Thursday, December 30, 2010

DON'T ILLINOIS ME!

(December 30, 2010) --- After decades of research, St. Luke’s Medical Center in Milwaukee has announced they have pinpointed a specialized form of Tourette’s syndrome which only appears to affect a good percentage of those who live in, or have ties to, Wisconsin.

Outbreaks of Bearette’s Syndrome (BS) have received significant media attention over the last several years. It’s a disorder that can occur as a single, isolated case and still easily appear suddenly as an outbreak in a group setting. When outbreaks do occur, they most usually emerge in late summer through autumn and into the early part of winter, although BS cases may occur at any time of the year.


Studies have shown that bright orange colored shirts with a bear or the word "Chicago" printed on it have been known to trigger Bearette's among Cheeseheads.  It has been confirmed that spontanious outbursts (above) can also happen outside the realm of football such as when FIB's trespass north to Wisconsin each spring.

Research director Dr. Marcus R. Hoskin said it’s an ailment which makes perfectly normal people blurt-out the words "Suck!" or "Still Suck!" immediately after hearing the phrase "the Bears." Another advanced form of Bearette’s Syndrome can be triggered by uttering three similar words and is a good test to verify if someone is indeed influenced by BS.

Dr. Hoskin tells the PackerPage, "To check for BS, I recommend shouting out the words 'After Further Revue!' and if someone immediately and without hesitation responds with 'The Bears Still Suck!' they most certainly have Bearette’s Syndrome."


Another credible evaluation to discover if you have Bearette's Syndrome is to stare at this test pattern for several seconds and then write down the first thing that pops into your mind.  If it's "This is really stupid," you don't have Bearette's but instead something entirely different and should move the hell out of Illinois as fast as you damn well can before the rest of your brain turns to mush.

Although there are literally millions estimated to have Bearette’s Syndrome, the exact cause of the vocal-tic is still unknown... but just recently it has been well established that both genetic and environmental factors are involved. Recent studies have shown that the overwhelming majority of BS cases are inherit in men and women who dress occasionally in green and/or gold clothing, drink cheap beer, and consume or wear cheese.

In fact, just this past weekend during the last few minutes of the Packers' 45-17 dismantling of the New York Giants at Lambeau Field, 70-thousand fans mysteriously and spontaneously erupted into a thunderous, repetitive chant of "The Bears Still Suck!" What made this occurrence bizarre and especially curious was that there wasn't a single Flatlander in sight and --- because they do have a reputation that's mostly based on luck --- the Chicago Bears finished with an un-sucking winning record slightly ahead of the Packers in the NFC North.

Unconfirmed reports of similar incidents have been rumored to have occurred as far back as the early 1920's when the Green Bay Press-Gazette noted in one of their sports stories that several Packer supporters supposedly bellowed "The Staleys really stink!" at halftime of a game at Hagemeister Park. During the 70’s and 80’s, BS was once considered a rare and unusual malady but over the past couple of decades Bearette's has been accepted and even embraced in Wisconsin. Through his years of research, Dr. Hoskin says he has yet to find anyone with the disorder who has ever sought a cure.

Here's a nice photo of Dr. Marcus Hoskin who is leading the research effort on Bearette's Syndrome.  He explains, "Bearette's is a spectrum disorder in which, BEARS SUCK... severity ranges over a spectrum, CHICAGO BLOWS... from mild to severe.  The majority of cases are low-key and require, BEATEN BEARS MAKE GOOD RUGS... no treatment."

Additional research has revealed that Bearette tics are not so much "involuntary" as they are "compelling." People with BS feel an irresistible urge to perform their tics when hearing of, or encountering someone from Illinois... much like a Packer fan's unexplained urge to kick a Vikings player in the nuts. Some people with BS are able to hold back their tics for up to an hour at a time, but this only leads to a stronger outburst of anti-Bears sentiments once they are finally allowed to be expressed. But Dr. Hoskin says the healthy and American thing to do is to not stifle yourself. He reasoned, "Once Packers fans give up their freedom of blurtatious speech, the Bearorists have won."

