Thursday, November 25, 2010

CHILLY AND PHILLIPS: KRAUT OF THE NFL

(November 25, 2010) --- The NFL is now on notice... lose a game to the Packers and you just may lose your job.

The day after Dallas got their silver butts booted 45-7 by the Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field a couple of weeks ago, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones watched carefully as head coach Wade Phillips boxed up his stuff, had his defensive linemen escort him out of his office while Jones gave Phillips one last piece of advice; "Don’t let my million-dollar screen door hit your fat ass on the way out."

Vikings fans finally get their wish.  Now it's not so Chilly in Minnesota.
Then, after the Packers’ next game, it happened again... another NFL head coach was canned smack-dab in the middle of the season. Yep, just 24-hours after the USS Green Bay torpedoed the sinking Vikings’ ship 31-3 in the Land of 10,000 Lakes, Minnesota football fans could still be heard booing as Brad Childress was handed his own personal purple version of the pink slip.

But what now for Phillips and Childress?

Here's a nice photo of former Dallas head coach Wade Phillips' ass (left) moments before it was "screen-doored..." and of the fern (right) that Cowboys' owner Jerry Jones appointed to take over as the team's new offensive coordinator.
Well, apparently they have already found new gigs. The PackerPage and Entertainment Weekly report that CBS television has signed the two former head coaches to play key roles in their revival of the Sixties military TV sitcom "Hogan’s Heroes."

Nancy Tellem, President of CBS Network Television Entertainment, said she couldn’t believe their luck. "Around the same time Phillips and Childress were fired from their coaching jobs, we just happened to be casting for someone to play the role of a fat, dumb, inept German sergeant and a bald, skinny, bumbling Nazi colonel. It was a perfect fit!"

Final score: Hogan's Heroes 35-Stalag 13.
"Hogan’s Heroes" revolves around the story of two incompetent Germans who are in charge of Stalag-13, a POW camp for captured Allied airmen during World War II which features Colonel Wilhelm Klink (Brad Childress) and Master Sergeant Georg Schultz (Wade Phillips). Tellem proclaimed, "They were born to play these roles!"

Klink and Schultz initially think their camp is inescapable and that they will win the war, but instead they are often the subject of ridicule, espionage and sabotage by the Allied prisoners they are supposedly in charge of -- led by U.S Air Force Colonel Robert E. Hogan (to be played by Wisconsin-born actor Chris Noth). In fact, the two Nazi’s are so incompetent and delusional that they are often threatened to be fired by their superiors and sent to the Russian Front. And, just like the real-life Childress and Wade, hilarity ensues.

(Scene from "Hogan's Heroes" starring Wade Phillips and Brad Childress.)
Schultz: "My Herr ex-Kommandant."  Klink: "What is it, Schultz?"  Schultz: "I have good news, and bad news."  Klink: "Give me the good news first, Schultz."  Schultz: "The Gestapo ordered you to be shot first thing in the morning."  Klink: "That's the good news?!  What's the bad news?"  Schultz: "They're not giving you a blindfold."  Klink: "Anything else?"  Schultz: "They're asking for volunteers for the firing squad."  Klink: "Ha!  They'll never get any volunteers from my men!"  Schultz: "I beg to report, Herr Kommandant, they did."  Klink: "How many volunteered?"  Schultz: "Forty-nine."  Klink: "How many men do we have?"  Schultz: "Fifty-five."  Klink: "At least six of my men are loyal."  Schultz: "No, Herr Kommandant.  Two are in the hospital and four are physically unable to shoot."  Klink: "Wait a minute.  Wait a minute!  We only have fifty-three men!"  Schultz: "Not counting the two you cut from the squad earlier this year.  But they came back this morning when they heard you were going to be shot."
The first episode of the new "Hogan’s Heroes" is set to debut February 11th on CBS airing opposite NBC's special installment of "American Sportsman" titled "Hunting Bear in Chicago."

Thursday, November 18, 2010

VIKINGS ASSIST FAVRE IN RETHINKING RETIREMENT

(November 17, 2010) --- Brett Favre is back home in Mississippi.

Just days after the team's 27-13 loss to the Chicago Bears, Vikings teammates Jared Allen, Ryan Longwell and Steve Hutchinson took the day off from practice yesterday to visit Favre at his home in Eden Prairie, Minnesota.

The players said they made the trip to apologize to Favre. They told him the team may have been a little bit too pushy last August when they begged the veteran quarterback to return for a second season in purple. Longwell said, "We told Brett we now realize that we were very selfish and only thinking of ourselves when we initially asked him to come back. That wasn’t fair to him or us. We just wanted to give him a second-chance to rethink his decision of rejoining the Vikings this year."

