Thursday, December 30, 2010

DON'T ILLINOIS ME!

(December 30, 2010) --- After decades of research, St. Luke’s Medical Center in Milwaukee has announced they have pinpointed a specialized form of Tourette’s syndrome which only appears to affect a good percentage of those who live in, or have ties to, Wisconsin.

Outbreaks of Bearette’s Syndrome (BS) have received significant media attention over the last several years. It’s a disorder that can occur as a single, isolated case and still easily appear suddenly as an outbreak in a group setting. When outbreaks do occur, they most usually emerge in late summer through autumn and into the early part of winter, although BS cases may occur at any time of the year.


Studies have shown that bright orange colored shirts with a bear or the word "Chicago" printed on it have been known to trigger Bearette's among Cheeseheads.  It has been confirmed that spontanious outbursts (above) can also happen outside the realm of football such as when FIB's trespass north to Wisconsin each spring.

Research director Dr. Marcus R. Hoskin said it’s an ailment which makes perfectly normal people blurt-out the words "Suck!" or "Still Suck!" immediately after hearing the phrase "the Bears." Another advanced form of Bearette’s Syndrome can be triggered by uttering three similar words and is a good test to verify if someone is indeed influenced by BS.

Dr. Hoskin tells the PackerPage, "To check for BS, I recommend shouting out the words 'After Further Revue!' and if someone immediately and without hesitation responds with 'The Bears Still Suck!' they most certainly have Bearette’s Syndrome."


Another credible evaluation to discover if you have Bearette's Syndrome is to stare at this test pattern for several seconds and then write down the first thing that pops into your mind.  If it's "This is really stupid," you don't have Bearette's but instead something entirely different and should move the hell out of Illinois as fast as you damn well can before the rest of your brain turns to mush.

Although there are literally millions estimated to have Bearette’s Syndrome, the exact cause of the vocal-tic is still unknown... but just recently it has been well established that both genetic and environmental factors are involved. Recent studies have shown that the overwhelming majority of BS cases are inherit in men and women who dress occasionally in green and/or gold clothing, drink cheap beer, and consume or wear cheese.

In fact, just this past weekend during the last few minutes of the Packers' 45-17 dismantling of the New York Giants at Lambeau Field, 70-thousand fans mysteriously and spontaneously erupted into a thunderous, repetitive chant of "The Bears Still Suck!" What made this occurrence bizarre and especially curious was that there wasn't a single Flatlander in sight and --- because they do have a reputation that's mostly based on luck --- the Chicago Bears finished with an un-sucking winning record slightly ahead of the Packers in the NFC North.

Unconfirmed reports of similar incidents have been rumored to have occurred as far back as the early 1920's when the Green Bay Press-Gazette noted in one of their sports stories that several Packer supporters supposedly bellowed "The Staleys really stink!" at halftime of a game at Hagemeister Park. During the 70’s and 80’s, BS was once considered a rare and unusual malady but over the past couple of decades Bearette's has been accepted and even embraced in Wisconsin. Through his years of research, Dr. Hoskin says he has yet to find anyone with the disorder who has ever sought a cure.

Here's a nice photo of Dr. Marcus Hoskin who is leading the research effort on Bearette's Syndrome.  He explains, "Bearette's is a spectrum disorder in which, BEARS SUCK... severity ranges over a spectrum, CHICAGO BLOWS... from mild to severe.  The majority of cases are low-key and require, BEATEN BEARS MAKE GOOD RUGS... no treatment."

Additional research has revealed that Bearette tics are not so much "involuntary" as they are "compelling." People with BS feel an irresistible urge to perform their tics when hearing of, or encountering someone from Illinois... much like a Packer fan's unexplained urge to kick a Vikings player in the nuts. Some people with BS are able to hold back their tics for up to an hour at a time, but this only leads to a stronger outburst of anti-Bears sentiments once they are finally allowed to be expressed. But Dr. Hoskin says the healthy and American thing to do is to not stifle yourself. He reasoned, "Once Packers fans give up their freedom of blurtatious speech, the Bearorists have won."

In related news, scientists have recently discovered that watching the Miami Dolphins' offense is one of the nation’s leading causes of contagious yawning.

Monday, December 27, 2010

BLIZZARD, SCHMIZZARD

(December 27, 2010) --- Because someone mistakenly thought it was a baseball game, the NFL moved the Vikings-Eagles Sunday Night Football contest to this Tuesday evening because it started to snow in Philadelphia.

Like the Philadelphia Eagles, Cleveland Browns fans are also big into recycling their plastic and glass.
While many Philadelphians thought that postponing yesterday's match-up would give the edge to their running game, the Minnesota Vikings say they would have rather played at Lincoln Financial Field during the blizzard simply because snowballs are softer than batteries and beer bottles.

Some sports enthusiasts say this is just another example of the NFL getting wimpy. “The NFL is becoming sissified,” says longtime football fan Dave Fowler. “Nowadays players can’t do manly things like a dancing in the end-zone, they can’t send a tweet from the sidelines, and now they can’t even go out and play in snow! The league has turned them all into a bunch of pansies!”