In related news, scientists have recently discovered that watching the Miami Dolphins' offense is one of the nation’s leading causes of contagious yawning.

Monday, December 27, 2010

BLIZZARD, SCHMIZZARD

(December 27, 2010) --- Because someone mistakenly thought it was a baseball game, the NFL moved the Vikings-Eagles Sunday Night Football contest to this Tuesday evening because it started to snow in Philadelphia.

Like the Philadelphia Eagles, Cleveland Browns fans are also big into recycling their plastic and glass.
While many Philadelphians thought that postponing yesterday's match-up would give the edge to their running game, the Minnesota Vikings say they would have rather played at Lincoln Financial Field during the blizzard simply because snowballs are softer than batteries and beer bottles.

Some sports enthusiasts say this is just another example of the NFL getting wimpy. “The NFL is becoming sissified,” says longtime football fan Dave Fowler. “Nowadays players can’t do manly things like a dancing in the end-zone, they can’t send a tweet from the sidelines, and now they can’t even go out and play in snow! The league has turned them all into a bunch of pansies!”

Here's a nice picture from that other 1967 "Ice Bowl" on the day Doyd Bowler went for that gutsy game-ending 7-10 split.
There was a time when football was played no matter what the weather conditions were outside.  (ie: "The Ice Bowl" of 1967, "The Fog Bowl" of 1988, "The Dust Bowl" of 1936.)  The weather in Pennsylvania last Sunday was nothing compared to the conditions experienced during the 1948 NFL Championship game when the Chicago Cardinals lost 7-0 to the Philadelphia Eagles in a late December blinding snowstorm where it was so cold that instead of “the finger,” Philly fans were reduced to rudely giving visiting fans “the mitt.”

In fact, it snowed so much at Shibe Field back then that ticket-holders were unable to leave the stadium for weeks... and after concessionaires ran out of cheese steak sandwiches and Iron City brew, Eagles fans resorted to eating the Cardinals’ team roster... a game now known to football historians as “The Canni Bowl.”

Here's a nice vintage photograph of the Chicago Cardinals heading toward the locker-room to warm-up at halftime during the snowy 1948 NFL Championship game at Philadelphia's Shibe Field.
League commissioner Roger Goodell announced that yesterday’s postponed Vikings-Eagles game in Philadelphia has been rescheduled to start at 8pm (ET) this Tuesday making it the third consecutive week Brett Favre’s bad karma has screwed-up scheduling in the NFL.

In related news, the NFL has moved this Sunday’s Bears-Packers game at Lambeau Field from a noon (CT) kick-off to a 3pm start to give all the Wisconsin Badgers fans a few extra hours to recover from their Rose Bowl hangovers.

Monday, December 20, 2010

PACKERS 27-PATRIOTS 31

(December 19, 2010) --- Son of a bitch!

For sale, best offer: Wide screen TV... high def.  Remotes and manuals in good condition.  Slightly noticable hole in middle of screen as a result of watching a kick return by a fat-assed Patriots offensive lineman.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

THE TWELVE BAYS OF CHRISTMAS

(December 18, 2010) --- Like most of us, we’re all dreaming of a Green & Gold Christmas! But have you picked out a present for that hard-to-buy-for Packer Backer on your “nice list” this season? Well, with the holidays just around the corner, the PackerPage continues its series on Green Bay gift giving while taking you through the “12 Days of Christmas” with a unique gift idea each and every day leading up to December 25th.

On the Seventh Day of Christmas...

Don’t you wish there was a way to train that obnoxious Chicago Bears fan to shut-the-hell-up! Packers fans really do try to put up with those Windy City Whiners... there’s no question about that. But sometimes their incessant yakking just gets to be a bit too much.

That’s why every Packers fan should own Bear-Off... the only Bear-fan repellent approved by both the NFL and the ASPCA (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to A-Holes).

