, 2011) --- Are you ready for some football?!

That's right, it's just five-days until the Green Bay Packers, Chicago Bears and several other NFL teams play their first preseason games of the year!  The Packers will be trying to recreate those special circumstances that lead them to the Super Bowl while the Bears will be using the preseason to acclimate themselves to a season full of frustration and extreme disappointment.

Remember to print out the above image taken from this week's TV Guide so you won't forget to watch the Green Bay Packers "Family Night" team scrimmage at Lambeau Field. Just be sure to post it on the refrigerator... because it'll burn on the stove.
Before all that, the Green Bay Packers participate in a very special annual event called "Family Night," a chance for fans to observe team practice, check-out on-field football drills, watch an intra-squad scimmage, win great prizes and get hair-care tips from Clay Matthews. The event will be held at Lambeau Field later tonight.  (Incidentally, Vegas oddmakers give the Packers a 2:1 edge in winning their scrimmage.)

But for those of us who won't be able to make it to Green Bay this evening, the Packers' "Family Night" event will be rebroadcast on the NFL Network tomorrow evening (Sunday, August 7th) at 8pm (ET).  So, be sure to set your TeVo's!  And for those of you without TeVo's, get Tebow instead.  The word is that Tim won't be doing all that much this season which means he'll have plenty of time to push the "record" button on your VCR.

Monday, July 25, 2011

NFL PLAYERS TOLD TO STOP PLAYING GOLF AND GET BACK TO WORK

(July 25, 2011) --- After several months of tense negotiations, the  Lockout has ended with a deal happy NFL owners and players say will screw over only the fans.  The new 10-year labor accord will become official once the 1,900 players vote to ratify the deal and Jay Cutler enters it in his diary. Now that the player representatives from all 32 teams have signed off on the agreement, the vote is considered all but a formality despite the ardent objections of John Boehner.

After the NFL Lockout ended, the press was unsure if Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones was happy or sad with the CBA results as his face hasn't moved since 1999.
In brief, here are a few of the deal highlights NFL owners and players have agreed upon...

--The fixed term of the agreement, which has no opt-out clause, covers the 2011 through 2020 seasons and includes the 2021 draft.

--All drafted players sign four-year contracts; undrafted free agents sign three-year contracts.

--Over the next 10 years, additional funding for retiree benefits will be between $900-million and $1-billion... but you still have to pay $8 for a stadium beer.

--Following a catastrophic injury, a player will recieve up to $1-million and will be presented with an official NFL keepsake jar in which to display what used to be his teeth and nuts.

--Despite popular opinion and much debate, the league does recognize the Minnesota Vikings as an official NFL team and the MetroDome as an official NFL venue.

--Brett Favre can only return to the NFL if he buys a ticket.  He must also wear pants and leave his cell-phone at home.

Today, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell gave the Green Bay Packers the green-light to resume collecting Roman numerals.
Incidentally, Jerry Jones did not take part in the NFL negotiations.  Every time the Dallas Cowboys owner tried to sit at the negotiating table, he was told that his seat wasn't ready and was moved to another room in the building where he could watch the negotiations on a big screen TV.  But because of the inconvienience, Jones was also offered complimentary tickets to the next negotiating session in 2020.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

REX RYAN: "TUBBY, OR NOT TUBBY? THAT IS THE QUESTION"

(April 30, 2011) --- Confronting growing doubts that could undermine his return to (a big chunk of) the New York Jets sidelines, head coach Rex Ryan finally responded to all “Girthers” who have been questioning his identity or, as some put it... identities.

The controversy began late last season when rival head coach Bill Belichick of the New England Patriots began wondering aloud if Ryan was really, really fat... or maybe instead he's actually more than just one person. Belichick says that if Ryan is indeed multiple people as he suspects, he’s therefore ineligible to fill the roll as the Jets’ lone head coach as having more than the league-allowed “one” head coach would be an unfair advantage over the other teams in the league.

