Tuesday, April 27, 2010

PACKERPAGE PENAL POST

(April 27, 2010) --- Former Pittsburgh Steelers, Bears, Browns, Lions quarterback and Packers clipboard-holder Mike Tomczak was arrested Monday and charged with two counts of simple assault on his wife.

According to Bell Acres police chief Brian Brown, “Mike lunged at his wife, grabbed her and stepped on her foot."

Although he was arraigned by a judge and released on his own recognizance, Ed Hochuli still flagged Tomczak 15-yards for unnecessary roughness.

Since we wouldn’t want to purposely subject you to a picture of someone who used to wear a Bears jersey, we instead present a nice photo of polka king Mike Tomczak (with partner Sigmund Jozwiak) which was taken just moments before their performance of the “Hokey Pokey” at the 1964 Cigielski wedding.

Friday, April 23, 2010

MEET BULAGA, THE PACKERS FIRST-ROUND DRAFT PICK

(April 23, 2010) --- “And with the 23rd pick in first round of the NFL Draft, the Green Bay Packers select... Bryan Bulaga!”

Aside from being big and knowing all about tackle... who is this guy?  Well, the PackerPage did a little digging and present to you this brief bio of the newest member of the Green Bay Packers 2010 roster.

Here's a nice picture of the Packers' first-round draft pick relaxing at home in his pool.  Bulaga said that despite what most people assume, he is not a fan of the Miami Dolphins.
Bryan Bulaga was born in 1989 off of coastal Greece and raised in the temperate waters of Scandinavia while spending winters with his family near the coasts of Patagonia. While just a baby, his parents tagged him with the nickname “Piddlins.”

What initially interested Packers’ general manager Ted Thompson was Bulaga’s large forehead, a sign of high intelligence. In fact Bulaga’s I.Q. came in at 155, a level that would be considered near genius in most humans. Apparently, it must run in the family as Bryan’s uncle, Minsky Bulaga, beat Russian chess master Boris Spasky in a highly publicized chess match in 1979. And, Bryan’s father once helped with anti-mining operations in Arctic waters while working with the United States Navy.

When Bulaga was in a school, his friends said he was highly sociable and today he’s even known to Twitter at times... as well as Squeal, Cluck and Whistle.

Bryan told the PackerPage that his hobbies include swimming and says he is also very fond of dining on seafood. Bulaga stated, “My favorite meals include tuna, crab, shrimp, octopus and... (whispers) an occasional seal. Shhh!”

Bulaga admitted he was happy to be netted by the Packers having bought into the storied franchise “hook, line and sinker” long, long ago.
The Packers, who have yet to come even close to catching their limit, will be busy fishing for more talent when the 2010 NFL Draft continues this weekend.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

PACKERS OBJECT TO 2010 NFL SCHEDULE

(April 21, 2010) --- Green Bay head coach Mike McCarthy had some words of advice for the people who came up with the just released 2010 NFL schedule... “Do it over!”

“I would hope they would call me up tonight to let me know they hit the reset button,” McCarthy told reporters.

The Green Bay Packers 2010 schedule.  Where are the Rams?

But the Packers’ coach said early reports of how NFL commissioner Roger Goodell will respond left little hope for a do-over. "It appears the commissioner is going to double down tonight, put lipstick on this pig, and call it something else."

Because the Saints won the last Super Bowl, the AFC has a slight majority rule over the NFC in the league which means that any suggestions or objections the NFC may have over scheduling games would easily be overruled or ignored by the AFC.

Goodell said he was hoping the NFL could find the long-sought bipartisan agreement on a 2010 schedule that focuses on travel, time-off and pre-existing weather conditions.

McCarthy, along with running back coach Edgar Bennett, said that the league should scrap the schedule they just released and begin anew... not with just 32 big, comprehensive schedules, but rather through a series of simpler schedules that would address, what they call, “obvious concerns.”

McCarthy explained, “For instance, why waist all that time travelling to a half-empty Detroit stadium when you know we’re going to win that game anyway? Instead just give us an extra bye-week or two. Think of all the money the Packers and the league will save on gas and lodging!”

Coach McCarthy's proposed 2010 Green Bay Packers NFL schedule.  "We have to play in that piece-of-crap HHH MetroDome in Minnesota each year.  I checked."  (Click on schedule to enlarge... slightly.)

A group calling themselves the NFC-Baggers stood outside the NFL commissioner’s office while chanting such slogans as “Kill the schedule! Kill the schedule!” Despite certain approval, the just-released 2010 schedule left some football fans feeling Goodell has way too much control. “I just feel the NFL is intruding in our lives,” one NFC-Bagger said. “For instance, what makes them think I want to see my Packers play the Cowboys for the third straight year?”