"My dad has been complaining about the guy next door who just wouldn't shut-up about how he believed Don Majkowski crossed the line of scrimmage in 1989 or how great the 1985 Chicago Bears were.  It was driving him nuts, so I bought him Bear-Off.  After just one-week of hanging it out of his bedroom window he managed to convert that loud, pathetic Bears fan into a subdued, pathetic Bears fan!  That's because Bear-Off utilizes cutting-edge ultrasonic sound technology to help control near-by boisterous Flatlanders and stop them from incessantly flapping their jaws!  Bear-Off is right on!"

Unlike sticks and stones, Bear-Off uses a frequency that humans cannot hear, but dogs and FIB’s can! With a simple push of a button, near-by unbearable Bears fans will snap to attention and immediately stop their annoying yapping.

After some conditioning, by continual use, you’ll teach that dude with the Ditka ‘stash in a Bears sweater-vest to break that jibber-jabbering habit once and for all.

With just the flick of a switch, Bear-Off will take a loud-mouthed lug from the Land of Lincoln (left) and turn him into a bearly audible Bears fan (right).  Now if this device could only make them completely disappear...
Bear-Off is a small and compact wireless device that can be taken with you on those dreaded trips through Illinois, to games when Chicago plays at Lambeau Field, or while watching an NFL broadcast at your neighborhood sports bar. It's a handy little gadget that is guaranteed to quiet that dog-of-a-Bears fan faster than you can say “The Bears still suck!” Not only does Bear-Off make a terrific stocking-stuffer this Christmas, but it'll also help bring Packers fans one step closer to peace on Earth.

The Lynn Dickey dickey.  And just like Lynn, this dickey comes in both #10 and #12!
Tomorrow for “The Sixth Day of Christmas,” the PackerPage brings you a holiday hint for that Packers fan who is stuck in the 80’s. We’ll let you know where you can pick-up an authentic Lynn Dickey dickey... a mock turtleneck which gives you a fashionable look of layering without the bulk or extra body warmth while at the same time honoring that curly-haired Hall-of-Fame Packer QB from Kansas.

Monday, December 13, 2010

THE VIKINGS GREAT ESCAPE

(December 12, 2010) --- Following several frustrating seasons of threatening to take his franchise elsewhere if he didn’t get a new stadium, Minnesota Vikings owner Zygi Wilf finally snapped. He’s made the decision to move his team out of the state.

Here's a nice picture of the Vikings new home.  Just remember, it's not very safe in Detroit.  Our advice:  While in the city, always lock your car doors because some bad person may get into your vehicle and leave you a pair of tickets to see that team play at Ford Field.  Yikes!
Wilf, embarrassed for years that his team had to play in a big tent with a football field inside of it, had repeatedly begged the city for millions of dollars for a newer and bigger tent. (“Whenever I looked at that cystic eyesore,” said Wilf, “I wanted to pop it like a zit.”) And when begging didn’t work, he resorted to blackmail. But, as Zygi soon discovered, Minnesota doesn’t negotiate with owners of teams who suck.

But Zygi had had enough. “I decided to move the Vikings to a major city that hasn’t had an NFL team in decades... Detroit.”

The PackerPage was told by the league that the Giants-Vikings contest --- originally scheduled to be played yesterday afternoon in Minnesota’s Metrodome --- has already been moved to this evening’s Monday Night Football game at the Detroit Vikings new home at Ford Field.

Zigy & the Sly Czar from Thor's.
Minnesota’s abrupt mid-season move to Detroit happened stealthily in the middle of the night. Late Saturday evening, Wilf brought in a crapload of boxes and packed up his team (big boxes for linebackers, smaller ones for kickers and punters) along with jerseys, equipment and that ugly-bald-but-still-hairy-fur-wearing-dude-with-the-horn-hat-and-an-axe, and sent them east to Michigan. Officials said the transition went quicker and smoother than expected because the Vikings didn’t have to worry about packing up and transporting anything as fragile or important as Super Bowl trophies.

As soon as the moving trucks pulled away, Wilf lingered behind at a tavern within eyeshot of the Dome. Sitting at a table near a window at Bullwinkle’s Saloon, he pulled off the final stage of his dastardly plan. With a can of Schlitz in one hand and the handle of a dynamite plunger in the other, Zygi took a sip of 3.2 beer and then pushed down on the lever which triggered a strategically placed firecracker which turned out to be more than enough explosive power to take down the MetroDump’s outdated white Jiffy Pop rooftop.