Just as his limo sped-off to the airport, Brett Favre shed a few tears and mumbled a couple of goodbyes as he bid farewell to Minnesota and football.  By-the-way, this is nothing.  You should have seen how Childress delivered Randy Moss to Tennessee.
Hutchinson agreed. "All the while we were stuffing him into the trunk of the limo that Chilly rented for us, we told Brett he had a good run in the NFL and that 19-and-a-half seasons in the league is something to be very proud of."

The trio said they surprised Favre with the VIP treatment he deserved. After a stretch limousine ride to the airport, Brett was carried aboard a private jet to fly him home to Hattiesburg, Mississippi. Said Longwell, "We think we helped him make the right decision."

You might remember it was just three-months ago when the Vikings added $17-million to Favre’s contract to persuade him to play a second-season in Minnesota. But are the 3-and-6 Vikings having a case of buyer’s remorse? Not so, according to Brett's teammates.

Said Allen, "It had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that in just nine-games he's thrown an NFL-leading 16-interceptions, lost six fumbles, or that his passer-rating ranks 31st in the league... or that our 41-year old buddy has an injured shoulder, his foot is falling off or that his willie has been getting more press than Justin Beiber's hair. That would be nitpicking. We just made him an offer he couldn’t refuse."

"Constitutionally, gentlemen, you have the Vikings Owner, the Head Coach and the Quarterback, in that order... and should the Owner decide he wants to transfer the helm to the Quarterback, he will do so.  He has not done that.  As of now, I am in control here, in the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome."
In his weekly press conference earlier today, Vikings head coach Brad Childress read a farewell letter he said was left behind by Favre. The note, written on the back of Brad Childress stationary, read; "Dear Chilly, Sorry to bail out on you mid-season but it's time for me to step down and retire... for real. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for mucking-up the Vikings season and for not always heeding your advice on the football field. After all, you are a brilliant coach and I was just one of the many players you were the boss of. If anybody can turn this team around, it's you. Good luck against the Packers. Sincerely, Brett Favre."

Several attempts were made to reach Brett for comment but all calls went unanswered. Apparently upon his arrival in Hattiesburg, Favre was released into the custody of his wife Deanna who immediately confiscated his cell-phone.

Friday, November 12, 2010

CLAY MATTHEWS: HEAD & SHOULDERS ABOVE THE REST

(November 11, 2010) --- Beware of the Hair!

Quarterbacks in the NFL know that Packers’ linebacker Clay Matthews is a freakin' scary hairy beast on the football field.

But how does this long-locked linebacker muster his muscle? Where does his dominating power come from? How does he tap into his inner toughness? Well, it turns out his strength stems from... his hair.

After weeks of intense background analysis, the PackerPage genealogy research staff has determined Clay Matthews to be a direct descendant of Samson Agonistes. It's true! And we wouldn't Deliliah to you!

It's common knowledge that Clay Matthews' father Clay Matthews Jr. (Browns, Falcons) and uncle Bruce Matthews (Oilers, Titans) also had Hair Power.  It's what you'd call "Family Heirs."
And just like his 2,000-plus year old ancestor, the longer the mop, the bigger the whop... or in Clay's case, the longer the mane, the shorter their gain.

Sunday night, the second-year linebacker from USC dominated Dallas from the get-go. He was practically living in the Cowboys’ backfield. The Big Blonde Bull was deflecting passes, stuffing short-yardage runs, burying backs, eating OT's and crapping centers. The Claymaker was near the ball on just about every snap.

In fact, his follicles racked up four tackles, his split-ends deflected two passes, his sandy strands sacked a quarterback and his copious coif even turned a fumble into a TD. On that key interception, Matthews' long locks latched onto a ball (that was tipped by A.J. Hawk's bangs), and took it 62-yards for a Green Bay score.

We rest our case.
Matthews owns the title of "NFL’s sack king," and after knocking the Kitna out of the Dallas Cowboys' quarterback last Sunday night, Clay now has a total of 10.5 sacks so far this season, putting his hair on track to break the single-season sack record of 22.5 (set by Michael Strayhair in 2002). Clay has yet to have a bad-hair day this season.

But Matthews credits his success to the rest of the team, coach Mike McCarthy and especially his hair stylist who puts him through grueling two-a-day workouts which include intense conditioning... not to mention scrunching, brushing, shampooing, untangling, teasing and straightening.

And despite trading Al Harris to the Miami Dolphins last week, the Green Bay Packers still lead all teams in the NFL in the category of "total hair."

