Thursday, May 27, 2010

SUPER BOWL TO BE PLAYED IN JERSEY

(May 27, 2010) --- Commissioner Roger Goodell and the NFL finally realized that the Super Bowl was meant to be played at a "neutral" site, not "neutered" as it has in the past when only fair-weather or domed locations were considered.

Goodell: "And for those of you who think it's going to be too cold, well you and your testicles can spend Super Sunday shopping for pillow shams at the mall with your wife."

The league announced this week that the Meadowlands Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey will be the site for Super Bowl XLVIII in February of 2014, a little less than two-years after the end of the world. It will be the first NFL Championship game held in the New York area since 1962 when Green Bay punter Don Chandler froze his left football off as the Packers beat the New York Giants 16-7 in sub-freezing weather at Yankee Stadium.

This will also be the first cold weather Super Bowl to be played in an open-air stadium and some football fans say they want to attend the game just to watch the snobby rich and famous Hollywood-types freeze their higher-than-mighty asses off. Because the majority of overpriced Super Bowl tickets usually find their way to the well-to-do, most of the posers are expected to disappear faster than Jimmy Hoffa did in 1975. In fact, Vegas already has odds on how long the likes of Eva Longoria, Spike Lee and Sarah Jessica Parker will stay in their stadium seats before they high-tail their frozen heines out of there. (So far the odds-on favorite celeb to stay in his seat the longest at Super Bowl XLVIII is Leonardo DiCaprio [2:1] simply because everyone knows he used to ice fish on Lake Wissota in Chippewa Falls.)

“An open-air football game in the dead of winter is why God invented peppermint schnapps.”

Five other cities placed bids but lost their chance to host the big game in 2014; Minneapolis (because they won't have a place to play), Green Bay (not enough strip joints), Tampa Bay (too many strip joints), Pittsburgh (afraid stadium will probably still smell of Roethlisberger) and Miami (because Chris Berman doesn't look all that good in a thong t-back).  Despite naysayers, a Journal Sentinal sports writer said he wants the 50th NFL Championship played in Super Bowl Heaven at Lambeau Field even though some predict the cold would make it Super Bowl L.

But not everyone’s happy about the NY location. The Empire State Better Business Bureau has already received dozens of complaints and has just today issued a “Bait and Switch” warning to anyone who plans on buying a ticket to Super Bowl XLVIII; “Remember, you’ll be buying New York, but you’ll be getting New Jersey. This may be America’s biggest game but Jersey is still Jersey. It's like putting lipstick on a pig. Buyer, beware!”

New York City is already making big plans on organizing several fan-friendly Super Bowl tributes throughout the city in early 2014. For instance, the Statue of Liberty will be outfitted in a giant overcoat and fedora as a tribute to Vince Lombardi, Manhattan hookers will be offering special $7 “Through the Uprights” specials, and to spur excitement in the week leading up to the game the league plans to distribute Brett Favre jerseys to all the homeless bums in the streets of the Big Apple.

Would you go to a cold weather Super Bowl? Saints fanatic Marty Graw said he wasn't quite sure if he would attend the game even if his team made it that far in 2014. "I dunno. What's that 1,355 day weather forecast look like?"

Friday, May 21, 2010

VIKINGS FRANCHISE TO MOVE FROM LAND OF 10,000 LAKES TO LAND OF 10,000 FLAKES

(May 21, 2010) --- The Vikings are heading south to become the third NFL franchise in the Lone Star State.

The Minnesota Vikings have had big problems over the past several months trying to secure a deal with the state to help finance a new stadium to replace the antiquated Mall of America Field-Hubert H. Humphrey MetroDump.

Here's a nice picture from last season of the grounds crew putting the finishing touches on the football field at the Mall of America's HHH Metrodome just minutes before the kick-off of the Ravens-Vikings game.

Just recently the Governor and the state legislature failed to push the new stadium issue through while Vikings owner Zygi Wilf steadfastly refuses to extend his lease with the structure where the team has continually floundered since 1982. There have been rumors over the years that the Vikings would go the way of NBA's Lakers and relocate to Los Angeles. But L.A.'s credit rating is in the dumper, the county is broke and no one who lives there will want to pay extra taxes for something that God-awful purple!

Instead the Vikings are packing their duffle bags and leaving the Land of Four Lost Super Bowls for a new home.

Yesterday Wilf surprised everyone in the NFL by announcing that in 2011 his team will be moving south to the northern Texas city of Dumas.