Here's a nice picture from that other 1967 "Ice Bowl" on the day Doyd Bowler went for that gutsy game-ending 7-10 split.
There was a time when football was played no matter what the weather conditions were outside.  (ie: "The Ice Bowl" of 1967, "The Fog Bowl" of 1988, "The Dust Bowl" of 1936.)  The weather in Pennsylvania last Sunday was nothing compared to the conditions experienced during the 1948 NFL Championship game when the Chicago Cardinals lost 7-0 to the Philadelphia Eagles in a late December blinding snowstorm where it was so cold that instead of “the finger,” Philly fans were reduced to rudely giving visiting fans “the mitt.”

In fact, it snowed so much at Shibe Field back then that ticket-holders were unable to leave the stadium for weeks... and after concessionaires ran out of cheese steak sandwiches and Iron City brew, Eagles fans resorted to eating the Cardinals’ team roster... a game now known to football historians as “The Canni Bowl.”

Here's a nice vintage photograph of the Chicago Cardinals heading toward the locker-room to warm-up at halftime during the snowy 1948 NFL Championship game at Philadelphia's Shibe Field.
League commissioner Roger Goodell announced that yesterday’s postponed Vikings-Eagles game in Philadelphia has been rescheduled to start at 8pm (ET) this Tuesday making it the third consecutive week Brett Favre’s bad karma has screwed-up scheduling in the NFL.

In related news, the NFL has moved this Sunday’s Bears-Packers game at Lambeau Field from a noon (CT) kick-off to a 3pm start to give all the Wisconsin Badgers fans a few extra hours to recover from their Rose Bowl hangovers.

Monday, December 20, 2010

PACKERS 27-PATRIOTS 31

(December 19, 2010) --- Son of a bitch!

For sale, best offer: Wide screen TV... high def.  Remotes and manuals in good condition.  Slightly noticable hole in middle of screen as a result of watching a kick return by a fat-assed Patriots offensive lineman.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

THE TWELVE BAYS OF CHRISTMAS

(December 18, 2010) --- Like most of us, we’re all dreaming of a Green & Gold Christmas! But have you picked out a present for that hard-to-buy-for Packer Backer on your “nice list” this season? Well, with the holidays just around the corner, the PackerPage continues its series on Green Bay gift giving while taking you through the “12 Days of Christmas” with a unique gift idea each and every day leading up to December 25th.

On the Seventh Day of Christmas...

Don’t you wish there was a way to train that obnoxious Chicago Bears fan to shut-the-hell-up! Packers fans really do try to put up with those Windy City Whiners... there’s no question about that. But sometimes their incessant yakking just gets to be a bit too much.

That’s why every Packers fan should own Bear-Off... the only Bear-fan repellent approved by both the NFL and the ASPCA (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to A-Holes).

"My dad has been complaining about the guy next door who just wouldn't shut-up about how he believed Don Majkowski crossed the line of scrimmage in 1989 or how great the 1985 Chicago Bears were.  It was driving him nuts, so I bought him Bear-Off.  After just one-week of hanging it out of his bedroom window he managed to convert that loud, pathetic Bears fan into a subdued, pathetic Bears fan!  That's because Bear-Off utilizes cutting-edge ultrasonic sound technology to help control near-by boisterous Flatlanders and stop them from incessantly flapping their jaws!  Bear-Off is right on!"

Unlike sticks and stones, Bear-Off uses a frequency that humans cannot hear, but dogs and FIB’s can! With a simple push of a button, near-by unbearable Bears fans will snap to attention and immediately stop their annoying yapping.

After some conditioning, by continual use, you’ll teach that dude with the Ditka ‘stash in a Bears sweater-vest to break that jibber-jabbering habit once and for all.

With just the flick of a switch, Bear-Off will take a loud-mouthed lug from the Land of Lincoln (left) and turn him into a bearly audible Bears fan (right).  Now if this device could only make them completely disappear...
Bear-Off is a small and compact wireless device that can be taken with you on those dreaded trips through Illinois, to games when Chicago plays at Lambeau Field, or while watching an NFL broadcast at your neighborhood sports bar. It's a handy little gadget that is guaranteed to quiet that dog-of-a-Bears fan faster than you can say “The Bears still suck!” Not only does Bear-Off make a terrific stocking-stuffer this Christmas, but it'll also help bring Packers fans one step closer to peace on Earth.

The Lynn Dickey dickey.  And just like Lynn, this dickey comes in both #10 and #12!
Tomorrow for “The Sixth Day of Christmas,” the PackerPage brings you a holiday hint for that Packers fan who is stuck in the 80’s. We’ll let you know where you can pick-up an authentic Lynn Dickey dickey... a mock turtleneck which gives you a fashionable look of layering without the bulk or extra body warmth while at the same time honoring that curly-haired Hall-of-Fame Packer QB from Kansas.

Monday, December 13, 2010

THE VIKINGS GREAT ESCAPE

(December 12, 2010) --- Following several frustrating seasons of threatening to take his franchise elsewhere if he didn’t get a new stadium, Minnesota Vikings owner Zygi Wilf finally snapped. He’s made the decision to move his team out of the state.

