Tuesday, June 29, 2010

STUCK IN A BRETT FAVRE TIME LOOP

(June 30, 2010) --- July 2nd is once again MediaHog Day in the NFL. It’s that time of year when football fans across the country discover if and when veteran waffler Brett Favre will decide to make a career decision or not.

Here’s a nice photo from last year’s festive MediaHog Day celebrations outside Favre’s home in Mississippi... a family event featuring colorful costumes, tasty homemade waffles and where parents pass on to their children fond stories of Brett’s retirements of seasons gone by.

All eyes are on Favre’s home in Sumrall, Mississippi. Legend has it that if Brett emerges from his multi-million dollar burrow Friday morning and sees a large cackle of reporters surrounding his estate, the aging quarterback will at last speak and make a decision on whether he will return to throw interceptions for the Minnesota Vikings or finally announce that he’ll retire from the game and gracefully ride his John Deere into the Mississippi sunset.

Then again, if Brett pokes his head out of his hole and doesn’t see ESPN, Sports Illustrated and Chris Mortenson sticking microphones in his face he’ll retreat back into his habitat which means six more weeks of wonder.

In related news, Lions head coach Jim Schwartz looked at Detroit’s 2010 regular season schedule yesterday and saw four long months of frustration.

The Detroit Lions will be celebrating their 80th year in the league with a new logo they say will go well with their new on-the-field playing strategy of finding fresh and innovating ways of sucking.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

TOP 10 MOST SCANDALOUS SPORTS SCANDALS

(June 23, 2010) --- You think you have problems? Well, in an effort to make your life seem a bit more normal, the PackerPage has compiled a list of the worst scandals in sports history. It wasn’t easy picking just ten shameful moments. For instance, in 2006 alone, it was so bad for the Cincinnati Bengals that after a dozen players were arrested that year the team was almost forced by the NFL to change their name to the Cowboys. And let’s just say that if the NFL built a Hall-of-Shame in Canton, Pacman Jones would have his own wing. But as you know sports scandals are not limited to the football field. From baseball players with corked bats to pro fighters with an appetite for raw ear, there's enough scandalous behaviour out there to taint any sport.  Yes... even in a Green Bay Packers approved family activity such as Bear punting.

So, for your reading pleasure (and to further disgrace the guilty), here is the PackerPage list of the top-10 most outrageous scandals in sports history as voted on by you. And remember... it’s all true. All of it. Really!

1. Vikings Sex Boat Scandal (2005): It was an incident in which several Minnesota Vikings players held a cruise boat party on Lake Minnetonka that allegedly involved nudity, visible sexual activity, public drunkenness and a goat named “Olga.” According to police reports, crew members complained about various bits of individual acts, so perverted, that decorum prohibits us listing them here. Several Vikings players were later hit with numerous serious charges such as sexual assault, public drunkenness, and impersonating a professional football team on the playing field.

Here’s a nice picture of Vikings QB Daunte Culpepper with a budget stripper from Duluth. Although he claimed to be completely innocent of all the shenanigans during the team's infamous Sex Boat Cruise, Culpepper was not able to explain to reporters the huge wad of one-dollar bills still sticking out of his front pants pocket.

2. Chicago Black Sox (1919): Forget about throwing baseball games. Chicago White Sox player “Shoeless” Joe Jackson was actually shamed after he shed his cleats in game five of the 1919 World Series. Fans were mortified, and Joe was eventually banished from baseball, after everyone discovered Joe had a crapload of those ugly yellow Dermatophytes living under his big toe. Yikes!

3. O.J. in the Can (2008): Former Buffalo Bills Hall-of-Fame running back O.J. Simpson, who was best known for his horribly bad acting, was somehow acquitted of murder charges in the 1994 deaths of his wife Nicole and her friend Ronald Goldman. But to the delight of many, O.J. finally got his day in court 14-years later when he was sentenced to several years in prison for armed robbery in Vegas and then immediately named a candidate for the “Heistman Trophy.” After hearing the news, the Hertz company renewed O.J.'s contract... only now he'll be making license plates for them.

"We're just glad it's over. This man dragged our nickname through the mud for thirteen long years. Now we can finally look forward to being squeezed and consumed without fear," said a ripe, juicy orange.

