Friday, November 12, 2010


(November 11, 2010) --- Beware of the Hair!

Quarterbacks in the NFL know that Packers’ linebacker Clay Matthews is a freakin' scary hairy beast on the football field.

But how does this long-locked linebacker muster his muscle? Where does his dominating power come from? How does he tap into his inner toughness? Well, it turns out his strength stems from... his hair.

After weeks of intense background analysis, the PackerPage genealogy research staff has determined Clay Matthews to be a direct descendant of Samson Agonistes. It's true! And we wouldn't Deliliah to you!

It's common knowledge that Clay Matthews' father Clay Matthews Jr. (Browns, Falcons) and uncle Bruce Matthews (Oilers, Titans) also had Hair Power.  It's what you'd call "Family Heirs."
And just like his 2,000-plus year old ancestor, the longer the mop, the bigger the whop... or in Clay's case, the longer the mane, the shorter their gain.

Sunday night, the second-year linebacker from USC dominated Dallas from the get-go. He was practically living in the Cowboys’ backfield. The Big Blonde Bull was deflecting passes, stuffing short-yardage runs, burying backs, eating OT's and crapping centers. The Claymaker was near the ball on just about every snap.

In fact, his follicles racked up four tackles, his split-ends deflected two passes, his sandy strands sacked a quarterback and his copious coif even turned a fumble into a TD. On that key interception, Matthews' long locks latched onto a ball (that was tipped by A.J. Hawk's bangs), and took it 62-yards for a Green Bay score.

We rest our case.
Matthews owns the title of "NFL’s sack king," and after knocking the Kitna out of the Dallas Cowboys' quarterback last Sunday night, Clay now has a total of 10.5 sacks so far this season, putting his hair on track to break the single-season sack record of 22.5 (set by Michael Strayhair in 2002). Clay has yet to have a bad-hair day this season.

But Matthews credits his success to the rest of the team, coach Mike McCarthy and especially his hair stylist who puts him through grueling two-a-day workouts which include intense conditioning... not to mention scrunching, brushing, shampooing, untangling, teasing and straightening.

And despite trading Al Harris to the Miami Dolphins last week, the Green Bay Packers still lead all teams in the NFL in the category of "total hair."

The 2010 Green Bay PackHairs currently lead the league in "total hair..." not to mention "locks" and "brushing."
The next game for the Packers will be on November 21st against the Minnesota Vikings who have been training their offensive line how to block, tackle, clip and trim while Brett Favre has been busy texting Matthews daily gift certificates to SuperCuts.

The Steelers dropped to seconds place in "total hair" after it was discovered through his agent that Pittsburgh strong safety Troy Polamalu filed for extensions.