Here's a nice picture of the Vikings new home.  Just remember, it's not very safe in Detroit.  Our advice:  While in the city, always lock your car doors because some bad person may get into your vehicle and leave you a pair of tickets to see that team play at Ford Field.  Yikes!
Wilf, embarrassed for years that his team had to play in a big tent with a football field inside of it, had repeatedly begged the city for millions of dollars for a newer and bigger tent. (“Whenever I looked at that cystic eyesore,” said Wilf, “I wanted to pop it like a zit.”) And when begging didn’t work, he resorted to blackmail. But, as Zygi soon discovered, Minnesota doesn’t negotiate with owners of teams who suck.

But Zygi had had enough. “I decided to move the Vikings to a major city that hasn’t had an NFL team in decades... Detroit.”

The PackerPage was told by the league that the Giants-Vikings contest --- originally scheduled to be played yesterday afternoon in Minnesota’s Metrodome --- has already been moved to this evening’s Monday Night Football game at the Detroit Vikings new home at Ford Field.

Zigy & the Sly Czar from Thor's.
Minnesota’s abrupt mid-season move to Detroit happened stealthily in the middle of the night. Late Saturday evening, Wilf brought in a crapload of boxes and packed up his team (big boxes for linebackers, smaller ones for kickers and punters) along with jerseys, equipment and that ugly-bald-but-still-hairy-fur-wearing-dude-with-the-horn-hat-and-an-axe, and sent them east to Michigan. Officials said the transition went quicker and smoother than expected because the Vikings didn’t have to worry about packing up and transporting anything as fragile or important as Super Bowl trophies.

As soon as the moving trucks pulled away, Wilf lingered behind at a tavern within eyeshot of the Dome. Sitting at a table near a window at Bullwinkle’s Saloon, he pulled off the final stage of his dastardly plan. With a can of Schlitz in one hand and the handle of a dynamite plunger in the other, Zygi took a sip of 3.2 beer and then pushed down on the lever which triggered a strategically placed firecracker which turned out to be more than enough explosive power to take down the MetroDump’s outdated white Jiffy Pop rooftop.

Exclusive to the PackerPage: Dramatic before and after photos of the HHH Mall of America Metrodome.  Vikings fans know it wasn't the first thing to collapse in Minnesota this season.
“Minnesotans need to man up.” Wilf explained with a maniacal laugh. “Everyone is so proud of the hardcore winters up here and the fact that they survive them each year. And then they went and built this stupid dome. At least in Detroit they embrace their stupidity.”

“Um... is that microphone on?"

Thursday, December 9, 2010

COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET

(December 9, 2010) --- When the Packers and Bears meet for the 181st time this January 2nd, both teams will look, play and bleed just like they did back when the two clubs first clashed in 1921.
Not only will the Packers and Bears be playing with throwback footballs made from inflated pig blatters this January but fans in the stands will discover that they also make a yummy halftime snack.
Following the success of the Packers’ throwback jerseys they wore last week, the NFL announced today they plan to repeat the process for the last regular season game between the league's two oldest teams, but this time they plan to take the experience a couple of steps further.

"To prepare for the ultimate throwback game featuring the Packers and Bears, we did a lot of research to truly replicate the atmosphere of professional football as it was played 90-years ago," announced NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. "That means no women will be allowed inside to see the game at Lambeau Field... but every man in attendance gets a complimentary fedora and a pack of cigarettes!"

If you are planning to see the Packers and Bears play this January, be sure to pick up one of the retro game programs the NFL will make available to fans at Lambeau Field.  In it you'll find a welcome letter from commissioner Roger Goodell, an interview with Chicago coach Lovie Smith where he explains why Jay Cutler is the best Bears quarterback since Kyle Orton, hair-care tips on avoiding split-ends from Packers linebacker Clay Matthews along with valuable money-saving coupons for such products as None-Such Mince Meat, Viceroy Filtered Cigarettes and Squibbs Cod Liver Oil.
For the league's oldest rivalry next month, the Commissioner said each team will wear NFL gear from the early-1920's which will include tight leather helmets, brown canvas pants and jerseys made entirely of wool. Said Goodell, "You'll see today's players performing just as they did way-back then. You know, walking around with traumatic cerebral contusions, compound bone fractures, missing teeth, bloodied faces, badly bruised nuts and worst of all, itchy chests."

Additionally, both the Bears and Packers will temporarily cut their team rosters to a couple dozen players who will play every down on both offense and defense, just like they did in the olden days. Also, all footballs used will be made of inflated pig bladders... and defensive tackles can not only sack the quarterback, but they can legally bludgeon and maim him as well.

Goodell added, “We haven’t told any of the players yet, but to truly honor the spirit of the of the NFL as it was in 1921, all they’ll get paid that day is a hundred-bucks and a free train ride home.”

Digging Out the Duds

Green Bay Packers
In 1920, the Indian Packing Company was purchased by Wile E. Coyote's Acme Packing Plant. Acme continued its support of Curly Lambeau's team in Green Bay, and in its first season in the NFL the team wore jerseys with the words "ACME PACKERS" emblazoned on the chest. Lambeau, who had attended the University of Notre Dame, borrowed the team's colors of navy blue and gold from the Irish. Little known fact: The way-too-tight-in-the-back-end brown canvas pants were eventual replaced when the NFL banned the "flying wedgie."

