Thursday, March 25, 2010

OVERTIME GETS AN OVERHAUL

(March 25, 2010) --- "Sudden Death" will soon become just a little bit less... "sudden."

Last Tuesday, NFL leaders gathered in Orlando to visit Mickey, get Goofy, check out the world renowned Central Florida Packer Backers headquarters and then try to come up with a few new rules for the next season before calling it a day and heading to Rachel’s for happy hour.

Here’s a nice vintage photograph of the Chicago Bears kicking the winning field goal which gave them a 9-0 win over the Portsmouth Prostheses to win the 1932 NFL Championship.

Prefacing his suggestion with that it had nothing to do with their overtime loss to the New Orleans Saints in last season’s NFC championship game, Minnesota Vikings owner Zygi Wilf proposed an idea that would change overtime rules for all postseason games. NFL team representatives quickly voted down the “stupid idea” (and “Zygi” as a “stupid name”) just as Tennessee Titans head coach Jeff Fisher rolled out the karaoke machine. But while Mike Holmgren started to belt out the first few lines of “Sweet Caroline,” Brett Favre (who everyone knows has absolute power in the league) grabbed the microphone to let everyone know he just overturned the rejected rule.

Here’s a look at the new “Vikings Want a Second Chance in Overtime” rule which will take effect later this season:

"In all post-season games, if a team wins the coin toss in overtime and then kicks a field goal, the other team also gets a chance to score with the ball... but if that next series ends with another field goal, play will continue under the current sudden-death rules. But the first touchdown or safety in overtime will still win the game. Finally, in all post-season sudden-death games, someone on the losing team actually has to die.”

The new NFL rule will remain in effect until Brett Favre retires.

PACKERPAGE POLL

Sunday, March 21, 2010

THE NFL COLLEGE DRAFT'S "HAIL MARY"

(March 21, 2010) --- With the NFL College Draft just a month away, Florida QB Tim Tebow has been in a hurry to adjust for the Big Leagues. NFL critics have long been saying that the former Heisman Trophy winner held the football too low, threw it too high and just looked way too darn pretty doing it.

Tebow... who flew into Gainesville on Virgin America Airlines last Wednesday to be part of an exhibition for NFL coaches, scouts and horny college girls... demonstrated his new throwing motion with special azure colored footballs. After an hour of showing off, Tim’s blue balls were all over the field, and Tebow was aching to get off. “After pumping my arm so much I just wanted to go home, clean-up and take a nap.”

Closely watching her student is Tebow’s personal throwing coach; a little girl. “Dammit, Tebow! How many times do I have to freakin’ tell you! After you release the ball, extend that pinky finger!”

Instead of graduating and ascending directly into Heaven, Tim made the decision this year to make the transition into the NFL, and there are several teams in the league who want Tebow and God on their side this season and are keeping a very close eye on the 22-year old home-schooled Christ-child.

Said Tebow, “Ever since the news got out that I was learning how to throw one of those inflated oval leather things, I’ve been getting lots of unsolicited advice.”

For instance, Idaho senator Larry Craig stopped by to give Tim tips on a proper wide-stance. Chicago Bears center Francis Pertwee stressed the importance of making sure the ball is held snuggly and lovingly against the center’s crotch. And Brett Favre called Tebow to emphasize that whenever the football is thrown it’s important that he always try to do his utmost best to complete each and every pass... even if it’s to the other team.

“Just think about it,” said New York Giants coach Tom Coughlin. “Here we have a quarterback who is learning to throw a football just days before the NFL Draft.” He paused for a moment and then suddenly his eyes lit up. “He’ll most definitely go in the first-round. That boy’s blessed!”

In other NFL Draft news, hundreds of Packers fans are expected to hold a solemn candlelit vigil next month outside Lambeau Field on the 21st anniversary of the team’s first-round draft pick of Tony Mandarich.

Friday, March 12, 2010

DE NIRO TO PLAY THE GODFATHER OF ALL MOVIE ROLES

(March 12, 2010) --- The PackerPage has recently discovered plans that some very smart people in Hollywood will finally be making a movie about the greatest coach in the history of sports. No, not Matt Millen motor-head! (Although for many years he did keep the number of teams in the NFC North down to just three.) We're talking Vincent Thomas Lombardi!

Hell, yeah!

Scene from "Lombardi": "What the hell's going on out there? Hey Halas, you talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin' to? You talkin' to me? Well I'm the only one here. Grab, grab, grab! Who the heck do you think you're talking to? Just a minute... the Don Hutson is semi-retired and I'm in charge of the family business now! And remember, you son-of-a-bitch... winning is not everything, it is the only thing."

The film, which will chronicle the years Vince-the-Great took the Green Bay Packers from the "Sorry Years" to the "Glory Years," is set to be released just days before the Packers play the San Diego Chargers in Super Bowl XLV early next year.

Picked to play the role of the Hall of Fame coach will be Academy Award winning performer Robert De Niro ("Godfather," "Raging Bull," "The Fan"), a method actor who says he is preparing for his role by having an orthodontist place a permanent gap between his two front teeth.

Tentatively slated to play the role of Lombardi's arch nemesis... Chicago Bears head coach George Halas... is some disgruntled, mentally deranged old man which casting found wandering outside an LA WalMart who just happened to escape from the I-Once-Was-A-Star Retirement Home & Flop House in West Hollywood.

Also, don't look for Brad Pitt starring as wholesome quarterback Bart Starr... Leonardo DiCaprio as ladies-man and halfback Paul "The Golden Boy" Hornung... Nicolas Cage to play curfew-breaker and receiver Max McGee... Vin Diesel taking on the role-of-his-life as tough-as-nails linebacker Ray Nitschke... and "Star Wars" actor Kenny Baker as the Super Bowl trophy.

Incidentally, "Lombardi" producers were at first considering a film about the life of legendary Alabama football coach Paul Bryant, but backers scrapped the idea after learning obscenity laws in Wisconsin would prevent the release of any movie in the state that featured the word "Bear" in its title.