Friday, May 7, 2010

SO, YOU WANNA BE A FIELD-JUMPER

(May 6, 2010) --- Last Monday a 17-year old Phillies fan was tased by stadium security after he ran out onto the playing field during the Arizona at Philadelphia Major League Baseball game at Citizens Bank Park.

(Cue the Benny Hill theme music.) Late in the game, just as the Cardinals were preparing to bat, 40-thousand fans watched as a skinny, pimple-faced kid in a red Phillies National League Championship t-shirt jumped the railing and started running around the outfield waving a white towel while trying to elude the coppers. After several seconds of looping around the field one of the officers took him down, face-first, with a single taser shot to the back. The menace to society was hauled away and eventually charged with defiant trespass, disorderly conduct, resisting arrest and delay of the 7th inning stretch.

Hey, the punk may be a bit misguided, but he’s our hero.

Life's tough. It's even tougher when you're stupid.  (By-the-way, 10-bucks says the security guard has this pic blown up and framed in his office.)

So, if you're thinking of taking up “Field Jumping” as your new athletic pastime and grabbing your own 15-seconds of fame, the PackerPage is here to help! Here we present ten suggestions that will maximize your media exposure for that special day when you take off running. See you on YouTube!
10 Tips on Getting the Most Out of Your Field-Jumping Experience

- Before you jump onto the field, tuck one of your upper limbs inside your shirt and extend a prosthetic arm outside the empty sleeve. Then listen for the collective gasp from spectators when security tries to grab you.

- If you're a Packers fan, be sure to slip on a Brett Favre jersey just before you make a fool out of yourself. It's called "guilt-by-association."

- When tased, be overly dramatic. Bogus blood, a mouthful of pea-soup and fake convulsions will make you an instant internet sensation!

- If it's a baseball game, take bets on how many bases you can touch (football, total yardage) before you're captured. This way, if you're fast, you'll make enough money to cover the cost of bailing yourself out of jail.

- Wear a cape and tights. No real reason, it just sounds cool.

- Just about everyone has jumped aboard the social networking bandwagon so why not Twitter while you’re being chased. That way more than just the ten’s-of-thousands of people in the stadium will know what a dumb-ass you really are.

- Pull a crap-load of $20 bills out of you pocket and toss them behind you while you're being chased by stadium security as it just may slow down those underpaid Barney Fife's thus giving you a lot more air-time. It will also help divert attention as greedy fans jump onto the field to grab some of that loot. And hey... no one said they had to be real $20 bills!

- Unless you're Hugh Jackman, do not run onto the field naked. People do not want to see any of that. Besides, remember... you just might be tased, bro. Always protect the jewels.

- If you want a bit of sympathy from the public after being cuffed and hauled away, be sure you’re wearing a t-shirt with a message that everyone can get behind like "Adopt Sheltered Cats & Dogs," "Save Lives, Give Blood" or "The Bears Still Suck."

- Grease yourself up from head-to-toe. Not only will lubing-up make you more difficult to catch but it'll make your post-arrest cavity-search a lot less painful.