New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan said the Girther issue had become a major distraction from the more important matters in his life today such as the NFL lock-out, the college draft and his weekend ventriloquist gig at Broadway Joe's Karaoke Pub & Grill in Hoboken.
Since then, the debate has taken on a life of its own and football fans, especially those in the New England area, have been demanding Ryan produce certifiable proof that he really is as portly as he says he is.

Acknowledging that this “sideshow” had gone on long enough, Ryan’s lawyers publicly produced the coach’s detailed long-form girth-certificate last week during a press conference outside of Louie’s “Big and Tall Men’s Fashion Barn” in East Rutherford, New Jersey.

Ryan’s surprising reaction came as the NFL saw that doubts about his size — and therefore the possible legitimacy to be a head coach — were growing, in more ways than one. But despite providing the league with his Official US Assport (which clearly depicts a total of just two "Ivory Flash White" cheeks in the "Saggy Couch-Pototo Giant Jello Bubble-Butt" category), most Girthers still remain skeptical.

Girthers assert Ryan is way too large and wins too many games to be just one head coach.

Conspiracies about Rex Ryan's actual girth, though widely debunked, have been growing.  A recent PackerPage-CBS News Poll found that more than 65% of adult AFC fans said they believed Ryan is actually more than one person, big enough to qualify as two people, or just weren't sure and would like to poke him with a really long stick first.

Now, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has joined the fray and said it has become necessary to take steps to try to further deflate the issue. Goodell has demanded that Ryan step-up to the scale and allow an independent league physician to check under his clothes to determine exactly how many humans are in there.

"We do not have time for this kind of silliness. And we're not going to be able to solve our problems if we get distracted by sideshows and shabbily dressed sweat-shirted candid-camera cheating sideline carnival barkers,” proclaimed Ryan. “Damn straight!” concurred a voice coming from underneath his shirt.

In other football news, the up-start Green Bay Chill of the Lingerie Football League has just started selling season tickets to fans in Wisconsin. Although interest in attending games has been high, few actual tickets have been sold as most everyone has been demanding to be seated in or near section DD.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FAUXBALL?

(April 19, 2011) --- The NFL released their schedule today so football fans from New England to San Diego and Seattle to Miami will have the opportunity to see where and when their favorite team won’t be playing this year.


While the Green Bay Packers are still in the process of finalizing some of their game-day promotions for Lambeau Field this year, the Chicago Bears have already announced that they will kick-off the season at home with "Guarenteed Loss Sunday" followed by the Soldier Field fan-favorite "Complimentary Projectile Night."   

With the NFL lockout going into its sixth week, the league thought it would be a good time to take the focus off of the owner’s battle for everyone’s money and instead put it on a sop schedule... even if the hypnotizing influence on football-starved fans will last but only a few days. Psychologists say the effect is similar to the “What If” syndrome lottery ticket-holders experience when they first stare at that little piece of paper they just bought from the 7-11 hoping for the big-bucks while knowing deep-down they’ll still have to show up for work the next week.

But despite the league’s current labor dispute, it is a noteworthy schedule, especially for Green Bay Packers fans.

Not only will the Packers be playing in the league’s first game of the season (Thursday, September 8, 2011 versus the New Orleans Saints)... but they will also be playing in the league’s last game of the season (Sunday, February 5th, 2012 in Super Bowl XLVI).

And according to league historians, this will be the very first time one NFL team will play on all seven major U.S. holidays. This season Green Bay is scheduled for Thanksgiving Day (at Detroit), Christmas Day (Chicago), New Year’s Day (Detroit), End of Daylight Saving Time (at San Diego), Give A Homeless Person a Hug Day (Minnesota), National One-Hit-Wonder Day (at Chicago), and Ear Appreciation Day (Tampa).

