Saturday, July 24, 2010

BLACK & BLUE AND READ ALL OVER

(July 22, 2010) --- Searching for the perfect book to buy for that finicky Green Bay fan you know? Want to learn more about your favorite and/or least favorite football franchise in the "Black & Blue Division?" Need new pictures of Brett Favre to deface? Well, we’re here to help.

The PackerPage is pleased to release its annual list of the best books for each of the teams in the NFC North. As in the past, the PackerPage editorial staff considered a number of criteria; including editorial reviews, popularity, reader nominations, number of references, sales figures and recommendations from experts. But since all that sounded like it would take a lot of time and actual work, we instead just spent five-minutes on Google. Here’s what we came up with:

Here’s a nice picture of the PackerPage editorial staff who came up with this extensive list. They give new meaning to the term “bookworms.”

"The Glory of Titletown: The Classic Green Bay Packers Photography of Vernon Biever"
Professional photographer Vernon Beiver and his camera have covered the Green Bay Packers from the early days of Lambeau to the Lombardi era through Super Bowl XXXI and beyond. So, if you're a die-hard Green Bay fan who gets turned-on by close-up and personal photos of the Packers in all their glory, then this coffee-table book -- featuring 150 of the best Biever shots you'll lay your eyes upon -- is just for you.

"Chicago Bears: After Further Revue..."
Perfect sports book for those illiterate Bears fans who like to look at lots of bright colorful pictures. Also, the publishers were clever enough to leave small blank spaces in the text after every mention of the name "Bears" so the reader can easily write-in the word "suck" immediately after it. Warning: There are several photos of Mike Ditka’s face that might be frightening to small children and some farm animals.

"Minnesota Vikings: Always A Bridesmaid"
Everything you didn’t want to know about the Queens and more, including pictures of quarterback Fran Tarkenton’s ringless fingers, time-lapse photos of the HHH MetroDome collapsing and a complete list of all of the arrogant antics of Randy Moss. This book also includes a detailed map of all the team-approved strip-clubs in the Twin Cities area, plenty of pictures of the Vikings infamous 2005 "Lake Minnetonka Sex Boat Party" and an elaborate fold-out artist’s fantasy sketch of what a Vikings trophy case would look like if the team actually won a Super Bowl.

"Detroit Lions: 2010 Media Guide"
Not exactly what we call recommended reading. It's just proof for the unbelievers that an NFL team actually still does exist in Detroit.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

DUST TO DUST, ASHES TO ASHWAUBENON

(July 14, 2010) --- Green Bay, Wisconsin native Bernard Orlikowski was as big a Packers fan as you can get. He first saw his Packers play at Hagemeister Park not long after a stint in the Army during the Great War. He witnessed most of the games during Green Bay’s first three-peat in 1929, 1930 and 1931, and he was even around when a man named Lombardi turned his city into Titletown, USA.

Then, almost 50-years after putting in his initial request, Bernard finally got what he’d wanted most of his life... Green Bay Packers season tickets.

Upon receiving the news last week, his immediate family didn’t waste any time and had Bernard exhumed from his plot at Allouez Catholic Cemetery. “With the first home game just a month away,” said his grandson Scott, “we gotta get Grandpa ready for his big day!”

Here’s a nice photo of longtime Packer fan Bernie Orlikowski resting his bones after an exciting day with his family celebrating the fact, that after a very long wait, he finally got his Packers season tickets.

Bernard passed away after suffering a stroke on the evening of January 26, 1986. Yep, the day the Chicago Bears won a Super Bowl. “I guess he just couldn’t handle it,” said Scott. “Like most Packers fans, he hated those soms-a-bitches... probably more than most. And the thought of a FIB touching the Lombardi trophy... well, it just sorta pushed him over the edge.”

Although Bernard was initially awarded a pair of seats in the upper northwest corner of Lambeau, Packers Director of Ticket Operations Mark Wagner said he actually qualifies to watch the games from the handicap seat area just behind section 113 which will allow him a slightly better view of the action.

