Monday, August 30, 2010

50 YEARS OF VIKINGS HISTORY: HIT AND MYTH

“It’s been 50 years? Wow. Really? Half a century, huh. Seems longer... like when your annoying, unsuccessful, know-it-all uncle with no common-sense crashes on your couch for seven weeks which feels more like seven never-ending years. You put up with it because you realize he’s sort of in-the-family, but you secretly wish he would just go away. It’s like that. But with purple.” --- Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle reacting to news that the Minnesota Vikings are celebrating their 50th year in the NFL.

To mark the team’s 50th year of mediocrity in the NFL, the Minnesota Vikings introduced three new designs which they say reflect the past, present and future of the NFC North team.

(August 28, 2010) --- This year, the Minnesota Vikings begin their 50th season in the NFL, and since 1961 the team from the Land of 10,000 Lakes has provided a valuable role in professional football. For every winner there are dozens of losers, and over the years the Vikings have embraced that role. They recognize their limitations and accept their shortcomings. In Minnesota they know that if you can't do something well, then learn how to enjoy doing it poorly.

With this mantra in mind, the Minnesota Vikings have launched a new integrated marketing campaign to celebrate, what they call, "50 Seasons of Near Greatness in the NFL."

The Vikings organization is planning dozens of interactive events and entertaining specials for all of their fans in 2010 from “Interception Sunday” and “Complimentary Projectile Night” to an extra-special “MetroDome Implosion Day” to be held during halftime of their last regular season home game.

Part of Minnesota history... the day Vikings receiver Randy Moss played Charades with Packers fans at Lambeau Field. Moss: “See if you can guess what I am now.”

This season will also be a time for Minnesotans to drink heavily and remember the history of their franchise with a look back at how the Minnesota Vikings stumbled into professional football.

In fact, not too many fans realize that football in Minnesota traces back to the 1920’s when the Duluth Eskimos were a traveling team in the NFL. With no stadium to call their own, the Eskimos had to journey from town to town to take on each of their opponents, sadly, with little success. It was during one very snowy November at the conclusion of the 1927 season while the 1-8 Eskimos were heading back to Duluth when their dog-sled team took a wrong turn at Lake Minnewawa, encountered a blinding snowstorm, and were never heard from again. That was, until the spring of 1960 when a longtime Koochiching resident, getting in some late-season ice-fishing, discovered the entire football squad encased in a frozen block of snow and ice. After consulting the experts at Butterball, the team was left in a large refrigerator overnight, submerged in room-temperature water for about a week and then garnished with stuffing and cranberry sauce until all were thawed completely.

Immediately after the stalactites disappeared from their arms, heads and balls, the team was reactivated by the NFL and then relocated to the Twin Cities in 1961 where they were rechristened the Vikings... a name they say perfectly fit their ravaging and plundering Scamdinavian background.

Brett Favre announced that he will take the Minnesota Vikings to the Super Bowl this season. Turns out he’ll be able to get the whole team some pretty good seats at the game ths February with his senior discount.

And here they are 50 years later (despite an empty Super Bowl trophy display case, the Dimitrius Underwood debacle, directionally-challenged defensive ends, Jeff George, a home stadium that likes to collapse, having to wear purple, Randy Moss, a desire to spend time in boats on lakes with hookers, the Herschel Walker trade, Brett Favre’s indecisiveness and a habit of choking in the big games that really count) celebrating the fact that the Minnesota Vikings are still in Minnesota.

Skol! *

MINNESOTA VIKINGS FACTS

-Headquarters: Eden Prairie, Minnesota
-Year founded: 1960
-First game: 1961
-Original founders: Max Winter, Bjorn Loozah, Sven Piggsfly and H├Ągar the Horrible
-Current owners: Zygi Wilf, Milf Wilf, I. Wilf-Uwil
-Super Bowl Appearances: 4
-Super Bowl Championships: 0
-Team nicknames: Vikes, ViQueens, Purple People Pukers, Chokers, Bridesmaids, Minnesosos, Team of 10,000 Excuses, Ice-Holes
-Home field: Maul of America Field at the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodump
-Team colors: Petering purple, fool’s gold and white-flag white
-Team song: “Skol, Vikings!”
-Vikings rallying cry: “Show your horns!”
-Viqueens rallying cry: “Show your hooters!”
-Team mascot: Thor Loser the Minnesota Viking
-Official website: minnesotavikings.con

(* Danish for "suck.")

Thursday, August 19, 2010

HOLEY HAIR-DO TEBOW!