Here's a nice picture taken precisley at the Crack of Dawn.  Question: If there isn't a 2011 NFL season, will you put all your support with the girls of your new Green Bay Chill of the Lingerie Football League?  (Incidentally, Dawn didn't get the first down as she was a little behind.)

Although the Minnesota Viking are scheduled to play with the Redskins, Raiders, Panthers, Cardinals, Broncos and Chiefs in 2011... Brett Favre has hinted that this will finally be the year he officially plays with himself.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

GIMME SOME OF THAT OLD PACK MAGIC

(April 14, 2011) --- The Green Bay Packers are in panic mode. And so are some of their fans.

After three rounds of voting and the elimination of 28 players so far, Aaron Rodgers is one of four NFL athletes still alive in the "Madden NFL 12" tournament to determine who will grace the cover of the next edition of the popular video game.

As of today, the four players remaining in the Madden NFL 2012 cover-art play-offs are Aaron Rodgers and the more deserving candidates Peyton Hillis, Michael Vick and Adrian Peterson. Incidentally, the only time Green Bay suffered anything close to an evil spell was when head coach Dan Devine's vengeful dog came back from the beyond to haunt the Packers into rolling over and playing dead during the decade of the 80's.
If Rodgers wins in the semi-finals this week against Peyton Hillis, Aaron will most likely be pitted against running back Adrian Peterson for the final battle to become Madden’s cover boy. But is this a victory Packers fans want?

“We’re willing to concede this contest to Adrian Peterson and the Minnesota Vikings. They are more deserving of this honor than we are,” said Packers General Manager Ted Thompson. “Besides, their 2011 season is gonna be mucked-up anyway... even without a ‘Madden Curse’.”

Rodgers, on the other hand, says he’s not scared of “the Curse.” But that’s exactly what Michael Vick said before body parts started falling off of the dude.

Green Bay fans don’t want to take the chance. That’s probably why Packer Backers say they plan to vote against Rodgers and say they are willing to let Vikings fans enjoy a rare championship for once in their lives by putting their support behind Adrian Peterson. As one generous Packers fan who voted for Peterson put it; “It feels good to take the time and do something nice for that underprivileged and now homeless team in our division.”


The History of the 'Madden Curse'

Although it was at first intended to be an honor, appearing on Madden’s video game box-art has turned into more of a horror. Much like the Sports Illustrated cover jinx, players who appear on Madden NFL have eerily experienced a decline in performance, injuries or just plain bad luck. Here’s a look at the athletes who have appeared on the boxes and what happened to them since getting whammied by John.

Madden NFL 2001
After victim #1, Eddie George, appeared on the cover, the Tennessee Titans running back broke a toe when he accidentally dropped his Heisman Trophy on his right foot while he was taking a shower.

Madden NFL 2002
After appearing on the Madden cover, quarterback Daunte Culpepper blew-out both of his knees when he slipped on one of Fred Smoot’s discarded condoms during the team’s infamous Sex Boat Cruise.

Madden NFL 2003
Running back Marshall Faulk suffered a big financial set-back after his Madden debut when his agent accidentally omitted the word “million” when writing up his contract for the St. Louis Rams which resulted in Faulk earning a total of only $43.95 over seven-years.

Madden NFL 2004
Of all the athletes to appear on Madden’s cover, no one’s career went to the dogs quicker than Michael Vick, and he's still suffering from the curse today. Aside from keeping him on a very short leash, it turns out the Atlanta Falcons have been paying their quarterback in kibble.

Madden NFL 2005
It took just months after appearing on the video game cover for Ray Lewis’s life to go from bad to worse. Still today, every time an NFL game goes into “sudden death,” law enforcement authorities immediately consider the Baltimore linebacker as their prime suspect.

Madden NFL 2006
Ever since his appearance on Madden, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb has been in intense daily therapy battling depression. He’s still trying to get over the fact that he was once replaced in a regular season game by A.J. Feeley.