Chicago Bears
The early Chicago Staleys football outfits from 1921 were designed by head coach George Halas' former cellmate, full-time mobster and part-time seamstress Samuele Cardinelli. Team historians say the prison stripes on the front of their original team jerseys were a tribute to Halas' alma mater, the Joliet Correctional Center.  Original Staleys on-field gear also included a switchblade, shiv, brass knuckles, and six-feet of strangle wire.

In related news, the New York Giants will also be getting into the NFL throwback spirit as they recently announced they will close out their regular season on January 2nd with a game against the visiting Pottsville Maroons.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

CHILLY AND PHILLIPS: KRAUT OF THE NFL

(November 25, 2010) --- The NFL is now on notice... lose a game to the Packers and you just may lose your job.

The day after Dallas got their silver butts booted 45-7 by the Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field a couple of weeks ago, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones watched carefully as head coach Wade Phillips boxed up his stuff, had his defensive linemen escort him out of his office while Jones gave Phillips one last piece of advice; "Don’t let my million-dollar screen door hit your fat ass on the way out."

Vikings fans finally get their wish.  Now it's not so Chilly in Minnesota.
Then, after the Packers’ next game, it happened again... another NFL head coach was canned smack-dab in the middle of the season. Yep, just 24-hours after the USS Green Bay torpedoed the sinking Vikings’ ship 31-3 in the Land of 10,000 Lakes, Minnesota football fans could still be heard booing as Brad Childress was handed his own personal purple version of the pink slip.

But what now for Phillips and Childress?

Here's a nice photo of former Dallas head coach Wade Phillips' ass (left) moments before it was "screen-doored..." and of the fern (right) that Cowboys' owner Jerry Jones appointed to take over as the team's new offensive coordinator.
Well, apparently they have already found new gigs. The PackerPage and Entertainment Weekly report that CBS television has signed the two former head coaches to play key roles in their revival of the Sixties military TV sitcom "Hogan’s Heroes."

Nancy Tellem, President of CBS Network Television Entertainment, said she couldn’t believe their luck. "Around the same time Phillips and Childress were fired from their coaching jobs, we just happened to be casting for someone to play the role of a fat, dumb, inept German sergeant and a bald, skinny, bumbling Nazi colonel. It was a perfect fit!"

Final score: Hogan's Heroes 35-Stalag 13.
"Hogan’s Heroes" revolves around the story of two incompetent Germans who are in charge of Stalag-13, a POW camp for captured Allied airmen during World War II which features Colonel Wilhelm Klink (Brad Childress) and Master Sergeant Georg Schultz (Wade Phillips). Tellem proclaimed, "They were born to play these roles!"

Klink and Schultz initially think their camp is inescapable and that they will win the war, but instead they are often the subject of ridicule, espionage and sabotage by the Allied prisoners they are supposedly in charge of -- led by U.S Air Force Colonel Robert E. Hogan (to be played by Wisconsin-born actor Chris Noth). In fact, the two Nazi’s are so incompetent and delusional that they are often threatened to be fired by their superiors and sent to the Russian Front. And, just like the real-life Childress and Wade, hilarity ensues.

(Scene from "Hogan's Heroes" starring Wade Phillips and Brad Childress.)
Schultz: "My Herr ex-Kommandant."  Klink: "What is it, Schultz?"  Schultz: "I have good news, and bad news."  Klink: "Give me the good news first, Schultz."  Schultz: "The Gestapo ordered you to be shot first thing in the morning."  Klink: "That's the good news?!  What's the bad news?"  Schultz: "They're not giving you a blindfold."  Klink: "Anything else?"  Schultz: "They're asking for volunteers for the firing squad."  Klink: "Ha!  They'll never get any volunteers from my men!"  Schultz: "I beg to report, Herr Kommandant, they did."  Klink: "How many volunteered?"  Schultz: "Forty-nine."  Klink: "How many men do we have?"  Schultz: "Fifty-five."  Klink: "At least six of my men are loyal."  Schultz: "No, Herr Kommandant.  Two are in the hospital and four are physically unable to shoot."  Klink: "Wait a minute.  Wait a minute!  We only have fifty-three men!"  Schultz: "Not counting the two you cut from the squad earlier this year.  But they came back this morning when they heard you were going to be shot."
The first episode of the new "Hogan’s Heroes" is set to debut February 11th on CBS airing opposite NBC's special installment of "American Sportsman" titled "Hunting Bear in Chicago."

Thursday, November 18, 2010

VIKINGS ASSIST FAVRE IN RETHINKING RETIREMENT

(November 17, 2010) --- Brett Favre is back home in Mississippi.

Just days after the team's 27-13 loss to the Chicago Bears, Vikings teammates Jared Allen, Ryan Longwell and Steve Hutchinson took the day off from practice yesterday to visit Favre at his home in Eden Prairie, Minnesota.

The players said they made the trip to apologize to Favre. They told him the team may have been a little bit too pushy last August when they begged the veteran quarterback to return for a second season in purple. Longwell said, "We told Brett we now realize that we were very selfish and only thinking of ourselves when we initially asked him to come back. That wasn’t fair to him or us. We just wanted to give him a second-chance to rethink his decision of rejoining the Vikings this year."

