Sunday, July 4, 2010

FANTASY FOOTBALL TIPS: TACKLING QUARTERBACKS

(July 6, 2010) --- The NFL’s regular season is only a couple of months away, which means it’s that time of year when fantasy footballers are going to start spending more time on-the-job managing their fantasy teams than doing actual work. That’s because, as you know, preparing yourself for a run at that imaginary league championship is way more important than getting laid.

"I like fantasy football, but in my fantasy the quarterback takes the snap and tosses the football high-up in the air, and while it’s up there, it turns into Maria Sharapova, and when she lands in my lap, she slowly morphs into a giant cheesy bowl of chicken nachos with guacamole."

Of course, the start of every successful season begins with that mock draft. And to have a successful mock draft you need an accurate and in-depth set of mock player-rankings to help guide you through each and every round. That's where the PackerPage can help. We’ve assembled a staff of fantasy experts -- a dozen armchair quarterbacks, couch potatoes and a few other people who have no idea what they’re talking about -- to come up a list of who they think will be the most productive players in the NFL this season.

In this list -- the first in a series of rankings by position -- we bring you the “Top-5 Fantasy Quarterbacks” in the NFL. But remember: before you start your fantasy draft, you need a reality draft to put you in a fantasy state of mind. For that, we suggest a tall, cold mug of Miller High Life.

Okay, now you’re ready.
1. Aaron Rodgers, QB, Packers
No surprise here. As you know the NFL has become a passing league and Rodgers has been at the forefront of this evolution. He put up his second consecutive monster season in 2009, and has established himself as the top fantasy option at his position. Rodgers, who had 35 total scores last season, is well worth your high first-round selection on draft day for 2010. If you’re unable to draft Rodgers we seriously suggest you bail-out of your league as-soon-as-possible while trying your best at groveling to your fantasy football commissioner for a full refund.

2. Drew Brees, QB, Saints
The only reason Brees made our list is because he was apparently the quarterback for the team that won the Super Bowl earlier this year. Sure, Mr. Moley was third in fantasy numbers overall last year and has scored a combined 643 points since 2008, but remember, no one... I repeat... no one, ever survives the Madden curse. (Evil laugh.) Besides, after hearing “who dat!” a million-times every single day since February, we heard the guy is slowly going voodoo-postal and that it’s just a matter of time before he’ll snap faster than his center. And everyone knows it’s hard to throw a football whilst wearing a straightjacket.

3. Peyton Manning, QB, Colts
We know what you’re thinking: “Wait-a-minute!! Popular commercial actor Peyton Manning plays professional football?” As bizarre as it seems, it’s true! We checked. Now, the Colts field general may be healthy enough to put up good numbers this season but keep in mind Manning will be missing several Sundays later this year due to prior commitments recording ads for everything from Mastercard to Beggin' Strips, and rumor has it he got that big gig taking over for Billy Mays as the new pitchman for Sham-Wow!

4. Tom Brady, QB, Patriots
Following reconstructive knee surgery last year we have a gut feeling man-whore Tom Brady’s smooth and silky shaved legs won’t last through the pre-season. But if your fantasy league awards lots of points for the knack and skill of knowing how to properly hold a clipboard on the sidelines, then this is your guy.

5. Bart Starr, QB, Packers
Sure, he hasn’t taken a snap in almost 40-years but trust us, Bart will still earn you more points than that washed-up antique Brett Favre whose interceptions he’ll be throwing this season will kill any fantasy team. Remember, there's a reason why this is referred to as fantasy football, right? So while you’re at it, make a note to draft Ray Nitschke too. Although long since dead, his name on defense will still make the opposing quarterback poop his pants.
Next week the PackerPage football fantasy series continues with a comprehensive list of the top-5 kinks of Tony Romo. (Hint: #2 involves Jessica Simpson in nothing but a Favre jersey and a freshly baked apple pie.)

Now this is what we call fantasy football! (Hey, we'll do anything for additional page-views.)