Sunday, October 31, 2010

TOP FIVE PACKERPAGE HALLOWEEN COSTUMES OF 2010

(October 31, 2010) --- Happy Halloween from the PackerPage!

Have you put any thought into what you might wear later tonight to that costume party? Well, the key factor is to be topical but not overdone... and be original. You don’t want to be one of the many Christine O'Donnell witches or dusty Chilean coal miners staggering around tonight, do you? Besides, you’re a football fan, so why not outfit yourself with something that lets everyone know who you love... or who you love to hate. As usual, dressing up as Curly Lamboo and Vince Lambatty will always be a hit in Wisconsin. But if you’re looking to be something a little bit different for this year’s Monster Mash, here’s the latest PackerPage list of what we feel will be the “Top-5” Most Popular Packer Halloween Costumes of 2010.

A Detroit Lions Fan

Nothing says “Loser” more than the Detroit Lions. Since Halloween of 2007, the team has played 47 games of which they’ve won just five. If you’re a Packers fan, this could be your tribute to the team that hands you those two easy wins each season. And it’s a great costume for those last minute Trick or Treaters. All you need is a Detroit Lions jersey, a magic marker and a paper bag from your local grocery store. But remember, if you’re a Chicago Bears fan, simply substitute paper with plastic.


Jay Cutler

Apparently catching a pass from Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler isn’t very hard to do. In 59 games, Cutler has thrown 70 interceptions. 70! And so far this year Jay has been sacked a total of 27 times, (nine of those during the first half of their game against the Giants). Because Cutler gives away footballs like we hand out candy on Halloween, what better costume to wear on October 31st than a burlap sack with a navy-blue #6 displayed on the front... while handing out complimentary miniature footballs, of course!  And be sure to do it while sitting on the ground.


The Packers PUP Roster

You know most Packer fans are going to dress-up as Aaron Rodgers this Halloween... and why not? The guy’s a stud. But why not be a bit different and take the more difficult path and represent Ryan Grant, Jermichael Finley, Nick Barnett, Al Harris, Atari Bigby and a dozen other hurt Green Bay players all at the same time? Simply wrap yourself in a full body-cast to symbolize the blown knees, concussions, sprained ankles, turf toes, fractured arms, broken legs and whatever other injuries have ravaged the Packers’ roster this season. Either that, or dress up as a giant Super Bowl XLV trophy with green and gold crutches!


A Chicago Bears Fan

Not everyone goes as Angels or Mother Theresa’s on All Hallow’s Eve. As you well know, most people instead like to represent the evil, bad and creepy side of life and dress up as slutty devils, slutty ghosts, slutty vampires and even slutty Mother Theresa’s. But if you want to be extra evil and incredibly creepy, head to that Halloween party as your average Chicago Bears’ fan. All you need to make the costume complete is a Bears’ jacket, hat and one of those ridiculous, outdated Mike Ditka-styled mustaches. Now that’s big, dumb and really scary... but in a don’t-get-too-close-you-might-catch-something kind of way.


Brett Favre

Within the span of just three-years, this once “most-loved” quarterback has managed to piss-off most of the NFL and turn the average football fan into an amateur urologist. From his annual retirements to sexting body parts, Favre has become a bit of a league nuisance... and probably the best Halloween costume idea of 2010! There are several ways of becoming Brett Favre on October 31st, but we’ll leave you with the easiest. All you need is a #4 jersey, a pair of crocs and a cell-phone camera. To complete the outfit, leave the Wranglers at home. Then, when you get to your costume party, say you're going to quit and leave the party, but then come back a few minutes later. Do this, like, eight times and you’re guaranteed to be the party’s MVPP!  There really is no better way to say, "Happy Halloweenie!"

Sunday, October 24, 2010

NFC NORTH QUARTERBACK FAQ'S

(October 23, 2010) --- How well do you know your NFC North quarterbacks? Okay smartass; let’s take a quick QB pop quiz.

