Tuesday, April 20, 2010


(April 20, 2010) --- In the wake of Ben Roethlisberger's alleged assault of a 20-year old college girl last month and several other NFL athletes displaying deplorable decorum on-and-off the field recently, the league says it will now step up its discipline with problem players by dealing out "corporal punishment."

Just days after calling Bad Ben into his office, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell held a press conference to address the issue and "lay down the law."

Goodell: "My hand, your ass!"

Said Goodell, "In these days of multi-million dollar salaries, applying monetary fines and brief suspensions to athletes with fat wallets is like spitting on a forest fire. To try and curb this bad behavior the NFL has introduced the most basic and traditional of corporal punishment... spanking." After a brief pause and a stern look, Goodell shook his finger and added, "And don't think I won't!"

While Goodell said he will personally be responsible for paying-out-the-pain, he did approve of an 11-member commission to review each situation case-by-case and then determine how much of the punishment the Commish will dish out.

"You're gonna get it!!!"

Awaiting discipline this week; Browns nose tackle Shaun Rogers (loaded gun at an airport), Cardinals linebacker Joey Porter (DUI and resisting arrest), Steelers receiver Santonio Holmes (assaulting a woman with a cocktail), Steelers kicker Jeff Reed (attacking a defenseless bathroom towel dispenser) and Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher (for just looking suspicious). Although Goodell and many fans support the new corporal punishment plan, there are several groups who do not.

A spokesperson for the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) disagrees with Goodell's methods and say they do not endorse spanking for any reason. Instead the AAP suggests that the NFL should utilize such strategies as "Time-Outs" or "Quiet Time" when athletes misbehave, which they claim would focus on getting them to reflect on their behavior and the consequences of their actions.

When the PackerPage asked Goodell about the AAP's suggestions, he raised his hand to the air and announced, "This will be the consequence!"

Living proof that fame and fortune can make anyone appear handsome and interesting.

Goodell did not take any questions from the media, but as the press followed him out to the parking lot he drove off shouting one last message to all concerned. "And if you guys can't play nice, I'm gonna turn this car around, and then there'll be no football for anybody!"

In related news, Tiger Woods said he was excited to return to the game of golf last week.  He said it was his first foursome since last November.