Many Packers fans have a feeling the Vikings will feel right at home.

Wilf admitted that he considered other options with other cities around the country but said Texans love football and confessed that the Dumas city council came up with the most attractive offer. The Dumas city fathers guaranteed to build the Vikings a Dumas Stadium with the help of an 8% Dumas sales tax that Dumas consumers say they will gladly pay.

The Dumas citizens of Moore County, known fondly by neighboring communities as Dumasses, say they have always felt a connection with that horny bearded purple team up North. Although many Dumasses say they used to blindly follow the Dallas Cowboys, they feel that they better identify with that team from Minnesota. Said Stewart Pidd, the Dumas city mayor, "The Vikings are about as Dumas as you can get!"

According to the 2000 census, there were officially 13,747 Dumasses in Texas which would put the Vikings in the NFL’s smallest market. But Wilf told the PackerPage he isn’t worried. “I know for a fact that there are more Dumas football fans in the state of Texas than you think.”

Dumas residents say this is the place to go if you ever have any Dumas questions.

In related news, the Wisconsin Department of Transportation has plans to erect a giant sign that will greet all motorists entering the state from the south along I-94 just outside Pleasant Prairie... “DON’T ILLINOIS ME!”

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

GREG JENNINGS: TITLETOWN TO TINSELTOWN?

(May 18, 2010) --- Will Green Bay’s Greg Jennings go from Packer to actor? Hollywood insiders say the veteran wide receiver has been bitten badly by the acting bug.

Jennings made his network acting debut earlier this month as a lab technician on the CBS crime drama "Criminal Minds." He played his brief role so convincingly that several producers have sent Greg's agent a few television and movie script ideas in the hopes of luring the wide receiver off of the football field to instead in front of the cameras.

Over the past two weeks Jennings considered, but eventually turned down, the opportunity to portray Mama Malone, the oversized female prison warden in Tyler Perry's "Big Mama's Big House." Jennings also said "no" to becoming the main character on NBC's new "Will & Greg" an updated sitcom revolving around the wacky adventures of Greg Demmings, a straight Jewish man who runs his own interior design company and his best friend Will, a gay man and NFL agent and the hilarity that ensues. But after careful consideration Jennings signed-on with CBS and their "CSI" franchise in a new series to be aptly titled "CSI: Green Bay."

Jack “Bones” Friday: “He’s a Bears fan, he’s from Chicago, he’s a FIB and he’s in a body bag. Sometimes mysteries are best left unsolved.”

"CSI: Green Bay" follows the forensics team headed by Jennings' character Jack “Bones” Friday, the head of the Brown County Sheriff department's crime lab. Because of Green Bay's small population and low crime rate, writers had to adjust their CSI formula a bit to fit the city. For instance, in the opening sequence of the premiere episode, Jack and his detectives are called out to dissect a suspicious looking bratwurst found outside Curly's Pub at Lambeau Field to determine if it is a dangerous explosive device planted by Middle-Eastern football-hating terrorists or a tasty pre-game tailgate sausage produced by Johnsonville.

Another episode set to air in November is said to be topical in nature and deals with real-life issues people in the Dairyland struggle with each autumn. The drama is said to be centered around the days leading up to Thanksgiving in Wisconsin where the "CSI: Green Bay" forensic unit is busy performing autopsies on blaze orange-dressed white deer hunters and a number of dressed four-legged white-tailed hunted deer. Jennings’ character holds a press conference which divides Cheeseheads when he releases his scientific findings that claim "Deer hunting is dangerous to both overweight men who are smokers as well as non-smoking deer."

Jennings, who said he learned to act by watching Brett Favre's tearful press conferences, told the PackerPage he was most attracted to the show's production schedule and location because he would still be able to keep his weekend job scoring touchdowns for the Packers as the series would be filmed on-location in and around Green Bay.

Jennings also said Green Bay head coach Mike McCarthy seemed to be okay with Greg's second gig as an actor. In fact, McCarthy gave the go-ahead for Greg to promote the TV drama by wearing his white "CSI: Green Bay" lab-coat while sitting on the sidelines during all home games this season. Also, everyone attending the Packers' regular-season home opener against the Bills at Lambeau this September with get a complimentary replica Johnsonville "CSI: Green Bay" bratwurst time-bomb. (Batteries, gun-powder and sauerkraut not included.)