Aside from gold, name one of the colors Aaron Rodgers wears when he’s playing for the Green Bay Packers. Can you correctly spell “Favre?” Would you like to punch Jay Cutler in the face?

The National Football League... truly a game of inches.
You’ll discover that there’s a big difference in the quarterbacks that lead the Packers, Bears and Vikings. For instance, Aaron Rodgers is known for making good decisions, Jay Cutler is known for making bad decisions, and everyone knows Brett Favre can’t make one at all.

Always remember, being an informed sports fan is more important than ever, and this in-depth PackerPage quarterback guide will help you dish out the bull when sucking down brewskis with your NFL buds and add some much needed machismo when you’re trying to impress the ladies.

You’ll find all the vital information about the guys that take the snaps in the Black & Blue division right here at your fingertips, so don't watch a single game without this useful tool. Speaking of tools... let’s start with that Vikings’ quarterback.


Brett Lorenzo Favre

The Vikings have put themselves in a situation where they live and die with Brett Favre. And football fans in Minnesota know their lake shanty is on thin ice.

Favre is bruised and battered and extremely bummed. He has tendinitis in his throwing arm, a very sore ankle, and his Blackberry is on the fritz.

Favre has become just another football player. His sun is setting; his leaves are changing color; his cell-phone minutes are all used up. Favre is ordinary enough that his quarterback rating has fallen to 72.1 (28th in the league), down there with Alex Smith, Sam Bradford and you. And after five-games this season, Brett still has more interceptions than touchdowns. But you really do have to admit, Favre’s late fourth-quarter game-losing picks are a thing of beauty.

Then there’s his age. Grandpa Brett is so old he now needs a seeing-eye center to lead him to the huddle. Favre is so ancient that every time he steps onto the football field he yells at all the young players to get off of his lawn. He’s been in the NFL so long that when he first started playing football he was sending women lewd telegraph messages.

Sure, some still regard Favre as the league’s “Ol’ Gunslinger,” but it turns out all he’s packing today is an unloaded pocket Derringer.


Jay Nimrod Cutler

When the Denver Broncos traded quarterback Jay Cutler to the Chicago Bears in 2009, the Vanderbilt standout was labeled as arrogant, a crybaby and a malcontent. Bears fans only cared that he wasn’t Rex Grossman. That was, until he threw 26 interceptions.

Sure, Cutler made Brett Favre’s arm seem like a precision-guided smart-bomb launcher... but that was last year. This season Cutler has the most relaxing gig of any QB in the NFL because he’s spending most of his playing-time... on his back. In fact, Cutler has been sacked so many times (23 so far this season, including nine in one game) that he should be wearing burlap. It’s gotten so bad that Jay is considering asking the NFL if he can hike the ball to himself while defenders count to five before they’re allowed to cross the line of scrimmage.

But apparently, when you have a dysfunctional organization who hires a dysfunctional offensive coordinator to lead a dysfunctional quarterback, you’re going to have problems. It’s either that, or Cutler’s ungroovy Justin Bieber haircut.

Jay Cutler: Just the right talent in his arm to justify running the ball 95% of the time.


Aaron Charles Rodgers

Rodgers is the first quarterback in league history to throw for 4,000 yards his first two seasons as a starter. But his progress this season has been hampered by so many injuries that team meetings and practices have been moved to St. Vincent Hospital.

Ryan Grant, Jermichael Finley, Ryan Pickett, Clay Matthews, Brandon Chillar, Nick Barnett, Al Harris, Atari Bigby, Mark Tauscher, Chad Clifton, Ace E. Elle, Irv Toe, Abe Rayshon and Brian Hemorrhage have all either missed time or suffered season-ending injuries for Green Bay. Sadly, even some of the injuries have injuries.

In fact, Packers coach Mike McCarthy says if they lose anyone else on offense, Rodgers may be forced to throw passes to himself.