The Orlikowski’s say they’re excited for the old man. “When we wheel Grandpa Bernie into Lambeau on Thursday night under the lights for that pre-season game against the Colts in August, we’ll have him decked-out in one of those cool Acme Packers throwback jerseys, a big ol’ cheese-hat, and his prized bear-skinned winter coat which he made himself back in 1944 from an actual Chicago Bear.”

Bernard’s family is confident the old man is happy to once again be on the other side of Green Bay’s “Frozen Tundra.” Here’s a nice picture of a few of Bernie’s patient Packer Backer pals who are still waiting for a pair of their own Lambeau Field season tickets.

The Packers say Bernard has the “Green Package” which means he’ll be propped-up at Lambeau for at least six regular season home games this year. “We’re checking to see if we can leave him in his seat between those back-to-back home games in late October when we play the Dolphins and then the Vikings one week later. I don’t think they’ll mind all that much. He’s very quiet and low-maintenance, and shouldn’t get into too much trouble.”

Although Bernard finally has his highly-sought-after seat, the question remains who will accompany him for that first regular season game when the Packers host the Buffalo Bills on September 19th? Sure, all his grandkids would die to be there with him on opening day at Lambeau. But, they all agree that this special opportunity should go to Bernie’s wife of 90-years. They dig Margie up next week.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

LeBRON JAMES INSPIRES BRETT FAVRE

(July 8, 2010) --- Immediately after hearing of the LeBron James plan to turn his Thursday evening decision of which NBA team he'll play for into a one-hour ESPN television special, Brett Favre made it known to the world that he would not be outdone when it comes to self-important media overexposure.

So, beginning next week, taping will commence for a television network entertainment variety spectacular tentatively titled "S'Wonderful! S'Farvelous! That You Should Care For Me!" which will air in August opposite the NFL Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony.

The Brett Favre television variety spectacular will be sponsored by Wrangler jeans. But unlike Favre, the pants are wrinkle-free.

Favre said he will use his three-hour TV special as a public service to announce to his fans whether or not he will grace the Minnesota Vikings with his presence as their quarterback this season. But will viewers outside Minnesota allow a scruffily-looking grandpa quarterback to sing and dance his way into their hearts?

Well, Favre thinks so. He said he’s confident his fans will tune in to his TV spectacular initially because of the “will-he-or-won’t-he” factor, but will stick around for the laughs and the love. More specifically, said Favre, “We’ll supply the laughs, and you’ll provide the love.”

Favre said there will be comedy sketches, acrobatics, animal acts, magic tricks, dramatic recitations and even a musical number or two. Brett said he'll be performing several songs including "Should I Stay Or Should I Go," "Pants on the Ground" and "I Got You Babe," a touching duet with Adrian Peterson (if he doesn't fumble the lyrics).

According to the show’s producer, the special will open with an elaborate Egyptian backdrop with four Minnesota Viking teammates carrying Favre in on a purple palanquin to a giant throne where coach Brad Childress fans him frantically while slowly feeding him grapes one by one. Favre then whips off his cape, tosses his scepter and breaks into a snappy Gershwin tune, followed by a stand-up monologue which Brett hopes will be packed-full of Ted Thompson jokes.

If Grandpa Favre does indeed decide to return to play football this season, the NFL ruled he must be assigned the new jersey number of 401k.

Producers say special guest stars they are looking at to appear on Brett’s big-show include Tiger Woods, Lady Ga Ga, Jay-Z, Kobe Bryant, Kristen Stewart, Tina Fey, Justin Bieber, Will Ferrell and Katy Perry. But as of press-time the only celebrities they’ve been able to officially confirm thus far are Susan Boyle, Carrot Top, Danny Bonaduce, Jose Canseco, Pauly Shore, Sarah Palin, Andrew Dice Clay and that famous waterskiing squirrel.