(August 19, 2010) --- It all began two weeks ago when huge strands of hair began to fall mysteriously from the very center of the top of Denver Broncos eighth-string quarterback’s noggin, eventually forming a perfectly round bald spot with a thick border of hair around it. Tim Tebow’s teammate Matt Prater was the first to point-out that this strange fall-out could very well be a sign from God. “I simply told Tim one day that it looked like a hairy halo... you know, a hair-lo.”

Denver Broncos rookie QB Tim Tebow is either trying to start the sports-nation's next big fad or he's been hanging around the Merry Men way too much.

But others thought the whole Tebow transformation was just plain evil. “Every time I would look at the top of Tim’s chrome-dome,” uttered Broncos tackle Jamal Williams, “my balls would suddenly start to itch. Weird.”

It was only after a man-of-the-cloth was called in to see if the former Gator was exorcism-worthy when a priest close to Linda Blair recognized what Tebow was really going through. Turns out, Tim isn’t possessed at all. He’s simply suffering from a rare spiritual occurrence known as "Wigmata..." a sudden and spontaneous loss of locks in a fashion that curiously parallels the hair-style of religious figure Friar Tuck.

It was indeed a sign. And as a life-long home-schooled Christian, Tebow seems to have at last found the light. “I’m finally getting a hint from the Big Guy that there is more to just handsomely throwing a football and teasing the ladies with my virginity.”

Aside from giving his teammates something to rub for good luck before each Broncos game, his Rogaine-endorsed melon is opening up other doors of opportunity as well.

Tebow says he’s seriously considering other career offers which have recently come his way, including a gig as the new San Diego Padres sideline mascot or a more financially stable job at Medieval Times. And just yesterday Universal Studios approached Tebow to co-star alongside Dan Akroyd in the remake of the classic John Hughes film "The Great Outdoors" to play the role of Bart the Bald Headed Grizzly Bear.

Although Tebow's hair follicles may have died for his sins you have to admit that male pattern baldness is still always funny. By-the-way, shortly after this nice photo was taken, a couple of long-billed three-toed woodpeckers made Tebow's head their new home. (Incidentally, the Packers say it’s unfortunate they don’t get to play the Broncos this season as they have a Hawk who would just love to land on that particular nest.)

And if by some chance the NFL quarterbacking thing with the Bronco’s doesn’t quite work out, well... his hair should all grow back by the time he accepts that starting job taking snaps in the UFL.

Monday, August 16, 2010

BAD NEWS BEARS

(August 15, 2010) --- Not only did Chicago come out on the losing end of a 25-10 pre-season squeaker to the San Diego Chargers on Saturday, they also managed to lose several players due to on-the-field boo-boos. Players who were hurt included safeties Craig Steltz (hambone) and Major Wright (goozle), linebacker Hunter Hillenmeyer (vulva) and quarterback Caleb Hanie (feelings) and few others on the Bears’ roster you’ve never heard of.

But one of their players has finally been taken off of that injured reserved list. Brian Urlacher is back on the field doing what he does best mediocre... pretending to be a linebacker for the Chicago Bears.

Here's a nice picture of Bears tackle Brian Urlacher spending some quality time with Chicago's new starting quarterback Jay Cutler who then turned to his right and said, “Bald, dumb and limp-wristed is no way to go through life, son.”

Urlacher, who was out most of last season due to a wrist injury, promised head coach Lovie Smith he will do his best to keep his arm healthy throughout the season even if it meant giving up internet porn.

“It’s still a little bit stiff and sore from all the abuse, and you can barely see the cuts and abrasions anymore,” stated Urlacher. “Oh, and my wrist is feeling better too.”

Urlacher assured thePackerPage.com he’ll be as productive and able as he used to be over a year ago and promised his fans he’ll continue to pile-on just split-seconds after a tackle is made in order to pad his stats.

Recently Fox News propagandist Glenn Beck called Brian Urlacher a neo-Nazi which is absolutely not true. Instead, try neo-Nutsy.

Incidentally, following Detroit’s 23-7 pre-season loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers, Lions rookie defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh is expected to miss next week’s game against the Broncos. Not because he's injured, but because he just has better things to do.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

BRETT FAVRE RETIRES AGAIN... NOW WHAT?

(August 3, 2010) --- Brett Favre is retiring? Can it be?

Earlier today Favre sent text messages to teammates saying he plans to retire. Apparently the coach’s number must not be in Favre’s Blackberry.

"I'm not a big hearsay person," Vikings head coach Brad Childress said. "I've got to hear it from the horse's mouth." That’s when John Elway galloped in and confirmed the news.

