Sunday, February 14, 2010

TOP 10 PACKERPAGE SPORTS STORIES OF 2009

(February 14, 2010) --- I know. We should have published this story almost two-months ago. But that Aaron Rodgers' interception was hard to shake. All we could do over the past four-weeks was eat nothing but cheese nachos while quietly and sadly hum "The Bears Still Suck Polka." Besides, he was freakin' facemasked! We're so glad the Cardinals didn't make it to the Super Bowl... and praise St. Vince the Vikings crapped out before getting there!

Anyway, let's get to it. Here are the Top-10 PackerPage Sports Stories of 2009. (PS... Happy Valentine's Day!)

10. Serena Williams Lets Every U.S. Open Tennis Fan Know She Has a Potty-Mouth (And Just Exactly What Else You Can Do With a Tennis Ball)

9. The United Football League Debuts; Anyone Wanna Play? (#1 UFL Goal: To Last Longer Than the XFL)

8. New York Yankees Purchase Another World Series Championship! (George Steinbrenner Now Looking into Buying his Team a Super Bowl Title Too)

7. Alex Roidriguez Admits Steroids Made His Head the Size of a Watermelon (After Tearful Press Conference A-Rod Cried Himself to Sleep... on His Extra-Extra Large Pillow)

6. Brett Favre Signs Deal to Throw Interceptions for the Minnesota Vikings (Bus Cook Officially Becomes the New Colonel Tom Parker)

5. The Philadelphia Eagles Bail-Out Michael Vick to Hold Donovan McNabb's Clipboard (Team Figures They'll Make Some Extra Cash Selling a Crapload of Michael Vick Chew-Toys)

4. Cleveland Signs Shaq as their New Sheriff (The Cavaliers Now have the Biggest Guy in the NBA... and the Slowest Guy in the NBA)

3. Michael Phelps is Caught on Camera Enjoying a Pre-Dinner Bong Hit (He Was Just Trying to Keep His Caloric Intake Up)

2. Pittsburgh Steelers Defeat the Arizona Cardinals in Hyper Bowl XLIII (Game Set Record for the Number of Football Fans Sleeping in Front of Their Televisions)

1. Tiger Woods Crashes Car, Wife Breaks Window With Golf Club (The Guys Who Call Themselves Journalists at TMZ Got a 3 Wood After First Hearing of This Story.)

Friday, February 12, 2010

LAZY DOG

(February 12, 2010) --- In an on-air interview last Wednesday with an Atlanta radio station, Eagles quarterback Michael Vick revealed that he never truly gave 100-percent several years ago when he lived in the city. Vick’s acknowledgment that he was “somewhat lazy.”

“I think if I woulda applied myself,” Vick said, “there was a lot more I could have done... I was complacent at the time, somewhat lazy, and I kinda settled for mediocrity.”

“Just imagine what I could’ve been doing if I really would have been applying myself,” Vick said. “That’s a regret that I have."

But enough about dog-fighting...

Bob Barker called for Vick to be spayed and neutered.

HE COULD... GO... ALL .. THE... (AH, NEVER MIND)

(February 12, 2010) --- Whoop!

Chris Berman, longtime ESPN sports anchor and pun-machine, says his contract with the cable network expires this May and he just might not be "back-back-back-back-back!!!"

Because of his employment uncertainty, and to try to pay off the results of some of his bad "Swami" gambling picks over the years, "Bristolpher BerMAN-Boobs" is selling some of his "Bermanisms" to pick up some quick cash.

Recently, former Minnesota Twins pitcher Bert Blyleven dished-out $125 to retain the rights to "Bert Be-Home Blyleven." Up until last week, Berman was the only person in the free-world legally allowed to utter that phrase.

If Berman leaves ESPN, how in the hell are we supposed to differentiate between the New York football and New York baseball Giants?

Over his four-decades at ESPN, Berman has issued hundreds of copyright claims for stuff he made-up on his show like "Jake Daylight-Come-and-Me-Want-to Delhomme," "Scott Supercalifragilisticexpiali Brosius" and "Andre Bad-Moon Rison."

The dozen or so lawyers who have worked for the sportscaster over the years have constantly try to catch and sue anyone announcing, discussing or even whispering Bermanese without the expressed written consent of the National Chris Berman League which, of course, is strictly prohibited. But over the past several years, Berman's stock has fallen fast.

ESPN and millions of sports fans have long thought Berman has taken his word-play schtick and run it "back-back-back-back-back!!!" into the ground so deep that the value of those once treasured Bermanisms have tumbled quicker than "Rowland Flip Wolfe" in the 1932 Olympics.

Mark McGuire became the highest-bidder to the once popular "Sammy Say-it-Ain't Sosa" for a paltry 40-bucks and immediately buried it in an undisclosed location. Pete Rose purchased "Pete I-Never-Promised-You-A Rose Garden" and then promptly shoved it up Berman's ass. Other copyrights, such as "Jay Fiedler On-the-Roof" and "Tim Couch Potato," have long lapsed and are now public domain.

Still there are plenty of Bermanisms that either never caught-on or are now virtually worthless such as "Michael Who-Let-the-Dogs-Rot Vick," "Peyton Equals-2000-Pounds Manning" and "Brian Bald-Headed-No-Talent-Ass-Face Urlacher." The latter purchased jointly for just a buck by Wayne Larrivee and Larry McCarren.

Incidentally, this on-line news-site also got in on the act. Yesterday the PackerPage was the highest bidder ($15) on the Bermanism "back-back-back-back-back!!!" and is now contractually obligated to use it at least four times in each of the stories it releases on this website.

For "back-back-back-back-back!!!" issues of any PackerPage sports articles, send 50-bucks in 2-dollar bills to: The PackerPage, PO Box 3027, Winter Park, Florida, 32790. Expect four to sixty weeks for delivery.