Thursday, December 9, 2010

COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET

(December 9, 2010) --- When the Packers and Bears meet for the 181st time this January 2nd, both teams will look, play and bleed just like they did back when the two clubs first clashed in 1921.
Not only will the Packers and Bears be playing with throwback footballs made from inflated pig blatters this January but fans in the stands will discover that they also make a yummy halftime snack.
Following the success of the Packers’ throwback jerseys they wore last week, the NFL announced today they plan to repeat the process for the last regular season game between the league's two oldest teams, but this time they plan to take the experience a couple of steps further.

"To prepare for the ultimate throwback game featuring the Packers and Bears, we did a lot of research to truly replicate the atmosphere of professional football as it was played 90-years ago," announced NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. "That means no women will be allowed inside to see the game at Lambeau Field... but every man in attendance gets a complimentary fedora and a pack of cigarettes!"

If you are planning to see the Packers and Bears play this January, be sure to pick up one of the retro game programs the NFL will make available to fans at Lambeau Field.  In it you'll find a welcome letter from commissioner Roger Goodell, an interview with Chicago coach Lovie Smith where he explains why Jay Cutler is the best Bears quarterback since Kyle Orton, hair-care tips on avoiding split-ends from Packers linebacker Clay Matthews along with valuable money-saving coupons for such products as None-Such Mince Meat, Viceroy Filtered Cigarettes and Squibbs Cod Liver Oil.
For the league's oldest rivalry next month, the Commissioner said each team will wear NFL gear from the early-1920's which will include tight leather helmets, brown canvas pants and jerseys made entirely of wool. Said Goodell, "You'll see today's players performing just as they did way-back then. You know, walking around with traumatic cerebral contusions, compound bone fractures, missing teeth, bloodied faces, badly bruised nuts and worst of all, itchy chests."

Additionally, both the Bears and Packers will temporarily cut their team rosters to a couple dozen players who will play every down on both offense and defense, just like they did in the olden days. Also, all footballs used will be made of inflated pig bladders... and defensive tackles can not only sack the quarterback, but they can legally bludgeon and maim him as well.

Goodell added, “We haven’t told any of the players yet, but to truly honor the spirit of the of the NFL as it was in 1921, all they’ll get paid that day is a hundred-bucks and a free train ride home.”

Digging Out the Duds

Green Bay Packers
In 1920, the Indian Packing Company was purchased by Wile E. Coyote's Acme Packing Plant. Acme continued its support of Curly Lambeau's team in Green Bay, and in its first season in the NFL the team wore jerseys with the words "ACME PACKERS" emblazoned on the chest. Lambeau, who had attended the University of Notre Dame, borrowed the team's colors of navy blue and gold from the Irish. Little known fact: The way-too-tight-in-the-back-end brown canvas pants were eventual replaced when the NFL banned the "flying wedgie."

Chicago Bears
The early Chicago Staleys football outfits from 1921 were designed by head coach George Halas' former cellmate, full-time mobster and part-time seamstress Samuele Cardinelli. Team historians say the prison stripes on the front of their original team jerseys were a tribute to Halas' alma mater, the Joliet Correctional Center.  Original Staleys on-field gear also included a switchblade, shiv, brass knuckles, and six-feet of strangle wire.

In related news, the New York Giants will also be getting into the NFL throwback spirit as they recently announced they will close out their regular season on January 2nd with a game against the visiting Pottsville Maroons.