Thursday, November 25, 2010

CHILLY AND PHILLIPS: KRAUT OF THE NFL

(November 25, 2010) --- The NFL is now on notice... lose a game to the Packers and you just may lose your job.

The day after Dallas got their silver butts booted 45-7 by the Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field a couple of weeks ago, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones watched carefully as head coach Wade Phillips boxed up his stuff, had his defensive linemen escort him out of his office while Jones gave Phillips one last piece of advice; "Don’t let my million-dollar screen door hit your fat ass on the way out."

Vikings fans finally get their wish.  Now it's not so Chilly in Minnesota.
Then, after the Packers’ next game, it happened again... another NFL head coach was canned smack-dab in the middle of the season. Yep, just 24-hours after the USS Green Bay torpedoed the sinking Vikings’ ship 31-3 in the Land of 10,000 Lakes, Minnesota football fans could still be heard booing as Brad Childress was handed his own personal purple version of the pink slip.

But what now for Phillips and Childress?

Here's a nice photo of former Dallas head coach Wade Phillips' ass (left) moments before it was "screen-doored..." and of the fern (right) that Cowboys' owner Jerry Jones appointed to take over as the team's new offensive coordinator.
Well, apparently they have already found new gigs. The PackerPage and Entertainment Weekly report that CBS television has signed the two former head coaches to play key roles in their revival of the Sixties military TV sitcom "Hogan’s Heroes."

Nancy Tellem, President of CBS Network Television Entertainment, said she couldn’t believe their luck. "Around the same time Phillips and Childress were fired from their coaching jobs, we just happened to be casting for someone to play the role of a fat, dumb, inept German sergeant and a bald, skinny, bumbling Nazi colonel. It was a perfect fit!"

Final score: Hogan's Heroes 35-Stalag 13.
"Hogan’s Heroes" revolves around the story of two incompetent Germans who are in charge of Stalag-13, a POW camp for captured Allied airmen during World War II which features Colonel Wilhelm Klink (Brad Childress) and Master Sergeant Georg Schultz (Wade Phillips). Tellem proclaimed, "They were born to play these roles!"

Klink and Schultz initially think their camp is inescapable and that they will win the war, but instead they are often the subject of ridicule, espionage and sabotage by the Allied prisoners they are supposedly in charge of -- led by U.S Air Force Colonel Robert E. Hogan (to be played by Wisconsin-born actor Chris Noth). In fact, the two Nazi’s are so incompetent and delusional that they are often threatened to be fired by their superiors and sent to the Russian Front. And, just like the real-life Childress and Wade, hilarity ensues.

(Scene from "Hogan's Heroes" starring Wade Phillips and Brad Childress.)
Schultz: "My Herr ex-Kommandant."  Klink: "What is it, Schultz?"  Schultz: "I have good news, and bad news."  Klink: "Give me the good news first, Schultz."  Schultz: "The Gestapo ordered you to be shot first thing in the morning."  Klink: "That's the good news?!  What's the bad news?"  Schultz: "They're not giving you a blindfold."  Klink: "Anything else?"  Schultz: "They're asking for volunteers for the firing squad."  Klink: "Ha!  They'll never get any volunteers from my men!"  Schultz: "I beg to report, Herr Kommandant, they did."  Klink: "How many volunteered?"  Schultz: "Forty-nine."  Klink: "How many men do we have?"  Schultz: "Fifty-five."  Klink: "At least six of my men are loyal."  Schultz: "No, Herr Kommandant.  Two are in the hospital and four are physically unable to shoot."  Klink: "Wait a minute.  Wait a minute!  We only have fifty-three men!"  Schultz: "Not counting the two you cut from the squad earlier this year.  But they came back this morning when they heard you were going to be shot."
The first episode of the new "Hogan’s Heroes" is set to debut February 11th on CBS airing opposite NBC's special installment of "American Sportsman" titled "Hunting Bear in Chicago."