Thursday, December 30, 2010

DON'T ILLINOIS ME!

(December 30, 2010) --- After decades of research, St. Luke’s Medical Center in Milwaukee has announced they have pinpointed a specialized form of Tourette’s syndrome which only appears to affect a good percentage of those who live in, or have ties to, Wisconsin.

Outbreaks of Bearette’s Syndrome (BS) have received significant media attention over the last several years. It’s a disorder that can occur as a single, isolated case and still easily appear suddenly as an outbreak in a group setting. When outbreaks do occur, they most usually emerge in late summer through autumn and into the early part of winter, although BS cases may occur at any time of the year.


Studies have shown that bright orange colored shirts with a bear or the word "Chicago" printed on it have been known to trigger Bearette's among Cheeseheads.  It has been confirmed that spontanious outbursts (above) can also happen outside the realm of football such as when FIB's trespass north to Wisconsin each spring.

Research director Dr. Marcus R. Hoskin said it’s an ailment which makes perfectly normal people blurt-out the words "Suck!" or "Still Suck!" immediately after hearing the phrase "the Bears." Another advanced form of Bearette’s Syndrome can be triggered by uttering three similar words and is a good test to verify if someone is indeed influenced by BS.

Dr. Hoskin tells the PackerPage, "To check for BS, I recommend shouting out the words 'After Further Revue!' and if someone immediately and without hesitation responds with 'The Bears Still Suck!' they most certainly have Bearette’s Syndrome."


Another credible evaluation to discover if you have Bearette's Syndrome is to stare at this test pattern for several seconds and then write down the first thing that pops into your mind.  If it's "This is really stupid," you don't have Bearette's but instead something entirely different and should move the hell out of Illinois as fast as you damn well can before the rest of your brain turns to mush.

Although there are literally millions estimated to have Bearette’s Syndrome, the exact cause of the vocal-tic is still unknown... but just recently it has been well established that both genetic and environmental factors are involved. Recent studies have shown that the overwhelming majority of BS cases are inherit in men and women who dress occasionally in green and/or gold clothing, drink cheap beer, and consume or wear cheese.

In fact, just this past weekend during the last few minutes of the Packers' 45-17 dismantling of the New York Giants at Lambeau Field, 70-thousand fans mysteriously and spontaneously erupted into a thunderous, repetitive chant of "The Bears Still Suck!" What made this occurrence bizarre and especially curious was that there wasn't a single Flatlander in sight and --- because they do have a reputation that's mostly based on luck --- the Chicago Bears finished with an un-sucking winning record slightly ahead of the Packers in the NFC North.

Unconfirmed reports of similar incidents have been rumored to have occurred as far back as the early 1920's when the Green Bay Press-Gazette noted in one of their sports stories that several Packer supporters supposedly bellowed "The Staleys really stink!" at halftime of a game at Hagemeister Park. During the 70’s and 80’s, BS was once considered a rare and unusual malady but over the past couple of decades Bearette's has been accepted and even embraced in Wisconsin. Through his years of research, Dr. Hoskin says he has yet to find anyone with the disorder who has ever sought a cure.

Here's a nice photo of Dr. Marcus Hoskin who is leading the research effort on Bearette's Syndrome.  He explains, "Bearette's is a spectrum disorder in which, BEARS SUCK... severity ranges over a spectrum, CHICAGO BLOWS... from mild to severe.  The majority of cases are low-key and require, BEATEN BEARS MAKE GOOD RUGS... no treatment."

Additional research has revealed that Bearette tics are not so much "involuntary" as they are "compelling." People with BS feel an irresistible urge to perform their tics when hearing of, or encountering someone from Illinois... much like a Packer fan's unexplained urge to kick a Vikings player in the nuts. Some people with BS are able to hold back their tics for up to an hour at a time, but this only leads to a stronger outburst of anti-Bears sentiments once they are finally allowed to be expressed. But Dr. Hoskin says the healthy and American thing to do is to not stifle yourself. He reasoned, "Once Packers fans give up their freedom of blurtatious speech, the Bearorists have won."

In related news, scientists have recently discovered that watching the Miami Dolphins' offense is one of the nation’s leading causes of contagious yawning.