Yes, after 19-years in the NFL, the old man is hanging up his cleats. But is he?

Recently Brett Favre admitted that he feels a little fatigued. He said he's mostly tired of reading all those stories about Brett Favre.

Instead of taking a loving look back at his long career, we decided to be the only reputable rag to do the complete opposite. After consulting our resident Psychic, Physiatrist and Psycho, the PackerPage has come up with a look into the NFL’s future regarding the one-and-only Brett Lorenzo Favre.

BRETT FAVRE TIMELINE
-August 3, 2010: Favre tearfully announces his retirement from the Minnesota Vikings and the NFL.

-August 4, 2010: The Chicago Bears announce that yesterday was the best day ever.

-August 5, 2010: The Vikings sadly accept Favre’s retirement and publicly wish him well.

-August 7, 2010: The Vikings announce they will officially retire Favre’s purple #4 jersey during a lavish halftime tribute featuring local professional strippers, donkeys and midgets to be held during the Minnesota-Green Bay game at Mall of America Field in late November.

After Favre screwed over the Vikings, Childress wondered if he still had to wash Brett's cars.

-August 23, 2010: After media backs off its coverage of his retirement situation, Favre suddenly has a change-of-heart and informs the Vikings he wants to continue to play for the team this season.

-August 24, 2010: Vikings carefully inform Favre through a mediary that the team has already made their decision to move on without him and announce that they will go with a much younger prima-donna quarterback... Tarvaris Jackson.

-August 25, 2010: A pissed Favre throws a tantrum and demands an unconditional release from the Vikings to clear the way for him to play for another NFL team.

-August 28, 2010: The Vikings cancel Favre’s retirement ceremony and book a puppet show instead.

-August 30, 2010: Favre appears on the Cartoon Network program "Space Ghost Coast to Coast" where he expresses his frustration with Minnesota management, accuses them of being dishonest, and discloses that Brad Childress once wanted to run away with him and have his baby.

In an exclusive interview with Space Ghost, Favre discloses he's dealing with ankle, knee, foot, hip, and groin issues... but says his uvula has never felt better.

-September 1, 2010: The Vikings announce they have traded Favre out of the division to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers after convincing the Glazer Brothers he is extremely good at headers and bicycle-kicks.

-September 12, 2010: Favre completes his first pass as a Buccaneer, an amazing 43-yard toss to Cleveland Browns safety Raymond "Bubba" Ventrone.

-October 7, 2010: During the Buccaneers’ bye-week, Favre has a senior-moment and accidentally announces another retirement.

-October 28, 2010: Following three consecutive home-game blackouts, the Vikings announce to all Minnesota bandwagon fans that they will offer discounted prices to their annual "Sex Boat" cruises with every game ticket purchase.

-November 22, 2010: After a humiliating 62-3 loss to the Green Bay Packers in Minnesota, angry torch-welding Vikings fans – some carrying tar and feathers -- chase Childress out of town.

-November 23, 2010: Minnesota bribes Dennis Green back to the team as head coach of the Vikings with a lifetime complimentary pass to the all-you-can-eat dinner buffet at the St. Paul Ponderosa Steakhouse.

-November 28, 2010: Favre sets another amazing NFL milestone when he throws his 350th career interception.

-January 3, 2011: After one mediocre 8-8 season with the Bucs, Brett Favre tearfully announces he will retire from football.

Despite another tearful retirement press conference in 2011, Las Vegas oddsmakers still have Brett Favre at slightly better odds at lasting longer in the NFL than the Minnesota Vikings.

-February 6, 2011: The Green Bay Packers win their 13th NFL title... Favre sheds more tears.

-March 3, 2011: The Vikings franchise announces it will be moving to Los Angeles.

-April 2, 2011: While undergoing hip-replacement surgery, doctors also diagnose Favre with dementia, delirium and one horrible bladder control problem.

-May 21, 2011: Favre becomes a TV spokesperson for Depends.

-July 7, 2011: In the middle of a rambling press conference about the splotchy rash on his bum, his hypertension and a seemingly non-ending story about how dog-gone windy it was last week, Favre announces his return to football.

-August 2, 2011: Favre becomes the first known active player in the NFL to be a diaper-wearing grandfather.

-August 15, 2011: Favre signs as the new quarterback with the Detroit Lions for the sole purpose he can stick it to the Los Angeles Vikings.

-August 14, 2012: Favre signs as the new quarterback with the Chicago Bears for the sole purpose he can stick it to the Minnesota Lions.