Wednesday, September 29, 2010

THE MATTHEWIAN CANDIDATE

(September 29, 2010) --- The PackerPage has recently uncovered information revealing that Green Bay Packers linebacker Clay Matthews has been the subject of voluntary mind-control in an effort to better his hit-man performance on the football field.

Matthews --- who had 10 quarterback-sacks last season as a rookie --- racked up an impressive six sacks in just his first two games this season. The Packers attribute Matthews' improved "seek and destroy" abilities this year to the addition of a new "coaching" position which Green Bay covertly established last July.

Here’s a nice photo of Green Bay linebacker Clay Matthews shortly before undergoing his weekly indoctrination. Clay usually books his brainwashing just after his weekly appointment with his personal stylist to get his hair straightened and split-ends clipped.

Packers Defensive Thought-Reform Trainer Yen Lo, a former Chinese/Korean doctor-spylord, first introduced the cutting-edge psychology to the Packers with the goal of developing a more concentrated, intense defensive line through a special kind of hypnosis. Matthews was the first on the team to volunteer for the controversial procedure.

The process centers around the leagues loathing toward Minnesota Vikings’ quarterback Brett Favre. Yen trained Matthews to transfer and harness that feeling of animosity and focus it toward whomever the quarterback happens to be on the opposing team.

Packers’ linebacker Clay Matthews embarked on a special training program this season. Part of the regimen involves martial arts along with a certain proto-psychic hypnosis. Specifically, any opposing quarterback will be subconsciously substituted for a foe of special emphasis... such as a certain flip-flopping, over-the-hill, interception-prone, gray-haired Minnesota Viking grandpa.

Sitting in a movie theater chair with a bag of buttered popcorn, a giant box of Milk Duds and his eyelids propped open, Yen flashes a series of images in front of Matthews while recording his reactions. Using his thinking patterns, Matthews is then presented with a number of photographs of the quarterback he will be facing in the next Packers game. Then through a barrage of split-second images, jolts of electricity and a seemingly endless loop of Wrangler Jeans commercials, Matthews is brainwashed into thinking the next QB he will face will instead be Brett Favre.

The Packers have been using Matthews as a sleeper-agent linebacker since the pre-season with noticeable success. In fact the program has been so successful Matthews has been known to occasionally tackle unaware fans on the street who happen to be wearing replica football jerseys sporting the number “4.”

When Aaron Rodgers was asked to confirm whether Matthews was a brainwashed, mind-controlled, heat-seeking quarterback-destroying machine, the Packers field general responded with, “I am the Aaronator... a sophisticated sports robot sent back through time to change the future for one lucky team.”

It is common knowledge that Illinois authorities have been utilizing a brain-draining process called “Thought Stopping” on its citizens since the days of George Halas as a way to demand unquestioning devotion, loyalty and submission to that evil cult known as the Chicago Bears. Here’s a nice vintage photograph of a few FIB’s having their sense of self systematically destroyed before robotically marching into Soldier Field to “support” their team.