The 2010 Green Bay PackHairs currently lead the league in "total hair..." not to mention "locks" and "brushing."
The next game for the Packers will be on November 21st against the Minnesota Vikings who have been training their offensive line how to block, tackle, clip and trim while Brett Favre has been busy texting Matthews daily gift certificates to SuperCuts.

The Steelers dropped to seconds place in "total hair" after it was discovered through his agent that Pittsburgh strong safety Troy Polamalu filed for extensions.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

WADE NO MORE

(November 9, 2010) --- In case you haven't heard, Wade Phillips was fired from the Dallas Cowboys one day after his team got spanked (45-7) by the Green Bay Packers in Lambeau Field last Sunday night.

Replacing Phillips as the Cowboys' new warden will be the team's assistant correction's officer and offensive coordinator Jason Garrett. You may remember that Garrett’s big claim-to-fame was carrying Troy Aikman's clipboard during the Cowboys' 1993 and 1995 Super Bowl wins.


But honestly... how could Jerry Jones be so insensitive as to fire a man who is six-months pregnant?

This is the first time in Dallas Cowboys history that a head coach has been fired mid-season, and the very first time an NFL team has experienced implosions at two different stadiums in the same year.

The 1-7 Cowboys --- who have now lost their last five games --- are off to their worst start since 1989... you know, back in the good old days when their defense coordinator was Johnnie Cochran.

But not all Cowboys fans were totally happy with the news of Phillips firing. Longtime Dallas backer Tony Ponorica admitted he was very upset he lost his scapegoat. He wondered, “NOW who we gonna blame for being so God-awful crappy?”


"I'm not telling you how to do your job, but..."

What’s next for Wade? Well, he himself is not yet entirely sure. But he did say he’s hopeful he’ll get his old part-time job back of carrying the bags under Jerry Jones’ eyes.

In related news, the FDA issued a stern warning to all Americans that the mixture of tryptophan from your turkey dinner combined with having to watch the Cowboys and Lions on Thanksgiving Day may well induce widespread diaboring comas.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

RANDY MOSS TAKES HIS BEEF TO TENNESSEE

(November 5, 2010) --- Just one month ago, Randy Moss gushed about rejoining the Minnesota Vikings. He felt fortunate to return to his first team and was looking forward to once again dining on lutefisk, wild rice and rainbow trout in the Land of 10,000 Lakes.

But just one day after Moss' highly publicized rant during a Twin Cities team buffet, the happy reunion was suddenly over.


LEFT: Spoiled brat.  RIGHT: Spoiled brat.  Know the difference.

Vikings head coach Brad Childress informed his team during a meeting that the finicky wide receiver had been permanently removed from the squad's weekly reservation list. Childress stated, "We wish Randy the best as he moves forward with his particular dietary needs and tastes."

The PackerPage discovered Moss was fired from the Vikings when his brutally honest food reviews differed drastically from the rest of the staff. While most of the Vikings players "absolutely loved" last week's locker-room buffet, Moss gave the chicken and ribs two-thumbs down... and the round of beef he examined at the carving station faired no better. According to teammates, Moss shouted, "What the (expletive) is this? I wouldn't feed this (expletive expletive) to my (expletive) dog!"

Brett Favre, on the other hand, repeatedly claimed that he had enough to eat but was seen returning to the buffet table at least four-times.


Right about now former Vikings head coach Dennis Green is rolling over in his gravy.

Moss' brutal comments didn't sit well with boneless chicken-breast connoisseur Childress. "He said didn't like the surf & turf after our loss to the Jets... he bitched that our chicken wings were 'too spicy' after we dropped that game to the Packers... and last week he went on-and-on about how he missed Belichick's creamy New England clam chowder." Apparently, Childress was livid. "After four weeks of bad food reviews, I just came to the conclusion that there is no pleasing the guy, so we cut him loose."

Football fans will remember that it was just a little over a month ago when New England coach Bill Belichick released Moss from the team immediately after the receiver publicly stated the Patriots' clam chowder was too salty. Then strangely, just one month later, after the Vikings lost to his former Patriots team, Moss had a change-of-heart and redacted his chowder comments. He said, "I'm definitely down that Minnesota's food sucks. I don't remember it being this bland. I don't know how many more times I'll be in New England again. I don't know how many more times I'll taste that clam chowder again. But I stand here giving Boston and that thick white soup a salute. I love that chowder. I miss it. I'm out."

After being dumped by the Vikings last week, 21 teams in the league passed on the controversial NFL left-over until the Tennessee Titans cleared a place for him at their table. Head coach Jeff Fisher explained that they desperately needed to acquire a turkey in time for Thanksgiving.