Another concern is protection. We want Rodgers to get it! (And we hope Favre is using it.) Aaron Rodgers has been sacked 14-times so far this season which some say is the result of holding onto the ball a little bit too long. Aside from receivers who need to be open and a more solid offensive-line, Rodgers needs to get creative to prevent becoming a sack victim. For instance, while Aaron is scrambling, the least he could do is pump-fake a rocket-ball into the approaching defender’s gonads. Psych!

But overall, Rodgers rules the roost. The rest are just cock-a-doodle-doodoos. And we know that’s true because Brett Favre has photographic proof.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

NFL TO BAN DISTURBING “HEAD SHOTS”

(October 20, 2010) --- "We cannot and will not tolerate what we saw last Sunday," said NFL vice president of operations Ray Anderson. "We've got to get the message to players that these upsetting head-shots will be met with a very necessary higher standard of accountability for such offensive and deliberate shots."

Brett Favre: In favor of head-shots.
When NFL commissioner Roger Goodell first witnessed those head-shots last week, he said he cringed and then threw-up a little in his mouth. Anderson said he had to use 20-bottles of Visine to bleach his eyes and then had to pull out that part of his brain with an oyster fork so he could soak it in ammonia.

Needless to say, the league had seen enough and said it is taking immediate action.

The NFL has announced, effective this weekend, even first-time offenders will face fines and suspensions for disturbing head-shots, the ones that could very possibly lead to long term brain damage.

But some in the league disagree. In fact, veteran quarterback Brett Favre says he’s taken dozens of head-shots over the years and thinks it’s no big deal. Even some Vikings fans think that such head shots are harmless and only lead to uncontrollable snickering.

NFL referee Ed Hochuli was called in to revue Favre's head shot to see if there was a penalty such as encroachment, taunting, illegal use of hands, ineligible member or possibly using a helmet as a weapon.
The NFL’s tough new rules came out of the league’s investigation into the disturbing head shots Favre allegedly texted to reporter Jenn Sterger when both were employed by the New York Jets two years ago.

“I would rather have witnessed Clay Matthews stick his hand into an opposing quarterback’s chest, pull out his heart, take a bite, sack him for a 30-yard loss and give him a football transplant before ever seeing what I saw between Favre’s legs.”

Anderson said he was only reviewing the evidence when he was exposed to the picture. "We're talking about life-altering circumstances here. Sadly, I’ll never be able to get that likeness of that little Mississippi pee-pee out of my head. We just can’t let anything like that ever happen again in the NFL.”

In related news, the state of Wisconsin has updated its pornography laws which now make it illegal for anyone to possess images of Mike Ditka’s face.

Friday, October 15, 2010

QUARTERBACK'S SACK

(October 14, 2010) --- As John Lennon once sang, "Instant Karma's gonna getcha."   But for Brett Favre that karma came in the form of a football.  During yesterday's Minnesota Vikings practice, Favre tried to be Mr. Fancy Pants One-Handed Grab, but he failed to catch the ball and subsequently got clobbered in the frank and beans.  The good news: he's not feeling the pain in his arm anymore.  So, if you would like to see Brett Favre get hit in the MVPP, click here.

Down goes Favre!  Quick!  Someone call Bob Saget so he can award Brett Favre this week's $10,000 prize!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

PANTS ON THE GROUND!

(October 13, 2010) --- Despite the mainstream media's lies and smears, the PackerPage is here to report that Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre continues to have very high approval ratings... mostly in places like Eastern Minnesota, Southern Mississippi and John Madden’s motor-home.

Now that's one quarterback sack most fans do not want to see.  Ever.
Apparently, several news outlets are issuing stories that the NFL is reviewing allegations that flirty audio clips and racy pictures were sent by Favre to sports reporter Jenn Sterger when both were employed by the New York Jets two seasons ago. They claim that Brett’s cell-phone pictures of his “Little Lorenzo” were recently... um, intercepted... and posted on-line.

These rumors began to break nationally just before Minnesota visited New York for a Monday Night Football game earlier this week in which the Vikes had to play football while poor Brett’s privates became virtually-viral all the while having to endure tendinitis in his throwing elbow, (most likely the result of how he's been gripping his game balls).