Madden NFL 2007
The morning after his face appeared on the cover of the NFL video game, Seattle Seahawks running back Shaun Alexander’s eyes bugged-out, his tongue began wagging uncontrollably while his head started spinning like a top. He may have been suffering the effects of the “Madden Curse” but it did help him get the leading role in the new film “Exorcist IV: The NF Hell.”

Madden NFL 2008
After a stellar 2007 season, Tennessee QB Vince Young’s career seemed to disappear... literally. In September of 2008, just before taking a snap during the 3rd quarter of a game against the Jaguars, there was a giant puff of smoke as Young spontaneously combusted, vanishing into thin air. All that was left behind was a mysterious powder blue-colored globule on the football. Incidentally, the Titans other hex was successfully removed last January when the team finally expelled Randy Moss.

Madden NFL 2009
Brett Favre appeared on the Madden cover under the impression he was retiring from football, but then decided to unretired into the New York Jets line-up and Jenn Sterger’s cell-phone. Although he immediately went on to lead the league in throwing interceptions, the bigger shame came when football fans got a look at his other shortcomings.

Madden NFL 2010
The season after Troy Polamalu and his giant head-of-hair graced the Madden cover, the Pittsburgh Steelers safety suffered a major set-back in his personal life when he was diagnosed with a wicked case of split-ends.

Madden NFL 2011
In the months since Drew Brees landed on front of Madden’s video game box last year, the cute little mole he’s always had on the right side of his cheek has become a bit more prominent since the curse took effect. In fact, it’s growing so fast now that the New Orleans Saints equipment manager expects to fit the mole with its own helmet by the start of the 2011 NFL season.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

NFL’S NEXT MATCH-UP: BILLIONAIRES VS. MILLIONAIRES

(April 7, 2011) --- NFL owners and players are about to head to court for a battle to decide who is greedier. With the lockout now at three weeks and no end in sight, attorneys for the NFL and its locked-out players will go before Judge Judy today (check local listings) -- and until it’s resolved several very important issues will remain up-in-the-air... like the future of the $9 billion business, the 2011 season, and which team gets stuck with Randy Moss.

Here's a nice picture of a few NFL Owners gathering for one of their weekly team meetings to decide on several very important issues, like whether or not to invest any more of their money in another round of Miller Lite.  "Here's mud in your 'ayes'!"
The players are asking for an immediate end to the lockout on the basis of "irreparable harm" to their careers and owners say that if their stadiums are empty this year they may have to endure a major loss of income. Apparently, it’s already becoming rather dire. To prepare for possible unemployment, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady has already begun rationing his bimbos. And Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones claims that if there isn’t a 2011 season he may be forced to share a limo with his wife.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

TWIN FREAKS

(March 31, 2011) --- The Super Bowl is back in the spotlight, again.

This time critics are claiming that football fans were deceived by Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger and his... body-double.

Sure, it was Ben on the field taking the snaps for the Steelers during their loss to the Green Bay Packers in Super Bowl XLV, but it turns out the guy in front of the cameras during all of those pre and post-game interviews was a Roethlisberger impersonator.

Separated at birth?  Apparently the "Roethlisberger Swap" turned out to be the biggest hoax in NFL history since American football fans were sold on the idea that the Dallas Cowboys were "America's Team."
The story only came to light after an out-of-work actor – identified as Harold Aypmann – submitted his resume and head-shot to Marc E. Platt, a movie producer who is working on an upcoming feature film based on the popular video game “Donkey Kong.” Platt found it extremely curious that the most recent experience on Aypmann’s list of acting gigs was playing the role of Roethlisberger in last February’s Super Bowl.

After the press got a hold of the story, Aypmann finally admitted that the Steelers hired the actor to step-in for the Pittsburgh QB during all press conferences. As Ben’s look-a-like tells it, the authentic Roethlisberger wasn’t all that charming in front of the camera, plus he got tired of answering questions about his sleazebag past.