4. Tonya Harding vs. Nancy Kerrigan (1994): When your competitor is better than you are and you want the gold medal at the US Figure Skating Championships, what’s a girl to do? Hit-man, lead-pipe, sex-tape, pretty Olympic skaters in short skirts... let’s just say that Tonya provided more trailer park-type scandal than a Jerry Springer “Best-of DVD.”

5. Michael Vick Lands in the Dog House (2007): Atlanta Falcons QB Michael Vick found himself in the hot-seat for financing a dog-fighting ring and later pled guilty to being a “bad boy, bad boy!” in a federal dog-fighting charge. As they say, every dog has its day as Vick received a fine, four-years of obedience school, ordered to wear a GPS collar with leash, and was sentenced to over a year in the pound with dinner each evening consisting of only Kibbles ‘n Bits. (Not the bacon ones but those regular bland-tasting bits.)
 
Bob Barker says, "Help control the Vick population.  Have your QB spayed or neutered."

6. Basketball’s Beer Frame (2004): During a Pistons-Pacers game in Detroit, Ron Artest completely lost it when a Pistons fan dumped a cold beer on top of his head after which a hockey game immediately broke out. Although Artest was suspended for the rest of the season because of the melee, fans later discovered Ron was riled simply because he prefers to be doused with Miller High Life instead of that watered-down Bud Light crap.

7. Pete Rose Banned from Baseball? You Bet! (1989): With a career that includes rookie of the year, three World Series rings and numerous batting records, baseball legend Pete Rose still isn’t in the Hall-of-Fame.  But not too many people know that it’s not because of his gambling problem. Rose was actually banned from baseball because he’s a self-serving, egotistical, vain, tax cheat. But his real crime was sporting such a criminally bad haircut.

Pete Rose... banned for life from Baseball and SuperCuts.

8. Tiger Woods’ Thanksgiving Crash (2009): After discovering that her husband was having an affair, Elin Nordegren came after pro golfer Tiger Woods with a 5-iron in their Orlando driveway causing him to crash his SUV into a tree proving to golf fans once and for all he’s a better putter than driver.

9. A Little (Out of His) League World Series (2001): Cute left-handed pitcher Danny Almonte had everyone thinking he was an amazing 12-year-old pitcher who gained fame as the player to throw the first perfect game in Little League history since 1957. It was only after everyone wondered why he was the only teammate with a driver’s license when it was discovered he was instead a 32-year old Dominican Republic-born beer-guzzling, snuff-chewing, belly-itcher from the Bronx with a wife and three kids.

10. Olympic Swimmer Takes Home Acapulco Gold (2009): Michael Phelps was caught on camera enjoying a pre-dinner bong hit... apparently just trying to keep his caloric intake up. Although Phelps lost several commercial endorsements because of the bad exposure his face still continued to appear on boxes of Weedies breakfast cereal.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

PACKER BACKER CARTOONIST NEEDS HELP DRAWING VOTES

(June 19, 2010) --- Packer Backers... we need your help!

Dave Mitchell is a dedicated Packer fan who lives in Orlando, Florida and a long time member of the Central Florida Packer Backer club. He’s also a very talented cartoonist! In fact, he has drawn dozens and dozens of entertaining cartoons for the PackerPage over the years.

Dave has Homer's vote!

We’re proud to say Dave is a Top-10 finalist in the “Great American Cartoonist” contest which is sponsored by the Washington Post and it would be so awesome to see him get a nationally run cartoon strip! And you can help make that happen!

Please take a couple of minutes to show your Packer Backer support and vote for Dave Mitchell on the Post’s website. We’ll even make it easy for you! Let us take you there... simply click here!


Remember, a vote for Dave is like a vote for the Green Bay Packers! Vote early and vote often!

Here are a couple of the many strips Packer Dave has created for the PackerPage over the years. Now if you don’t vote for Dave he may be forced to take that job offer at that FIB rag, the Chicago Tribune. You wouldn’t want that on you conscience... now would you?

Friday, June 18, 2010

GOODELL PUBLICLY ADMITS: "I WISH IT WERE LONGER"

(June 17, 2010) --- Are you ready for some more football?

