Wednesday, September 29, 2010

THE MATTHEWIAN CANDIDATE

(September 29, 2010) --- The PackerPage has recently uncovered information revealing that Green Bay Packers linebacker Clay Matthews has been the subject of voluntary mind-control in an effort to better his hit-man performance on the football field.

Matthews --- who had 10 quarterback-sacks last season as a rookie --- racked up an impressive six sacks in just his first two games this season. The Packers attribute Matthews' improved "seek and destroy" abilities this year to the addition of a new "coaching" position which Green Bay covertly established last July.

Here’s a nice photo of Green Bay linebacker Clay Matthews shortly before undergoing his weekly indoctrination. Clay usually books his brainwashing just after his weekly appointment with his personal stylist to get his hair straightened and split-ends clipped.

Packers Defensive Thought-Reform Trainer Yen Lo, a former Chinese/Korean doctor-spylord, first introduced the cutting-edge psychology to the Packers with the goal of developing a more concentrated, intense defensive line through a special kind of hypnosis. Matthews was the first on the team to volunteer for the controversial procedure.

The process centers around the leagues loathing toward Minnesota Vikings’ quarterback Brett Favre. Yen trained Matthews to transfer and harness that feeling of animosity and focus it toward whomever the quarterback happens to be on the opposing team.

Packers’ linebacker Clay Matthews embarked on a special training program this season. Part of the regimen involves martial arts along with a certain proto-psychic hypnosis. Specifically, any opposing quarterback will be subconsciously substituted for a foe of special emphasis... such as a certain flip-flopping, over-the-hill, interception-prone, gray-haired Minnesota Viking grandpa.

Sitting in a movie theater chair with a bag of buttered popcorn, a giant box of Milk Duds and his eyelids propped open, Yen flashes a series of images in front of Matthews while recording his reactions. Using his thinking patterns, Matthews is then presented with a number of photographs of the quarterback he will be facing in the next Packers game. Then through a barrage of split-second images, jolts of electricity and a seemingly endless loop of Wrangler Jeans commercials, Matthews is brainwashed into thinking the next QB he will face will instead be Brett Favre.

The Packers have been using Matthews as a sleeper-agent linebacker since the pre-season with noticeable success. In fact the program has been so successful Matthews has been known to occasionally tackle unaware fans on the street who happen to be wearing replica football jerseys sporting the number “4.”

When Aaron Rodgers was asked to confirm whether Matthews was a brainwashed, mind-controlled, heat-seeking quarterback-destroying machine, the Packers field general responded with, “I am the Aaronator... a sophisticated sports robot sent back through time to change the future for one lucky team.”

It is common knowledge that Illinois authorities have been utilizing a brain-draining process called “Thought Stopping” on its citizens since the days of George Halas as a way to demand unquestioning devotion, loyalty and submission to that evil cult known as the Chicago Bears. Here’s a nice vintage photograph of a few FIB’s having their sense of self systematically destroyed before robotically marching into Soldier Field to “support” their team.

Friday, September 24, 2010

THE GRASS REALLY IS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE

(September 22, 2010) --- Last February the Minnesota Vikings were just one-win away from blowing their fifth Super Bowl. But right now it looks as though the people in purple are worried they’ll spend the rest of the 2010 football season sniffing Lion butt. And that's not sitting well in Minnesota.

Here's a nice picture of Vikings' quarterback Brett Favre sensing an oncoming choking feeling. Regardless, Favre is proud of the fact that he was able to effectively spread the ball out to a number of different receivers last week, even if they happen to play for the opposing team.

The state is best known for its 10,000 Lakes, grumpy old men, and the largest percentage of NFL bandwagon fans in the country. That wagon was filled past capacity when Brett Favre took the Twin Cities team to the playoffs last year, but after losing their second straight game last Sunday, local support for the Vikings dropped faster than hooker's knickers on Hennepin Avenue on a Saturday night. In fact it's gotten so bad the city fathers have stepped in to quell the panic, impede citizens from defecting, and prevent a possible statewide economic meltdown.

Immediately following the team's embarrassing 10-14 home loss to the Miami Dolphins last weekend, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty mobilized the National Guard in an attempt to keep fans from jumping off of the Vikings bandwagon. In a government move reminiscent of FDR's temporary bank shut-down to stall financial panic during the Great Depression, Pawlenty ordered all sporting good and department stores in the state to close their doors until further notice to prevent panicked "fans" from returning their recently purchased Favre and Adrian Peterson jerseys. Pawlenty feared refunds on a massive scale could make the recession in the state worse than it already is. "This is only a temporary measure," announced the governor. "The 'Sports Store Holiday' will only stay in effect until the Vikings move above the .500 mark... or until the Twins are deep into the playoffs, which ever comes first. And remember; the only thing we have to fear is, fear itself... and Favre's arm."

Why do the Minnesota Vikings have purple uniforms? Team historians say they wanted a color that would best match their faces whenever they started to choke.

The Vikings now find themselves at 0-2, and panic is already beginning to set in. That's because Vikings fans understand the cold, hard facts:

-Over the past 20-years, only 13-percent of teams that start off with two-losses have found their way into the playoffs.