Just as his limo sped-off to the airport, Brett Favre shed a few tears and mumbled a couple of goodbyes as he bid farewell to Minnesota and football.  By-the-way, this is nothing.  You should have seen how Childress delivered Randy Moss to Tennessee.
Hutchinson agreed. "All the while we were stuffing him into the trunk of the limo that Chilly rented for us, we told Brett he had a good run in the NFL and that 19-and-a-half seasons in the league is something to be very proud of."

The trio said they surprised Favre with the VIP treatment he deserved. After a stretch limousine ride to the airport, Brett was carried aboard a private jet to fly him home to Hattiesburg, Mississippi. Said Longwell, "We think we helped him make the right decision."

You might remember it was just three-months ago when the Vikings added $17-million to Favre’s contract to persuade him to play a second-season in Minnesota. But are the 3-and-6 Vikings having a case of buyer’s remorse? Not so, according to Brett's teammates.

Said Allen, "It had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that in just nine-games he's thrown an NFL-leading 16-interceptions, lost six fumbles, or that his passer-rating ranks 31st in the league... or that our 41-year old buddy has an injured shoulder, his foot is falling off or that his willie has been getting more press than Justin Beiber's hair. That would be nitpicking. We just made him an offer he couldn’t refuse."

"Constitutionally, gentlemen, you have the Vikings Owner, the Head Coach and the Quarterback, in that order... and should the Owner decide he wants to transfer the helm to the Quarterback, he will do so.  He has not done that.  As of now, I am in control here, in the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome."
In his weekly press conference earlier today, Vikings head coach Brad Childress read a farewell letter he said was left behind by Favre. The note, written on the back of Brad Childress stationary, read; "Dear Chilly, Sorry to bail out on you mid-season but it's time for me to step down and retire... for real. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for mucking-up the Vikings season and for not always heeding your advice on the football field. After all, you are a brilliant coach and I was just one of the many players you were the boss of. If anybody can turn this team around, it's you. Good luck against the Packers. Sincerely, Brett Favre."

Several attempts were made to reach Brett for comment but all calls went unanswered. Apparently upon his arrival in Hattiesburg, Favre was released into the custody of his wife Deanna who immediately confiscated his cell-phone.

Friday, November 12, 2010

CLAY MATTHEWS: HEAD & SHOULDERS ABOVE THE REST

(November 11, 2010) --- Beware of the Hair!

Quarterbacks in the NFL know that Packers’ linebacker Clay Matthews is a freakin' scary hairy beast on the football field.

But how does this long-locked linebacker muster his muscle? Where does his dominating power come from? How does he tap into his inner toughness? Well, it turns out his strength stems from... his hair.

After weeks of intense background analysis, the PackerPage genealogy research staff has determined Clay Matthews to be a direct descendant of Samson Agonistes. It's true! And we wouldn't Deliliah to you!

It's common knowledge that Clay Matthews' father Clay Matthews Jr. (Browns, Falcons) and uncle Bruce Matthews (Oilers, Titans) also had Hair Power.  It's what you'd call "Family Heirs."
And just like his 2,000-plus year old ancestor, the longer the mop, the bigger the whop... or in Clay's case, the longer the mane, the shorter their gain.

Sunday night, the second-year linebacker from USC dominated Dallas from the get-go. He was practically living in the Cowboys’ backfield. The Big Blonde Bull was deflecting passes, stuffing short-yardage runs, burying backs, eating OT's and crapping centers. The Claymaker was near the ball on just about every snap.

In fact, his follicles racked up four tackles, his split-ends deflected two passes, his sandy strands sacked a quarterback and his copious coif even turned a fumble into a TD. On that key interception, Matthews' long locks latched onto a ball (that was tipped by A.J. Hawk's bangs), and took it 62-yards for a Green Bay score.

We rest our case.
Matthews owns the title of "NFL’s sack king," and after knocking the Kitna out of the Dallas Cowboys' quarterback last Sunday night, Clay now has a total of 10.5 sacks so far this season, putting his hair on track to break the single-season sack record of 22.5 (set by Michael Strayhair in 2002). Clay has yet to have a bad-hair day this season.

But Matthews credits his success to the rest of the team, coach Mike McCarthy and especially his hair stylist who puts him through grueling two-a-day workouts which include intense conditioning... not to mention scrunching, brushing, shampooing, untangling, teasing and straightening.

And despite trading Al Harris to the Miami Dolphins last week, the Green Bay Packers still lead all teams in the NFL in the category of "total hair."

The 2010 Green Bay PackHairs currently lead the league in "total hair..." not to mention "locks" and "brushing."
The next game for the Packers will be on November 21st against the Minnesota Vikings who have been training their offensive line how to block, tackle, clip and trim while Brett Favre has been busy texting Matthews daily gift certificates to SuperCuts.

The Steelers dropped to seconds place in "total hair" after it was discovered through his agent that Pittsburgh strong safety Troy Polamalu filed for extensions.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

WADE NO MORE

(November 9, 2010) --- In case you haven't heard, Wade Phillips was fired from the Dallas Cowboys one day after his team got spanked (45-7) by the Green Bay Packers in Lambeau Field last Sunday night.

Replacing Phillips as the Cowboys' new warden will be the team's assistant correction's officer and offensive coordinator Jason Garrett. You may remember that Garrett’s big claim-to-fame was carrying Troy Aikman's clipboard during the Cowboys' 1993 and 1995 Super Bowl wins.