During the “corporate greed” portion of their meeting in New York last Wednesday, NFL and union officials seriously discussed the possibility of extending the regular-season from 16 games to a total of 18. If this were to happen the preseason would be condensed to just two games thus acutely reducing your chances of getting a ticket to Lambeau Field to see the Packers “play” from your only season ticket holder connection and least favorite relative, Uncle Romy.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said just about all team owners are on board for an expansion, except for the Detroit Lions who say they are currently content with the possibility of losing just 16 games per season rather than that of 18.

Before and after photos: The NFL schedule now, and what the NFL schedule would look like after the proposed lengthening. What do you think, ladies?

The 18 game regular season is far from a done-deal. Goodell said he must first check with Brett Favre to see if it’s okay with him. But even with Favre’s approval, Goodell said he would still need assurances that all team mascots would be available for those two extra games.

Incidentally, the Happy Schnapps Combo said if the season were to be lengthened to a total of 18 regular season match-ups next year, the power pop polka group said they would be forced to add an additional “really” to the chorus of their 1992 iconic classic hit single, “The Bears Still Suck Polka.”

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Sunday, June 13, 2010

PACKERPAGE EDITORIAL: IS HOCKEY OVER OR JUST STARTING?

(June 12, 2010) --- Okay... I didn’t see the game but I heard the Chicago Blackhawks beat the Philadelphia Flyers 4-3 to win the Stanley Cup Wednesday by scoring a “secret goal” with 4:06 into overtime or extra-innings or whatever. They say the victory ended 49-years of title-less frustration for hockey fans in the Winless... I’m sorry... Windy City.

So, does the Blackhawks’ championship victory mean there is hope for fans of loser teams like the Chicago Bears and the Chicago Cubs?

In a word... no.

No hope.

Sorry... none.

Here's a nice picture of Chicago Blackhawks right wing Marian Hossa hoisting a half-barrel of Miller Lite in celebration of the end of the season. That's one thing good thing about hockey, the beer is always cold.

We’re only mentioning the Stanley Cup story here because Wisconsin doesn’t have a professional hockey team and we Packers fans kinda, sorta like the Blackhawks because they have cool jerseys. But it still doesn’t make-up for the fact that the team is based in Chicago.

Okay, I’ll admit that I don’t know much about the sport, but I’ve accidentally watched a few minutes of it on ESPN over the years to know that they should change just a little bit of the game to make hockey a lot more appealing.

First of all, no one likes to be cold. Get rid of the ice and put the game on grass in summer and make sure it’s over and done before football begins. If for some reason the season looks as though it will linger into September... too bad. Hockey’s over. Just give Stanley’s cup to the team with the most teeth missing or something.

Let's see... mouth guard, hockey gloves, hockey pants, athletic supporter, garter... whaaa?  Um.  You go girl!

And since you’ll be playing on a field of sod, the only blades you’ll need is on the lawnmower you’ll be using to cut the grass. A while you’re at it, nix the sticks. This ain’t golf.

For God’s sake, shorten the season! I swear they’re playing hockey during baseball season. They’re playing hockey during football season. They’re playing hockey during basketball season. Trim that sucker down from 11-months to only four. What’s the Stanley Cup? Well, everyone knows it’s the trophy awarded to the championship team just prior to opening of training camp.

This just in... a Chicago Bears fan was seriously injured while ice fishing.

Make the puck bigger so you can see it. In fact, get rid of that tiny piece of rubber altogether and substitute it with a ball of some kind. Everyone knows that a sport ain’t a sport unless it has a ball you can kick, throw or run with.

The scoring system has to be revamped as well. Americans like high scoring games... that’s why soccer hasn’t caught on in the good old U.S. of A. Instead of one-point, make a goal count as 6 or 7-points. You have to admit that prevailing by a score of 14-7 sounds a hell of a lot better than trying to brag about a wimpy win of 2-1.

Finally, get rid of that giant-trophy-that-looks-like-an-old-milk-can-with-a-punch-bowl-on-top. It looks like something I welded together at the last minute just to get a passing grade in high school shop class. And who’s this Stanley dude? Unless his last name is Lombardi, I’d change that too.