Incidentally, Favre proudly announced that all proceeds from the yet-to-be broadcast program will go toward the Brett Favre Retirement Fund. He didn’t specify which one.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

FANTASY FOOTBALL TIPS: TACKLING QUARTERBACKS

(July 6, 2010) --- The NFL’s regular season is only a couple of months away, which means it’s that time of year when fantasy footballers are going to start spending more time on-the-job managing their fantasy teams than doing actual work. That’s because, as you know, preparing yourself for a run at that imaginary league championship is way more important than getting laid.

"I like fantasy football, but in my fantasy the quarterback takes the snap and tosses the football high-up in the air, and while it’s up there, it turns into Maria Sharapova, and when she lands in my lap, she slowly morphs into a giant cheesy bowl of chicken nachos with guacamole."

Of course, the start of every successful season begins with that mock draft. And to have a successful mock draft you need an accurate and in-depth set of mock player-rankings to help guide you through each and every round. That's where the PackerPage can help. We’ve assembled a staff of fantasy experts -- a dozen armchair quarterbacks, couch potatoes and a few other people who have no idea what they’re talking about -- to come up a list of who they think will be the most productive players in the NFL this season.

In this list -- the first in a series of rankings by position -- we bring you the “Top-5 Fantasy Quarterbacks” in the NFL. But remember: before you start your fantasy draft, you need a reality draft to put you in a fantasy state of mind. For that, we suggest a tall, cold mug of Miller High Life.

Okay, now you’re ready.
1. Aaron Rodgers, QB, Packers
No surprise here. As you know the NFL has become a passing league and Rodgers has been at the forefront of this evolution. He put up his second consecutive monster season in 2009, and has established himself as the top fantasy option at his position. Rodgers, who had 35 total scores last season, is well worth your high first-round selection on draft day for 2010. If you’re unable to draft Rodgers we seriously suggest you bail-out of your league as-soon-as-possible while trying your best at groveling to your fantasy football commissioner for a full refund.

2. Drew Brees, QB, Saints
The only reason Brees made our list is because he was apparently the quarterback for the team that won the Super Bowl earlier this year. Sure, Mr. Moley was third in fantasy numbers overall last year and has scored a combined 643 points since 2008, but remember, no one... I repeat... no one, ever survives the Madden curse. (Evil laugh.) Besides, after hearing “who dat!” a million-times every single day since February, we heard the guy is slowly going voodoo-postal and that it’s just a matter of time before he’ll snap faster than his center. And everyone knows it’s hard to throw a football whilst wearing a straightjacket.

3. Peyton Manning, QB, Colts
We know what you’re thinking: “Wait-a-minute!! Popular commercial actor Peyton Manning plays professional football?” As bizarre as it seems, it’s true! We checked. Now, the Colts field general may be healthy enough to put up good numbers this season but keep in mind Manning will be missing several Sundays later this year due to prior commitments recording ads for everything from Mastercard to Beggin' Strips, and rumor has it he got that big gig taking over for Billy Mays as the new pitchman for Sham-Wow!

4. Tom Brady, QB, Patriots
Following reconstructive knee surgery last year we have a gut feeling man-whore Tom Brady’s smooth and silky shaved legs won’t last through the pre-season. But if your fantasy league awards lots of points for the knack and skill of knowing how to properly hold a clipboard on the sidelines, then this is your guy.

5. Bart Starr, QB, Packers
Sure, he hasn’t taken a snap in almost 40-years but trust us, Bart will still earn you more points than that washed-up antique Brett Favre whose interceptions he’ll be throwing this season will kill any fantasy team. Remember, there's a reason why this is referred to as fantasy football, right? So while you’re at it, make a note to draft Ray Nitschke too. Although long since dead, his name on defense will still make the opposing quarterback poop his pants.
Next week the PackerPage football fantasy series continues with a comprehensive list of the top-5 kinks of Tony Romo. (Hint: #2 involves Jessica Simpson in nothing but a Favre jersey and a freshly baked apple pie.)

Now this is what we call fantasy football! (Hey, we'll do anything for additional page-views.)