But honestly... how could Jerry Jones be so insensitive as to fire a man who is six-months pregnant?

This is the first time in Dallas Cowboys history that a head coach has been fired mid-season, and the very first time an NFL team has experienced implosions at two different stadiums in the same year.

The 1-7 Cowboys --- who have now lost their last five games --- are off to their worst start since 1989... you know, back in the good old days when their defense coordinator was Johnnie Cochran.

But not all Cowboys fans were totally happy with the news of Phillips firing. Longtime Dallas backer Tony Ponorica admitted he was very upset he lost his scapegoat. He wondered, “NOW who we gonna blame for being so God-awful crappy?”


"I'm not telling you how to do your job, but..."

What’s next for Wade? Well, he himself is not yet entirely sure. But he did say he’s hopeful he’ll get his old part-time job back of carrying the bags under Jerry Jones’ eyes.

In related news, the FDA issued a stern warning to all Americans that the mixture of tryptophan from your turkey dinner combined with having to watch the Cowboys and Lions on Thanksgiving Day may well induce widespread diaboring comas.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

RANDY MOSS TAKES HIS BEEF TO TENNESSEE

(November 5, 2010) --- Just one month ago, Randy Moss gushed about rejoining the Minnesota Vikings. He felt fortunate to return to his first team and was looking forward to once again dining on lutefisk, wild rice and rainbow trout in the Land of 10,000 Lakes.

But just one day after Moss' highly publicized rant during a Twin Cities team buffet, the happy reunion was suddenly over.


LEFT: Spoiled brat.  RIGHT: Spoiled brat.  Know the difference.

Vikings head coach Brad Childress informed his team during a meeting that the finicky wide receiver had been permanently removed from the squad's weekly reservation list. Childress stated, "We wish Randy the best as he moves forward with his particular dietary needs and tastes."

The PackerPage discovered Moss was fired from the Vikings when his brutally honest food reviews differed drastically from the rest of the staff. While most of the Vikings players "absolutely loved" last week's locker-room buffet, Moss gave the chicken and ribs two-thumbs down... and the round of beef he examined at the carving station faired no better. According to teammates, Moss shouted, "What the (expletive) is this? I wouldn't feed this (expletive expletive) to my (expletive) dog!"

Brett Favre, on the other hand, repeatedly claimed that he had enough to eat but was seen returning to the buffet table at least four-times.


Right about now former Vikings head coach Dennis Green is rolling over in his gravy.

Moss' brutal comments didn't sit well with boneless chicken-breast connoisseur Childress. "He said didn't like the surf & turf after our loss to the Jets... he bitched that our chicken wings were 'too spicy' after we dropped that game to the Packers... and last week he went on-and-on about how he missed Belichick's creamy New England clam chowder." Apparently, Childress was livid. "After four weeks of bad food reviews, I just came to the conclusion that there is no pleasing the guy, so we cut him loose."

Football fans will remember that it was just a little over a month ago when New England coach Bill Belichick released Moss from the team immediately after the receiver publicly stated the Patriots' clam chowder was too salty. Then strangely, just one month later, after the Vikings lost to his former Patriots team, Moss had a change-of-heart and redacted his chowder comments. He said, "I'm definitely down that Minnesota's food sucks. I don't remember it being this bland. I don't know how many more times I'll be in New England again. I don't know how many more times I'll taste that clam chowder again. But I stand here giving Boston and that thick white soup a salute. I love that chowder. I miss it. I'm out."

After being dumped by the Vikings last week, 21 teams in the league passed on the controversial NFL left-over until the Tennessee Titans cleared a place for him at their table. Head coach Jeff Fisher explained that they desperately needed to acquire a turkey in time for Thanksgiving.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

TOP FIVE PACKERPAGE HALLOWEEN COSTUMES OF 2010

(October 31, 2010) --- Happy Halloween from the PackerPage!

Have you put any thought into what you might wear later tonight to that costume party? Well, the key factor is to be topical but not overdone... and be original. You don’t want to be one of the many Christine O'Donnell witches or dusty Chilean coal miners staggering around tonight, do you? Besides, you’re a football fan, so why not outfit yourself with something that lets everyone know who you love... or who you love to hate. As usual, dressing up as Curly Lamboo and Vince Lambatty will always be a hit in Wisconsin. But if you’re looking to be something a little bit different for this year’s Monster Mash, here’s the latest PackerPage list of what we feel will be the “Top-5” Most Popular Packer Halloween Costumes of 2010.

A Detroit Lions Fan

Nothing says “Loser” more than the Detroit Lions. Since Halloween of 2007, the team has played 47 games of which they’ve won just five. If you’re a Packers fan, this could be your tribute to the team that hands you those two easy wins each season. And it’s a great costume for those last minute Trick or Treaters. All you need is a Detroit Lions jersey, a magic marker and a paper bag from your local grocery store. But remember, if you’re a Chicago Bears fan, simply substitute paper with plastic.


Jay Cutler

Apparently catching a pass from Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler isn’t very hard to do. In 59 games, Cutler has thrown 70 interceptions. 70! And so far this year Jay has been sacked a total of 27 times, (nine of those during the first half of their game against the Giants). Because Cutler gives away footballs like we hand out candy on Halloween, what better costume to wear on October 31st than a burlap sack with a navy-blue #6 displayed on the front... while handing out complimentary miniature footballs, of course!  And be sure to do it while sitting on the ground.


