(December 12, 2010) --- Following several frustrating seasons of threatening to take his franchise elsewhere if he didn’t get a new stadium, Minnesota Vikings owner Zygi Wilf finally snapped. He’s made the decision to move his team out of the state.
Wilf, embarrassed for years that his team had to play in a big tent with a football field inside of it, had repeatedly begged the city for millions of dollars for a newer and bigger tent. (“Whenever I looked at that cystic eyesore,” said Wilf, “I wanted to pop it like a zit.”) And when begging didn’t work, he resorted to blackmail. But, as Zygi soon discovered, Minnesota doesn’t negotiate with owners of teams who suck.
But Zygi had had enough. “I decided to move the Vikings to a major city that hasn’t had an NFL team in decades... Detroit.”
The PackerPage was told by the league that the Giants-Vikings contest --- originally scheduled to be played yesterday afternoon in Minnesota’s Metrodome --- has already been moved to this evening’s Monday Night Football game at the Detroit Vikings new home at Ford Field.
|Zigy & the Sly Czar from Thor's.|
Minnesota’s abrupt mid-season move to Detroit happened stealthily in the middle of the night. Late Saturday evening, Wilf brought in a crapload of boxes and packed up his team (big boxes for linebackers, smaller ones for kickers and punters) along with jerseys, equipment and that ugly-bald-but-still-hairy-fur-wearing-dude-with-the-horn-hat-and-an-axe, and sent them east to Michigan. Officials said the transition went quicker and smoother than expected because the Vikings didn’t have to worry about packing up and transporting anything as fragile or important as Super Bowl trophies.
As soon as the moving trucks pulled away, Wilf lingered behind at a tavern within eyeshot of the Dome. Sitting at a table near a window at Bullwinkle’s Saloon, he pulled off the final stage of his dastardly plan. With a can of Schlitz in one hand and the handle of a dynamite plunger in the other, Zygi took a sip of 3.2 beer and then pushed down on the lever which triggered a strategically placed firecracker which turned out to be more than enough explosive power to take down the MetroDump’s outdated white Jiffy Pop rooftop.
|Exclusive to the PackerPage: Dramatic before and after photos of the HHH Mall of America Metrodome. Vikings fans know it wasn't the first thing to collapse in Minnesota this season.|
“Minnesotans need to man up.” Wilf explained with a maniacal laugh. “Everyone is so proud of the hardcore winters up here and the fact that they survive them each year. And then they went and built this stupid dome. At least in Detroit they embrace their stupidity.”
“Um... is that microphone on?"