Well, there you go. Just a few minor tweaks and you got yourself a real game!

By-the-way... 91-days until Green Bay Packers football season! Oh... and since this is a hockey editorial, you know I can’t end it without adding, “puck duh-Bears.”

There. That's my two-cents. Go Pack.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

PACKERS ANNOUNCE TOP BABY NAMES OF 2010

(June 8, 2010) --- The Green Bay Packers released their annual list of approved baby names yesterday, a list many Packer Backer parents around the country look to when it comes time to christen their newborns.

The list, which has been generated by the Packers organization since the team won their first Super Bowl trophy in 1967, has long become a helpful guide for Packer Backer mommies and daddies everywhere.

Got a brat in the oven? Well, here's the just released list of the Green Bay Packer approved baby names for the 2010 football season. Give our best to little LeRoy Hinkle!

“It's true what they say,” said Sherry Schuldes, manager of family programs for the Packers organization. “‘In Wisconsin you don't become a Packers fan, you're born a Packers fan’.”

Approximately 70,000 Packer fans are born in the state of Wisconsin each year and a good chunk of them carry names that were inspired by Packer players from the past and the present.

The majority of suggested monikers on the list are tied to Packer Hall of Famers such as Reggie White, Vince Lombardi and Tony Canadeo. "Names are added and subtracted from the list once every year," said Schuldes. "'Brett' for instance, which was on the top of the list for more than 15-years, was dropped like a hot potato in 2008."

Here's a nice snapshot of little Taylor Ray and her mother who picked out her baby's name by using the handy "Packer Backer Baby Naming Chart." Her mother has just reported that her child is very smart and is already learning to speak. In fact she reported that her baby's first three words were "mama," "papa" and "Bears suck!" Now that's what we call Mensa material!

Aside from suggesting names, the Packers organization also assists parents with a variety of other helpful tips in regards to raising your brand new Green Bay boy or girl. For instance:

-Once the kid is officially christened, the very next thing Packer parents should do as-soon-as-possible is get that toddler's name on Green Bay's Lambeau Field season-ticket waiting list. The sooner you sign-up your baby, the better the chances of getting the child's great-great-great grandchildren permanent seats on those highly sought after metal bleachers. Incidentally, insiders tell the PackerPage that having a name such as "Max" or "Johnny Blood" will actually move you up their light-years-long waiting list.

-Stock up on those hard-to-find tiny jars of Johnsonville strained bratwurst. Strained sauerkraut and strained hot dog buns are also great toddler tailgate treats. Remember, there's nothing like a little brat for a little brat.

-Don't forget to purchase plenty of those disposable diapers with the Minnesota Vikings logo inside. As a parent you'll love seeing the satisfied face of your little Packer papoose at the exact moment he leaves a little gift for that team he'll soon love to hate.

-Never get a Titletown tot a cute and cuddly stuffed Bear. First of all, there's nothing cute and cuddly about the Bears. And besides, you don't want to traumatize the poor kid. Also, keep in mind that Wisconsin state law considers outfitting an infant in a Chicago Bears jersey or t-shirt as a blatant case of child-abuse.

-Other suggested gifts for the newborn Badger boy or girl include a miniature Lombardi fedora, a Lambeau Field stock certificate bib, a Colby cheese flavored nook or even one of those 12-tiered Green Bay Packers NFL Championship mobiles to hang above the crib.

-Finally, remember that “Green and Gold” is the new “Pink and Blue.” And that it’s never too early to buy a toddler its first cheese hat.

In related news, Packers head coach Mike McCarthy recently stopped into Green Bay’s WalMart just seconds before it closed to pick-up an outfit for his 20-month old daughter. But instead of playing it safe and picking up a onesie, McCarthy shocked everyone by calling an audible and going for a twosie instead.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

MARV ALBERT SAYS "NOOOO!"

(June 5, 2010) --- After eight seasons broadcasting Monday Night Football and the Super Bowl for the Westwood One Radio Network, veteran sportscaster Marv Albert has decided to step down. Citing a desire to cut back his schedule, 68-year old Albert said in a statement that he no longer will be the radio voice for the NFL and will be looking forward to sinking his teeth into something else.