The Packers PUP Roster

You know most Packer fans are going to dress-up as Aaron Rodgers this Halloween... and why not? The guy’s a stud. But why not be a bit different and take the more difficult path and represent Ryan Grant, Jermichael Finley, Nick Barnett, Al Harris, Atari Bigby and a dozen other hurt Green Bay players all at the same time? Simply wrap yourself in a full body-cast to symbolize the blown knees, concussions, sprained ankles, turf toes, fractured arms, broken legs and whatever other injuries have ravaged the Packers’ roster this season. Either that, or dress up as a giant Super Bowl XLV trophy with green and gold crutches!


A Chicago Bears Fan

Not everyone goes as Angels or Mother Theresa’s on All Hallow’s Eve. As you well know, most people instead like to represent the evil, bad and creepy side of life and dress up as slutty devils, slutty ghosts, slutty vampires and even slutty Mother Theresa’s. But if you want to be extra evil and incredibly creepy, head to that Halloween party as your average Chicago Bears’ fan. All you need to make the costume complete is a Bears’ jacket, hat and one of those ridiculous, outdated Mike Ditka-styled mustaches. Now that’s big, dumb and really scary... but in a don’t-get-too-close-you-might-catch-something kind of way.


Brett Favre

Within the span of just three-years, this once “most-loved” quarterback has managed to piss-off most of the NFL and turn the average football fan into an amateur urologist. From his annual retirements to sexting body parts, Favre has become a bit of a league nuisance... and probably the best Halloween costume idea of 2010! There are several ways of becoming Brett Favre on October 31st, but we’ll leave you with the easiest. All you need is a #4 jersey, a pair of crocs and a cell-phone camera. To complete the outfit, leave the Wranglers at home. Then, when you get to your costume party, say you're going to quit and leave the party, but then come back a few minutes later. Do this, like, eight times and you’re guaranteed to be the party’s MVPP!  There really is no better way to say, "Happy Halloweenie!"

Sunday, October 24, 2010

NFC NORTH QUARTERBACK FAQ'S

(October 23, 2010) --- How well do you know your NFC North quarterbacks? Okay smartass; let’s take a quick QB pop quiz.

Aside from gold, name one of the colors Aaron Rodgers wears when he’s playing for the Green Bay Packers. Can you correctly spell “Favre?” Would you like to punch Jay Cutler in the face?

The National Football League... truly a game of inches.
You’ll discover that there’s a big difference in the quarterbacks that lead the Packers, Bears and Vikings. For instance, Aaron Rodgers is known for making good decisions, Jay Cutler is known for making bad decisions, and everyone knows Brett Favre can’t make one at all.

Always remember, being an informed sports fan is more important than ever, and this in-depth PackerPage quarterback guide will help you dish out the bull when sucking down brewskis with your NFL buds and add some much needed machismo when you’re trying to impress the ladies.

You’ll find all the vital information about the guys that take the snaps in the Black & Blue division right here at your fingertips, so don't watch a single game without this useful tool. Speaking of tools... let’s start with that Vikings’ quarterback.


Brett Lorenzo Favre

The Vikings have put themselves in a situation where they live and die with Brett Favre. And football fans in Minnesota know their lake shanty is on thin ice.

Favre is bruised and battered and extremely bummed. He has tendinitis in his throwing arm, a very sore ankle, and his Blackberry is on the fritz.

Favre has become just another football player. His sun is setting; his leaves are changing color; his cell-phone minutes are all used up. Favre is ordinary enough that his quarterback rating has fallen to 72.1 (28th in the league), down there with Alex Smith, Sam Bradford and you. And after five-games this season, Brett still has more interceptions than touchdowns. But you really do have to admit, Favre’s late fourth-quarter game-losing picks are a thing of beauty.

Then there’s his age. Grandpa Brett is so old he now needs a seeing-eye center to lead him to the huddle. Favre is so ancient that every time he steps onto the football field he yells at all the young players to get off of his lawn. He’s been in the NFL so long that when he first started playing football he was sending women lewd telegraph messages.

Sure, some still regard Favre as the league’s “Ol’ Gunslinger,” but it turns out all he’s packing today is an unloaded pocket Derringer.


Jay Nimrod Cutler

When the Denver Broncos traded quarterback Jay Cutler to the Chicago Bears in 2009, the Vanderbilt standout was labeled as arrogant, a crybaby and a malcontent. Bears fans only cared that he wasn’t Rex Grossman. That was, until he threw 26 interceptions.

Sure, Cutler made Brett Favre’s arm seem like a precision-guided smart-bomb launcher... but that was last year. This season Cutler has the most relaxing gig of any QB in the NFL because he’s spending most of his playing-time... on his back. In fact, Cutler has been sacked so many times (23 so far this season, including nine in one game) that he should be wearing burlap. It’s gotten so bad that Jay is considering asking the NFL if he can hike the ball to himself while defenders count to five before they’re allowed to cross the line of scrimmage.

But apparently, when you have a dysfunctional organization who hires a dysfunctional offensive coordinator to lead a dysfunctional quarterback, you’re going to have problems. It’s either that, or Cutler’s ungroovy Justin Bieber haircut.