Exclusive to the PackerPage: Dramatic before and after photos of the HHH Mall of America Metrodome.  Vikings fans know it wasn't the first thing to collapse in Minnesota this season.
“Minnesotans need to man up.” Wilf explained with a maniacal laugh. “Everyone is so proud of the hardcore winters up here and the fact that they survive them each year. And then they went and built this stupid dome. At least in Detroit they embrace their stupidity.”

“Um... is that microphone on?"

Thursday, December 9, 2010

COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET

(December 9, 2010) --- When the Packers and Bears meet for the 181st time this January 2nd, both teams will look, play and bleed just like they did back when the two clubs first clashed in 1921.
Not only will the Packers and Bears be playing with throwback footballs made from inflated pig blatters this January but fans in the stands will discover that they also make a yummy halftime snack.
Following the success of the Packers’ throwback jerseys they wore last week, the NFL announced today they plan to repeat the process for the last regular season game between the league's two oldest teams, but this time they plan to take the experience a couple of steps further.

"To prepare for the ultimate throwback game featuring the Packers and Bears, we did a lot of research to truly replicate the atmosphere of professional football as it was played 90-years ago," announced NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. "That means no women will be allowed inside to see the game at Lambeau Field... but every man in attendance gets a complimentary fedora and a pack of cigarettes!"

If you are planning to see the Packers and Bears play this January, be sure to pick up one of the retro game programs the NFL will make available to fans at Lambeau Field.  In it you'll find a welcome letter from commissioner Roger Goodell, an interview with Chicago coach Lovie Smith where he explains why Jay Cutler is the best Bears quarterback since Kyle Orton, hair-care tips on avoiding split-ends from Packers linebacker Clay Matthews along with valuable money-saving coupons for such products as None-Such Mince Meat, Viceroy Filtered Cigarettes and Squibbs Cod Liver Oil.
For the league's oldest rivalry next month, the Commissioner said each team will wear NFL gear from the early-1920's which will include tight leather helmets, brown canvas pants and jerseys made entirely of wool. Said Goodell, "You'll see today's players performing just as they did way-back then. You know, walking around with traumatic cerebral contusions, compound bone fractures, missing teeth, bloodied faces, badly bruised nuts and worst of all, itchy chests."

Additionally, both the Bears and Packers will temporarily cut their team rosters to a couple dozen players who will play every down on both offense and defense, just like they did in the olden days. Also, all footballs used will be made of inflated pig bladders... and defensive tackles can not only sack the quarterback, but they can legally bludgeon and maim him as well.

Goodell added, “We haven’t told any of the players yet, but to truly honor the spirit of the of the NFL as it was in 1921, all they’ll get paid that day is a hundred-bucks and a free train ride home.”

Digging Out the Duds

Green Bay Packers
In 1920, the Indian Packing Company was purchased by Wile E. Coyote's Acme Packing Plant. Acme continued its support of Curly Lambeau's team in Green Bay, and in its first season in the NFL the team wore jerseys with the words "ACME PACKERS" emblazoned on the chest. Lambeau, who had attended the University of Notre Dame, borrowed the team's colors of navy blue and gold from the Irish. Little known fact: The way-too-tight-in-the-back-end brown canvas pants were eventual replaced when the NFL banned the "flying wedgie."

Chicago Bears
The early Chicago Staleys football outfits from 1921 were designed by head coach George Halas' former cellmate, full-time mobster and part-time seamstress Samuele Cardinelli. Team historians say the prison stripes on the front of their original team jerseys were a tribute to Halas' alma mater, the Joliet Correctional Center.  Original Staleys on-field gear also included a switchblade, shiv, brass knuckles, and six-feet of strangle wire.

In related news, the New York Giants will also be getting into the NFL throwback spirit as they recently announced they will close out their regular season on January 2nd with a game against the visiting Pottsville Maroons.