If you examine this Super Bowl XLV photograph very, very carefully, you'll discover that this is not the real Roethlisberger, as everyone knows Ben doesn't own a classy sports jacket.  In hindsight, another dead-giveaway was when "Ben" told a sports reporter, "Everyone knows that 15-minutes could save you 15-points or more on defense."
To avoid being fined by the NFL for ducking interviews, the Pittsburgh Steelers hired a stand-in. And with the assistance of one of Hollywood’s most talented special-effects make-up artists, the bogus Ben became the spitting-image of the real Roethlisberger... right down to the sunken eyes, dopey stare, chubby cheeks and unique unibrow.

Although the Steelers organization steadfastly denies using a Roethlisberger body-double during Super Bowl week, they did admit to the PackerPage that running back Rashard Mendenhall is actually a semi-autonomous electro-mechanical humanoid robot.

One mystery that has yet to be debunked is the almost century-old legend that Soldier Field was engineered by evil space aliens and then constructed by a clan of enslaved Bigfoots who built the stadium on an sacred ancient Indian burial ground which is currently haunted by flesh-eating football-hating ghouls.
"The Steelers wanted to create this idea in people's minds that Ben was some kind of humble, caring gentleman,” said Aypmann. “And since we all know the real Roethlisberger could never pull-off something like that, they chose me to charm America!”

The Academy of Television and Arts is investigating the situation and says that if the body-double story is true, there may be an Emmy nomination for Aypmann. A T&A spokesperson remarked, “It’s kinda like when a fake Paul McCartney secretly replaced the real Paul McCartney after he died in a 1967 car accident. It’s the exact same situation... except for the fact that Ben can’t sing, didn’t die, and likes the Rolling Stones better.”

In related news, the governor of Minnesota declared April 1st “Minnesota Vikings Day” to commemorate the team’s 50th anniversary of impersonating a professional football team.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

AARON RODGERS: FAIR CATCH!

(March 21, 2011) --- Just weeks after helping elevate his team to Super Bowl XLV champions, it seems as though Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers has given new meaning to the term "Most Valuable Player."

Over the past several weeks, TMZ reported spotting Rodgers spending some of his personal time with a few beautiful, high-profile babes... most recently Hillary Scott (Lady Antebellum), Erin Andrews (ESPN), Julie Henderson (the Grapefruit Heiress), Mila Kunis ("Black Swan") and Jessica Szohr ("Gossip Girl").

Sure, Super Bowl MVP Aaron Rodgers has been doing just fine with the ladies, but apparently the only "leap" Aaron plans to take at this stage of his life will be limited to Lambeau Field.
Soon after those rumors began to circulate through the Badger State, Packer Backers suddenly became concerned that their star QB was turning into a Tom Brady or, worse, a Tony Romo.

Well, Wisconsin football fans can breathe a sigh of relief; Aaron has not become a man-whore.

Turns out the "dates" were all set up by the producers of a new NFL Network reality program based on the popular ABC series "The Bachelor” which will feature some of the league’s most eligible field generals.

Jessica Szohr, Erin Andrews, Maria Kanellis, Julie Henderson, Hillary Scott and Mila Kunis are six of the finalists on the new NFL Newtork reality series "The QuarterBachelor."  But who will Aaron Rodgers pick to be his Lambeau Lady?  Currently, Vegas oddsmakers have Kunis as the best-bet at 2:1 simply because she once attended high school in Point Place, Wisconsin.
In the first season of "The QuarterBachelor" -- which is about to wrap up production -- Rodgers is paired-up with celebrity models and actresses, all with the ultimate goal of “sacking the quarterback.”

Cameras will cover the usual dates, dinners and behind-the-scenes cat-fights, but producers have added their own special twist to the reality program. For instance, instead of handing out the traditional roses, the QuarterBachelor passes out footballs. And if they "go long” and eventually “score," the woman improves her chances of advancing into the next round.