-Since 1967, just two-percent of NFL squads who wear purple* have taken home a Vince Lombardi trophy. (*That would be Baltimore, buddy.)

-Brad Childress is your head coach.

-You have a grandpa taking snaps.

-You’re the Minnesota Vikings. Check your Super Bowl history.

After a very embarrassing start to the 2010 season, Vikings fans are doing more than just trying to get out of their Favre jerseys... some are trying to get out of the state.

Defections have been on the rise in Minnesota, so much so that Wisconsin legislators are considering approving a plan to build a border-wall to mitigate the flow of illegal Minnesotans from sneaking into the Badger State. According to Wisconsin state representative David Obey, this is the biggest border crossing problem he's seen since Minnesota first forced "that crappy watered-down ‘three-two’ beer on its residents."

Despite the sudden influx of aliens from the west, there are Cheeseheads that are somewhat sympathetic to the sudden influx of illegal immigrants; most saying they understand the lure of living in God's Country, the charm of cheese and the pride associated with being a Green Bay Packers fan. But some say if Minnesotans are serious about sneaking into Wisconsin, they should do their best to assimilate. "If you're gonna live here in America's Dairyland," stated Hank Bricko, a lifelong Hatley resident, "You should at least get to know the language and learn to speak 'Sconsin."

Here's a nice picture of the Wisconsin State ICE (Illegal Cheesehead Enforcement) Unit arresting an illegal Minnesotan shortly after he swam across the Mississippi River. He was apprehended outside of Buffalo Wild Wings in Hudson as he was attempting to catch the second half of last Sunday's Packers-Bills game.

But apparently it’s more than just swimming from Stillwater to Hudson to escape the Vikings, jucy lucy’s and Garrison Keillor. The PackerPage has recently uncovered news that there has been a substantial increase in the number of Minnesota women who have purposely crossed the border for the sole reason of giving birth in a Wisconsin hospital. That’s because they know you don’t just become a Packers fan, in Wisconsin you are born a Packers fan. This point was proven when state hospitals noted a substantial increase in newborn horn circumcisions.

In related news, the Wisconsin Department of Tourism announced their new marketing slogan for welcoming visitors entering the state from the south... "Don’t Illinois Me."

Monday, September 6, 2010

PACKERS ARE PUMPED UP AND TWO TIRED

(September 6, 2010) --- Although the Green Bay Packers remain a profitable team, they’re just not bringing in the green and gold for the Green & Gold as much as they used to.

Team officials announced that the Green Bay Packers posted an operating profit of $9.8 million in the fiscal year that ended last March, down from $20.1 million the previous year. According to Packers president and CEO Mark Murphy, the drop in profits has been attributed primarily on escalating player costs. “And to get us back solidly in the black, a few cost-cutting/money making measures had to be taken...  other than once again jacking up the price of your Miller Lite at Lambeau."

The Packers were the first team in the league to fly to away games when they pioneered the practice in 1940. Here’s a nice vintage photo of Packers tailback Cecil Isbell smiling as he departs Green Bay for a game in New York against the Giants. Leave it to the Packers to once again break new ground and lead the way in the NFL in transportation.

Beginning this week, the Packers squad will be saving the publicly-owned NFL franchise a crap-load of cash by having everyone on the team peddle to all of their away games this year. And by riding bicycles instead of boarding a jet, the team will be conveying a valuable environmental example to fans and other teams as well.

“Transportation costs eat up a big chunk of our budget,” said Murphy. “So we decided to leave the DC-3 on the runway this season and look at other forms of transportation.”

Due to the economy and the price of fuel, the Packers have become the first team in the NFL to go all “Lance Armstrong.” Here’s a nice picture of fans outside of Lambeau Field wishing Matt Flynn “Good luck against the Eagles” as he begins his 940 mile bicycle trek to Lincoln Financial Field in Philadelphia.

The idea stemmed from training camp and a tradition that has been in place since 1957 when young Packers fans have their favorite players ride their bikes to the practice field from the locker room.

“We just thought we’d take it a step further,” said Murphy. “And to additionally cut costs during these hard economic times, we’re giving the players the option to either supply their own bicycle or borrow one from one of the kids waiting outside Lambeau.”

Philadelphia or Bust! Packers’ punter Tim Masthay, tackle T.J. Lang, kicker Mason Crosby and wide receiver Donald Driver know that it’s not about where you’re going, it’s how you get there.

Even Packers’ Strength & Conditioning Coordinator Mark Lovat embraced the idea from the start. “In the past, we used to have them on the stationary bicycles several times a week. Sure, you’re toning up muscle... but you’re not going anywhere! Getting the entire team to pedal to-and-from all away games will provide true aerobic exercise for everyone on the squad. It’s a Schwinn-Schwinn situation.”

The Green Bay Packers mounted their bikes and departed this morning for their first regular season away-game against the Eagles this Sunday. According to Packers administration coordinator Matt Klein, the team will make several stops along the way to Philadelphia for food and lodging. “That includes a planned potty stop in Chicago so everyone can piss on Soldier Field.”

Just about everyone from the Packers’ front office will be joining the team and peddling to Green Bay’s first game in Pennsylvania this week... everyone, that is, except for the team’s senior financial account manager Traci Nygaard who can’t ride a bike any more. Apparently she lost her balance.