Favre: "So sorry for the distraction, guys.  I promise I'll make it up to you with an awesome boat party after the season is over."
Favre fans agree that members of the mainstream media need to stop dicking around with their limp treatment of a very hairy situation by dipstick journalists who don’t have the balls to admit they made a whopper of a big boner. The PackerPage promises not to stoop to such sophomoric journalistic behavior and will be giving the three-time MVP the benefit of the doubt.

Anonymous sources close to the PackerPage claim all Favre was doing was helping Sterger by giving her an early scoop on his career move from the Jets to the Vikings by texting her a photo of Mini-Brett in a purple helmet. It’s either that or the fault of a sensitive cell-phone camera button and a defective pair of Wrangler jeans.

BrINT came up short in the Vikings' 29-20 loss last Monday against the Jets amid crazy rumors Favre let it all hang out.  The only overexposed dick the PackerPage could find in Minnesota was Randy Moss.
But despite those very plausible explanations, there are some who are actually turning their backs on the NFL vet. Some in Wisconsin say they are proud that the Green Bay Packers won Super Bowl XXXI, but now deny that Favre was ever a part of that team. These so-called TD-Party "Badger Birthers" refuse to believe Brett was their quarterback unless some kind of special document is produced that says otherwise.

The PackerPage will continue its probe into Little Lorenzo’s 15-minutes of unanticipated fame. But so far we were unable to find any skeletons in Brett Favre’s closet... just a crapload of complimentary Wrangler jeans.

And a penis pump.

With the elections just a couple of weeks away, next week the PackerPage examines the Upper Midwest weiner debate.  What's your preference?  A Minnesota kielbasa or a Wisconsin bratwurst.  Don't forget to vote on November 2nd!

Friday, October 8, 2010

MEET BRADY'S LADIES

(October 8, 2010) --- Just days after the Patriots traded Randy Moss away from their roster, head coach Bill Belichick is thinking of unloaded another New England veteran... Tom Brady.

Ex-Patriot QB Tom Brady?  NFL leader in long passes, shuttle passes and passes at supermodels.
After just four games into the 2010 NFL season, the New England Patriots have come to realize that this will not be their year. So instead of going through the motions with their aging line-up, it looks as though head coach Bill Belichick is unloading a few of the old farts on the team to make room for some new blood next season.

First to go was Moss, who Belichcik sent packing to the NFL’s current retirement home, the Minnesota Vikings.  Then news was leaked that Patriots quarterback Tom Brady will be traded out of the NFL to the Philadelphia Passion of the start-up Lingerie Football League.

"While I will keep private the details of intimate conversations with players and staff, suffice it to say that many things were taken into consideration before making the trade," Belichick said. “Basically, Brady has a nice tooshie... one of the best in the league. We decided that he might just be a better fit in Philly and the LFL.”

Tom Brady said he has always admired the Philadelphia Passion whenever they ran their famous naked booty-leg waggle and said he would someday like to get in on some of that play-action.
Although it has been clear that Moss was traded to Minnesota for a third-round 2011 draft pick and 500 pounds of lutefisk, Brady’s possble trade to the Passion is still surrounded in a bit of mystery.

But sources close to the PackerPage say the decision was mutual. Brady wanted to take snaps from underneath future LFL Hall-of-Dame center Tyrah Lusby, and Belichick needed the money from the trade to pay for better surveillance technology.

It’s no wonder why the Passion want Brady. So far this season he has thrown an average of two-TD’s per game, has one of the top quarterback rankings in the NFL and by far gets more slaps-on-the-ass from teammates than anywhere else in the league. According to Patriots’ running back Danny Woodhead, “I gotta admit that Tommy sure looked good in those tiger-print thong bikini underwears. We’re gonna miss that little man-whore.”

In related news, Vikings quarterback Brett Favre also expressed interest in playing with athletes in the Lingerie Football League next season and apparently has already texted some of the ladies a few resume photos of his “physique.”

"So this one time... at Jets camp..."
"Say 'Hello' to my little Lorenzo!"