NFL Network executives have been keeping a tight-lid on the results of the production, but insiders close to the PackerPage have leaked a few details. For instance, Erin Andrews failed to make the cut because Rodgers didn’t think she looked all that sexy wearing a cheesehat. And apparently Chicago-born Maria Kanellis (singer, model, professional wrestler) was eliminated after she was challenged to serenade Aaron with, what turned out to be, a less-than-enthusiastic vocal performance of “The Bears Still Suck Polka.”

In the upcoming second season of "The QuarterBachelor," Chicago Bears signal-caller Jay Cutler confesses to one of his dates that, as a rookie, he discovered the Wonderlic Test isn't as sexy as it sounds.
The debut episode of “The QuarterBachelor” will air on the NFL Network this Sunday night, immediately following the documentary “The Dallas Cowboys: America’s Bling.” In this team biography, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones brags about the special connection he has with the average Dallas football fan during an interview conducted while he bathes in his gold-plated Jacuzzi filled with $100 bills.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

ROETHLISBERGER: MEA CULPATHETIC

(February 26, 2011) --- Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger held an impromptu press conference to remind everyone again how he disappointed his team-mates and his city after a 31-25 defeat in Super Bowl XLV at the hands of the Green Bay Packers. "I feel like I let the city of Pittsburgh down, the fans, my coaches and teammates," said Roethlisberger. "It's not a good feeling."

The Steelers' QB coughed up a couple of key interceptions, including one that was returned for a touchdown by Packers safety Nick Collins. "That was all me," said Roethlisberger. "I don't put the blame on anybody but myself."

Roethlisberger: "There is no excuse for me."
After forcing a punt, Pittsburgh drove to midfield, but turned the ball over again when Roethlisberger's pass was intercepted by defensive back Jarrett Bush which lead to another Packers touchdown, giving Green Bay a 21-3 lead in the second quarter. "There are a lot of throws I'd like to have back, and that was one of them," the Steelers leader said as he wiped away a tear. "Totally my fault."

The Steelers finally were able to put points on the board in the 2nd quarter with a Shaun Suisham field goal. "Again, my error. Should have been six instead of just three. I was the guy who came up short on that drive. While we were kicking that field goal, I was on the sidelines kicking myself. Again, I screwed-up big-time."

The NFL is still working out some sort of compensation for the Super Bowl XLV ticket holders who were turned away from Cowboys Stadium after the Arlington Fire Department determined hundreds of upper-level seats and Jerry Jones's latest facelift to be "poorly constructed."
By the time the Black Eyed Peas took to the field for their Super Bowl halftime show, the Steelers were within 11-points of the Pack. "I know how disappointed most everyone was with Fergie's rendition of 'Sweet Child 'O' Mine'," said Big Ben as he hung his head. "I just want to take this opportunity to apologize from the bottom of my heart.... especially to Guns and Roses fans.” Ben also pleaded with everyone to go easy on Christina Aguilera. He confessed, "Instead of just standing there staring at her ass while she was botching up the National Anthem, I should have sang louder to help her along with the lyrics. I didn't, and I let Christina and a lot of patriotic Americans down."

The Steelers did manage to cut their deficit to three-points late in the 4th quarter, but the Packers defense held on for the win. "You know, there's nothing worse than to give your fans false-hopes, and that's exactly what I did. I'm a mean and horrible man. Let me be the first to point both of my fingers directly at myself."

Instead of a seventh Steelers Super Bowl trophy, the Packers got to take home a 13th NFL Championship. "I am truly very sorry for the grief I have caused the people of Pittsburgh. There is only one loser in this Super Bowl... and that loser is me. GOD, I suck."

The PackerPage has confirmed that Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has a girlfriend and is engaged to be married.  Does this now mean Michael Vick has permission to get that pet dog he always wanted?
Roethlisberger closed his press conference with a personal invitation to all Steelers fans to line-up and kick him in the ass for free. Said Ben, in a standing but prone position, "Do me a favor, just kick my ass, okay? Kick this ass for a man, that's all, kick my ass... enjoy! C'mon... I'm not asking, I'm telling with this... kick my ass!"