As the voice of the New York Knicks for over 30-years, Albert was known for his popular on-air play-by-play catch-phrases such as “Yesssss!,” “Boom-sha-ka-la-ka!" and “Their defense is tighter than that narrow strip of silk fabric up between my buttocks!”

Although Marv has officially signed-off of the NFL airwaves, Albert’s toupee agreed to stay on with the network for another two-years.

“Now I’ll finally have time to open up that Victoria Secret franchise I’ve always dreamed of.”

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

VIKINGS-SAINTS: TWIT FOR TAT

(June 2, 2010) --- The NFL season may be three-months away but the trash-talk is already underway.

New Orleans Saints safety Darren Sharper used his Twitter account to throw a jab at Brett Favre and a couple of his former Minnesota teammates. Shortly after the first shot was fired, Vikings tackle Bryant McKinnie and tight end Visanthe Shiancoe joined in the virtual fistacuffs. Apparently there's still some bad-blood between those sore-loser Vikings and Super Bowl champs the Saints. The Twitter tiff began earlier this week after 40-year old Favre announced he was having ankle surgery. On his ankle.

The PackerPage managed to obtain the entire never before seen Twitter conversation between the three NFL veterans and for the first time it is published here.

Cast of (fewer than 140) Characters.

@sharper42: (Referring to Favre's ankle) "X marks the spot"


@VShiancoe: "Sharper had surgery, too. And it was the knee. So if ‘X’ marks the spot on brett, I wonder what would mark the spot on sharper?"


@sharper42: "So visanthe stankoe X marks the spot on me, how bout X marks the spot for how many catches and TDs you’ll have come Thursday night. X (equals) zero"


@bigmacvikings: "Man u don’t want these preoblems. (The Vikings offensive line is) the secret service and Brett is Obama, so try to get thru if u want."


@sharper42: "haha. actually your line is the ford theater and favre is Lincoln. We'll watch part of your play & then were gonna put your leader down"


@bigmacvikings: "That's just plain dum. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth."


@VShiancoe: "Yeah! What bigmac said! And darren why don't you slip into something more comfortable... like a coma."


@sharper42: "You know, I just heard you got a brain transplant... and the brain rejected you!"


@VShiancoe: "oh darren, BTW, all day I thought of you."


@sharper42: "Aww. Really? That was sweet!"


@VShiancoe: "Yeah... i was at the ZOO! lol"


@sharper42: "DOH!!! Why, if ugly were a crime, you'd get a life sentence!"


@VShiancoe: "Well I heard that u went to a haunted house last Halloween & they offered you a job."


@sharper42: "You know, i thought YOU were ugly ... but then i met your mama. YIKES!"


@VShiancoe: "hardee-har-har. well yo mama's so dumb she stared at the orange juice bottle cuz it said concentrate"


@sharper42: "Oh yeah?! Yo momas so dumb she stopped at a stop sign & waited for it to say go!"


@VShiancoe: "Sharper, youre moma's so stupid she got locked up in a super market and starved!"


@sharper42: "stinkoe, yo mama is so fat that her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard!"


@VShiancoe: "yo Mama so fat she went into a zoo & the zookeeper thought another elephant escaped!"


@sharper42: "well yo mama's so fat when she ordered a water bed they layed a blanket on the pacific ocean!"


@VShiancoe: "Ha!! Yo mama is so fat, she's taller sideways!"


Brief pause.


@sharper42: "Hey man. I gotta go. My fat mama's calling me. H&K"


@VShiancoe: "Yeah, i gotta go too. B-sides, 'secret life of an american teenager' is on soon. xoxo. see ya later."


20 minutes pass.


@sharper42: "NOT IF I SEE YOU FIRST!!!"


The next morning.


@3Xmvp4favre: "hey guys! I just twatted! I,ll show you. Pants on the ground, pants on the ground!!! OK, someone, pull my finger!"

Some say it was extremely wrong of Visanthe Shiancoe to post this picture on his Twitter account and compare Darren Sharper to Osama bin Laden. We agree wholeheartedly. Osama is a much stronger link on defense in the secondary.