Thursday, May 27, 2010


(May 27, 2010) --- Commissioner Roger Goodell and the NFL finally realized that the Super Bowl was meant to be played at a "neutral" site, not "neutered" as it has in the past when only fair-weather or domed locations were considered.

Goodell: "And for those of you who think it's going to be too cold, well you and your testicles can spend Super Sunday shopping for pillow shams at the mall with your wife."

The league announced this week that the Meadowlands Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey will be the site for Super Bowl XLVIII in February of 2014, a little less than two-years after the end of the world. It will be the first NFL Championship game held in the New York area since 1962 when Green Bay punter Don Chandler froze his left football off as the Packers beat the New York Giants 16-7 in sub-freezing weather at Yankee Stadium.

This will also be the first cold weather Super Bowl to be played in an open-air stadium and some football fans say they want to attend the game just to watch the snobby rich and famous Hollywood-types freeze their higher-than-mighty asses off. Because the majority of overpriced Super Bowl tickets usually find their way to the well-to-do, most of the posers are expected to disappear faster than Jimmy Hoffa did in 1975. In fact, Vegas already has odds on how long the likes of Eva Longoria, Spike Lee and Sarah Jessica Parker will stay in their stadium seats before they high-tail their frozen heines out of there. (So far the odds-on favorite celeb to stay in his seat the longest at Super Bowl XLVIII is Leonardo DiCaprio [2:1] simply because everyone knows he used to ice fish on Lake Wissota in Chippewa Falls.)

“An open-air football game in the dead of winter is why God invented peppermint schnapps.”

Five other cities placed bids but lost their chance to host the big game in 2014; Minneapolis (because they won't have a place to play), Green Bay (not enough strip joints), Tampa Bay (too many strip joints), Pittsburgh (afraid stadium will probably still smell of Roethlisberger) and Miami (because Chris Berman doesn't look all that good in a thong t-back).  Despite naysayers, a Journal Sentinal sports writer said he wants the 50th NFL Championship played in Super Bowl Heaven at Lambeau Field even though some predict the cold would make it Super Bowl L.

But not everyone’s happy about the NY location. The Empire State Better Business Bureau has already received dozens of complaints and has just today issued a “Bait and Switch” warning to anyone who plans on buying a ticket to Super Bowl XLVIII; “Remember, you’ll be buying New York, but you’ll be getting New Jersey. This may be America’s biggest game but Jersey is still Jersey. It's like putting lipstick on a pig. Buyer, beware!”

New York City is already making big plans on organizing several fan-friendly Super Bowl tributes throughout the city in early 2014. For instance, the Statue of Liberty will be outfitted in a giant overcoat and fedora as a tribute to Vince Lombardi, Manhattan hookers will be offering special $7 “Through the Uprights” specials, and to spur excitement in the week leading up to the game the league plans to distribute Brett Favre jerseys to all the homeless bums in the streets of the Big Apple.

Would you go to a cold weather Super Bowl? Saints fanatic Marty Graw said he wasn't quite sure if he would attend the game even if his team made it that far in 2014. "I dunno. What's that 1,355 day weather forecast look like?"