But despite objections by the NFC, the AFC is determined to ram all 32 schedules through for final approval with a signature by Goodell as early as tomorrow morning.

Goodell told the PackerPage he thinks this issue will eventually all blow over. “Once they see how much I raised ticket prices this season or how much they have to pay to watch their team play on TV they’ll have other things more important to bitch about.”

In related news, the Jacksonville Jaguars are still having problems selling game tickets. Although most of their games will most likely be blacked-out on television this season, this is the first time the NFL took the steps to black-out a team’s actual physical schedule.

Attendance is so bad in Jacksonville you can't even look at the Jag's schedule.  And those who actually buy tickets this season must wear a blindfold.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

NFL TAKES A WHACK AT DISCIPLINE

(April 20, 2010) --- In the wake of Ben Roethlisberger's alleged assault of a 20-year old college girl last month and several other NFL athletes displaying deplorable decorum on-and-off the field recently, the league says it will now step up its discipline with problem players by dealing out "corporal punishment."

Just days after calling Bad Ben into his office, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell held a press conference to address the issue and "lay down the law."

Goodell: "My hand, your ass!"

Said Goodell, "In these days of multi-million dollar salaries, applying monetary fines and brief suspensions to athletes with fat wallets is like spitting on a forest fire. To try and curb this bad behavior the NFL has introduced the most basic and traditional of corporal punishment... spanking." After a brief pause and a stern look, Goodell shook his finger and added, "And don't think I won't!"

While Goodell said he will personally be responsible for paying-out-the-pain, he did approve of an 11-member commission to review each situation case-by-case and then determine how much of the punishment the Commish will dish out.

"You're gonna get it!!!"

Awaiting discipline this week; Browns nose tackle Shaun Rogers (loaded gun at an airport), Cardinals linebacker Joey Porter (DUI and resisting arrest), Steelers receiver Santonio Holmes (assaulting a woman with a cocktail), Steelers kicker Jeff Reed (attacking a defenseless bathroom towel dispenser) and Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher (for just looking suspicious). Although Goodell and many fans support the new corporal punishment plan, there are several groups who do not.

A spokesperson for the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) disagrees with Goodell's methods and say they do not endorse spanking for any reason. Instead the AAP suggests that the NFL should utilize such strategies as "Time-Outs" or "Quiet Time" when athletes misbehave, which they claim would focus on getting them to reflect on their behavior and the consequences of their actions.

When the PackerPage asked Goodell about the AAP's suggestions, he raised his hand to the air and announced, "This will be the consequence!"

Living proof that fame and fortune can make anyone appear handsome and interesting.

Goodell did not take any questions from the media, but as the press followed him out to the parking lot he drove off shouting one last message to all concerned. "And if you guys can't play nice, I'm gonna turn this car around, and then there'll be no football for anybody!"

In related news, Tiger Woods said he was excited to return to the game of golf last week.  He said it was his first foursome since last November.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

AND BABY MAKES THREE... MILL

(April 7, 2010) --- With the NFL Draft just days away, coaches have recently become excited about the possibility of new blood in the draft pool.

It was recently revealed that Brett Favre’s daughter Brittany gave birth to a son she named Packer Brett. Although Packer Brett is only days old, NFL owners quickly petitioned the league to remove all age restrictions from draft regulations, and if the rules are amended, it could make Brett Jr. available for selection this April 22nd.

Here’s an exclusive PackerPage photo of baby Packer Brett. According to Brett’s daughter Brittany, her newborn son will not make a decision on whether or not to return to the womb at least until this August.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell assured the press that, “The league will not allow an infant on the field of play.” He explained, “If Brett Jr. is selected, his team simply holds the contractual rights to him. They can trade him, they must pay him, he can sit on the bench, but he can not play football until he officially becomes an adult.”

Because Brett Lorenzo Favre has proven himself over the last two-decades as the “Iron Man” of the NFL, league recruiters have since been desperate to find football’s next 3-time MVP. In fact, the old man’s kids have even been considered.

Although Brett and Deanna had only two daughters and no sons, that didn’t stop several recruiters in the past from offering the girls long-term deals to play for their squads in the future with the hope they may have some of dear-old-dad’s passing and scrambling DNA. Brittany and younger sister Breleigh have so far declined all offers.

If Brett Jr. (5-days) is picked this month and Brett Sr. (40-years) plays this year, they would be the youngest and the oldest players in the NFL. But will he be a chip off the old block? Well, according to proud Grandpa Brett, he certainly is!  Favre joked, “He sure can dribble... but the only thing he can pass right now is gas.”

Incidentally, when Deanna heard that some of her husband’s teammates were on their way over to see the kid, she made it very clear to Brett that under no circumstance should he hand the child over to Adrian Peterson.