Friday, May 14, 2010

JEWEL TO MOLLIFY AT INDY 500

(May 14, 2010) --- Officials at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway recently announced that singer-songwriter Jewel is slated to perform on May 30th as part of this year's Indianapolis 500.

Jewel is known for such soft-pop songs as "Who Will Save Your Soul," "You Were Meant for Me," "You Were Meant to Save My Soul," "Hands," "Ears (Can You Hear Me Back There)" and "My Barely Audible Love Song."

Gentlemen, start your engines!

Because of her tranquil, sedate and soothing angelic voice, race officials had to make a few changes for this year's event to accommodate the award-winning performer. Indianapolis 500 president Jeff Belskus said that noise was never a problem before as previous acts have included Aerosmith, Kid Rock and Better Than Ezra. Belskus explained, "In order for anyone to hear Jewel's delicate singing during her concert and especially when she performs the National Anthem just before the waving of the green flag, all cars participating in this year's race must be customized with special mufflers to illuminate engine noise.

"Hey, it's not easy being pretty... or putting on make-up while turning corners at 200-miles per hour."

Not all race teams were especially thrilled with having to add modified internal combustion silencers to their engines but a few looked at it as an opportunity. Race participant Danica Patrick said, "When my car-fixers hitched-up that big metal thingy that hushes-up all that noise my motor makes when it's going, my manager slapped a big ol’ "Go Daddy!" sticker on it and made me a bunch more money! Yeay money!"

Incidentally, the Indianapolis race committee also disclosed that they are trying to secure legendary actor Jack Nicholson to wave the green flag this year and to start the race with that iconic phrase... "Heeeeere's Johnny!"

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

THE RAY LEWIS ROAD TO PERDITION

(May 12, 2010) --- Yesterday, the city of Baltimore showed veteran Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis the road.

Lewis (who was once sentenced to one year of probation and fined $250,000 by the NFL for his alleged involvement in the stabbing death of two men at a party following the Ravens Super Bowl victory in January of 2000) was honored by the city with his own street.

Here’s a nice photo of the staging area just off of the new Ray Lewis Way where they held the special yellow ribbon-cutting ceremony.

In a ribbon-cutting ceremony, minus the scissors, North Avenue (not all that far from a nicer part of town) was officially renamed Ray Lewis Way. It was quite the ceremony as usually this kind of honor is bestowed after someone dies.

Oh... wait.

For those interested in checking out the new Ray Lewis Way, roll up your windows, lock your doors, for heaven's sake don’t stop and follow these simple directions: Go straight past Marlo Stanfield Street, hang a left on Avon Barksdale Avenue, take a sharp turn for a short cut through a dark alley and keep driving until you reach the dead-end.

Even though some Bengals fans think this is in poor taste, there are many who feel Ray Anthony Lewis is a football god and is deserving of this honor... and if you don't agree, he and his boys will stab you.

In related news, the city of Green Bay recently removed the letter “P” from all of their Brett Favre Pass street signs.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

BREAKING NEWS: FAVRE POSITIVELY UNDECIDED

(May 11, 2010) --- Veteran NFL waffler Brett Favre confirmed through his agent that he is still uncertain whether he'll hold a press conference to announce that he still hasn't yet decided to return to play football this season.

Here’s a nice picture of Brett Favre at the moment he announced his retirement from the Minnesota Vikings during the 4th quarter of last season’s NFC Championship game.

Instead of consulting physicians when he injured his ankle way back last January, Brett delighted Vikings head coach Brad Childress by waiting until well after the NFL Draft before making any kind of decision regarding having his leg checked out by doctors. You might remember it was last season when Brett was diagnosed with "mini-campitis" which kept the QB away from the Vikings practice field up until the regular season began. Said Childress, "Brett can make his decision on his own time frame. But it certainly won't happen until I get all of his cars washed and waxed, his lawn re-sodded and finish painting and decorating Breleigh's bedroom in a 'Twilight' styled decor."

When asked what he thought about Favre's current state-of-mind regarding the Vikings, Green Bay Packers general manager Ted Thompson was quoted as saying, "Maahh-haa-ha-ha-ha... haaa-ha-ha-ha... haa-ha-ha... ha-ha ahh-ha, hmmm. Um... no comment."

In related news, the Cincinnati Bengals officially announced the signings of troubled free-agent convictback Adam "Pacman" Jones. The signing was immediately followed with a stern warning to Jones from the NFL announcing that they will strictly enforce their rigorous policy of “13 strikes and you're out.”