In related news, Tyndale House Publishing plans to release a new coffee-table book on the complete NFL career of re-re-re-retired quarterback Brett Favre. The hundreds of photographs in the book start with his very last season with the Minnesota Vikings and trace back, in reverse chronological order, to his days in the league when he used to wear pants.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

REVOLUTION SPREADS FROM MIDWEST TO MIDDLE EAST

(February 16, 2011) --- Shouts of "Victory!" and "Thirteen!" were heard as fireworks lit up the sky while hundreds of thousands of Egyptians danced, wept and prayed in joyful anarchy during a number of historic rallies which have taken place over the past two-weeks. Slogan-screaming demonstrators, some waving the sports section of the Egyptian newspaper Al-Ahram, chanted their approval of the new rulers of American football.

During last week's Super Bowl broadcast -- which reached a record 111-million viewers worldwide -- freedom loving Packer Backers in Egypt displayed solidarity with their democratic brothers in Green Bay with such spirited chants as, "Death to the infidel Steelers!" and "Crimany-Cairo, go Pack go!"
Just days after the recent regime change in the NFL, Egyptians were inspired to rise up and stage their own coup. It was the continued presence of pro-Packer protesters which helped to drive Egypt's longtime leader, and staunch Steelers supporter, Hosni Mubarak from power. Soon, stories of Green Bay's inspirational triumph over the Pittsburgh monarchy in Super Bowl XLV began to filter into the neighboring African and Gulf countries of Tunisia, Bahrain, Jordan, Libya, Yemen and even Iran where the people began to come together in support of the NFL's only democratic team.

It has been well documented that the publicly-owned Green Bay Packers football franchise -- the world's only professional sports democracy -- was instrumental in the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991 and the fall of the Steel Curtain earlier this month.  Here's a nice vintage photograph of President John F. Kennedy in West Berlin in 1963 when he uttered those immortal words, "Ich bin ein Grün Bayliner!"
Despite the government's latest attempts to stifle incoming news by shutting down the internet in Iran, word of the Green Bay Packers' 13th NFL Championship began to spread across the country like wildfire. Within days, thousands gathered throughout the city of Tehran... some paying tribute to their hero by emulating Aaron Rodgers' championship-belt gesture, others offered support by burning effigies of Ben Roethlisberger.

In Algeria, citizens took to the streets demanding their own leader, President Abdelaziz Bouteflika, leave office as well. News reports say crowds were in the thousands and all chanted, "Bouteflika out!" and "The Bears still suck!" Bouteflika, as most Algerians know, has had strong ties to the Chicago Bears.

Here's your PackerPage geography lesson for the day: Pakistan (left), Packer Stan (right).  Know the difference!
Hundreds in Jordan celebrated the Packers' Super Bowl conquest, some by wearing homemade goat cheese hats on top of their heads while others held up giant posters of Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers while exclaiming "M.V.P! M.V.P!"

And a group calling itself "The Revolution of the 6th of February" used Facebook to organize protests in Bahrain when King Shaikh Hamad bin Isa Al Khalifa suddenly confiscated all of the country's bratwurst for their own private tailgate just days before the opening kick-off of Super Bowl XLV. Infuriated citizens were further outraged when the royal family cut off beer sales to the country at the end of the 3rd quarter.

As the great statesman Gabe Lincoln once declared: "...that this Packer nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom... and that government of the Cheeseheads, by the Cheeseheads, for the Cheeseheads, shall not perish from the earth, aina-hey."
In the U.S., President Barack Obama has been closely monitoring both the NFL and Egyptian situations from the White House and reported yesterday that his Chicago team told him they will once again regain their power and stature in the league. But like Mubarak, da-Bears are both Hosnied and in da-Nile.