Meet Adam “Pacman” Jones, the Bengals latest addition. What, Rae Carruth wasn’t available?

Friday, May 7, 2010

SO, YOU WANNA BE A FIELD-JUMPER

(May 6, 2010) --- Last Monday a 17-year old Phillies fan was tased by stadium security after he ran out onto the playing field during the Arizona at Philadelphia Major League Baseball game at Citizens Bank Park.

(Cue the Benny Hill theme music.) Late in the game, just as the Cardinals were preparing to bat, 40-thousand fans watched as a skinny, pimple-faced kid in a red Phillies National League Championship t-shirt jumped the railing and started running around the outfield waving a white towel while trying to elude the coppers. After several seconds of looping around the field one of the officers took him down, face-first, with a single taser shot to the back. The menace to society was hauled away and eventually charged with defiant trespass, disorderly conduct, resisting arrest and delay of the 7th inning stretch.

Hey, the punk may be a bit misguided, but he’s our hero.

Life's tough. It's even tougher when you're stupid.  (By-the-way, 10-bucks says the security guard has this pic blown up and framed in his office.)

So, if you're thinking of taking up “Field Jumping” as your new athletic pastime and grabbing your own 15-seconds of fame, the PackerPage is here to help! Here we present ten suggestions that will maximize your media exposure for that special day when you take off running. See you on YouTube!
10 Tips on Getting the Most Out of Your Field-Jumping Experience

- Before you jump onto the field, tuck one of your upper limbs inside your shirt and extend a prosthetic arm outside the empty sleeve. Then listen for the collective gasp from spectators when security tries to grab you.

- If you're a Packers fan, be sure to slip on a Brett Favre jersey just before you make a fool out of yourself. It's called "guilt-by-association."

- When tased, be overly dramatic. Bogus blood, a mouthful of pea-soup and fake convulsions will make you an instant internet sensation!

- If it's a baseball game, take bets on how many bases you can touch (football, total yardage) before you're captured. This way, if you're fast, you'll make enough money to cover the cost of bailing yourself out of jail.

- Wear a cape and tights. No real reason, it just sounds cool.

- Just about everyone has jumped aboard the social networking bandwagon so why not Twitter while you’re being chased. That way more than just the ten’s-of-thousands of people in the stadium will know what a dumb-ass you really are.

- Pull a crap-load of $20 bills out of you pocket and toss them behind you while you're being chased by stadium security as it just may slow down those underpaid Barney Fife's thus giving you a lot more air-time. It will also help divert attention as greedy fans jump onto the field to grab some of that loot. And hey... no one said they had to be real $20 bills!

- Unless you're Hugh Jackman, do not run onto the field naked. People do not want to see any of that. Besides, remember... you just might be tased, bro. Always protect the jewels.

- If you want a bit of sympathy from the public after being cuffed and hauled away, be sure you’re wearing a t-shirt with a message that everyone can get behind like "Adopt Sheltered Cats & Dogs," "Save Lives, Give Blood" or "The Bears Still Suck."

- Grease yourself up from head-to-toe. Not only will lubing-up make you more difficult to catch but it'll make your post-arrest cavity-search a lot less painful.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

SPLASH OF THE TITANS

(May 4, 2010) --- Recent heavy rainfall in the Nashville area has flooded the Tennessee Titans' stadium leaving LP Field under six-feet of water. Although mini-camps have gone on as scheduled, head coach Jeff Fisher has stringently instructed his players to stay out of the deep-end unless a lifeguard is on duty.

There was so much rain the stadium parking lots were completely submerged, at least 6-inches of water saturated the team's locker room, and Vince Young was spotted taking snaps with his Blue, Red and Silver colored water-wings.

What was once the Titans' end zone is now the Titans' no wake zone.

According to Titans owner Bud Adams, the flooding is simply the result of the ultimate clash for power that has pitted men against kings, and kings against gods. Before he was carried away wearing a pair of 3-D glasses Adams flipped everyone off and then declared, "We are in the middle of a dangerous mission to defeat Hades before he can seize power from Liam Neeson and unleash hell on the NFL with that evil Cowboys mascot Kraken!"

In related news, Titans vendors announced that they will not be raising the price of the watered-down beer that's sold at LP Field this season... instead they’ll just be adding a tad bit more water.

Monday, May 3, 2010