Jay Cutler: Just the right talent in his arm to justify running the ball 95% of the time.


Aaron Charles Rodgers

Rodgers is the first quarterback in league history to throw for 4,000 yards his first two seasons as a starter. But his progress this season has been hampered by so many injuries that team meetings and practices have been moved to St. Vincent Hospital.

Ryan Grant, Jermichael Finley, Ryan Pickett, Clay Matthews, Brandon Chillar, Nick Barnett, Al Harris, Atari Bigby, Mark Tauscher, Chad Clifton, Ace E. Elle, Irv Toe, Abe Rayshon and Brian Hemorrhage have all either missed time or suffered season-ending injuries for Green Bay. Sadly, even some of the injuries have injuries.

In fact, Packers coach Mike McCarthy says if they lose anyone else on offense, Rodgers may be forced to throw passes to himself.

Another concern is protection. We want Rodgers to get it! (And we hope Favre is using it.) Aaron Rodgers has been sacked 14-times so far this season which some say is the result of holding onto the ball a little bit too long. Aside from receivers who need to be open and a more solid offensive-line, Rodgers needs to get creative to prevent becoming a sack victim. For instance, while Aaron is scrambling, the least he could do is pump-fake a rocket-ball into the approaching defender’s gonads. Psych!

But overall, Rodgers rules the roost. The rest are just cock-a-doodle-doodoos. And we know that’s true because Brett Favre has photographic proof.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

NFL TO BAN DISTURBING “HEAD SHOTS”

(October 20, 2010) --- "We cannot and will not tolerate what we saw last Sunday," said NFL vice president of operations Ray Anderson. "We've got to get the message to players that these upsetting head-shots will be met with a very necessary higher standard of accountability for such offensive and deliberate shots."

Brett Favre: In favor of head-shots.
When NFL commissioner Roger Goodell first witnessed those head-shots last week, he said he cringed and then threw-up a little in his mouth. Anderson said he had to use 20-bottles of Visine to bleach his eyes and then had to pull out that part of his brain with an oyster fork so he could soak it in ammonia.

Needless to say, the league had seen enough and said it is taking immediate action.

The NFL has announced, effective this weekend, even first-time offenders will face fines and suspensions for disturbing head-shots, the ones that could very possibly lead to long term brain damage.

But some in the league disagree. In fact, veteran quarterback Brett Favre says he’s taken dozens of head-shots over the years and thinks it’s no big deal. Even some Vikings fans think that such head shots are harmless and only lead to uncontrollable snickering.

NFL referee Ed Hochuli was called in to revue Favre's head shot to see if there was a penalty such as encroachment, taunting, illegal use of hands, ineligible member or possibly using a helmet as a weapon.
The NFL’s tough new rules came out of the league’s investigation into the disturbing head shots Favre allegedly texted to reporter Jenn Sterger when both were employed by the New York Jets two years ago.

“I would rather have witnessed Clay Matthews stick his hand into an opposing quarterback’s chest, pull out his heart, take a bite, sack him for a 30-yard loss and give him a football transplant before ever seeing what I saw between Favre’s legs.”

Anderson said he was only reviewing the evidence when he was exposed to the picture. "We're talking about life-altering circumstances here. Sadly, I’ll never be able to get that likeness of that little Mississippi pee-pee out of my head. We just can’t let anything like that ever happen again in the NFL.”

In related news, the state of Wisconsin has updated its pornography laws which now make it illegal for anyone to possess images of Mike Ditka’s face.

Friday, October 15, 2010

QUARTERBACK'S SACK

(October 14, 2010) --- As John Lennon once sang, "Instant Karma's gonna getcha."   But for Brett Favre that karma came in the form of a football.  During yesterday's Minnesota Vikings practice, Favre tried to be Mr. Fancy Pants One-Handed Grab, but he failed to catch the ball and subsequently got clobbered in the frank and beans.  The good news: he's not feeling the pain in his arm anymore.  So, if you would like to see Brett Favre get hit in the MVPP, click here.

Down goes Favre!  Quick!  Someone call Bob Saget so he can award Brett Favre this week's $10,000 prize!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

PANTS ON THE GROUND!

(October 13, 2010) --- Despite the mainstream media's lies and smears, the PackerPage is here to report that Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre continues to have very high approval ratings... mostly in places like Eastern Minnesota, Southern Mississippi and John Madden’s motor-home.

Now that's one quarterback sack most fans do not want to see.  Ever.
Apparently, several news outlets are issuing stories that the NFL is reviewing allegations that flirty audio clips and racy pictures were sent by Favre to sports reporter Jenn Sterger when both were employed by the New York Jets two seasons ago. They claim that Brett’s cell-phone pictures of his “Little Lorenzo” were recently... um, intercepted... and posted on-line.

These rumors began to break nationally just before Minnesota visited New York for a Monday Night Football game earlier this week in which the Vikes had to play football while poor Brett’s privates became virtually-viral all the while having to endure tendinitis in his throwing elbow, (most likely the result of how he's been gripping his game balls).

Favre: "So sorry for the distraction, guys.  I promise I'll make it up to you with an awesome boat party after the season is over."
Favre fans agree that members of the mainstream media need to stop dicking around with their limp treatment of a very hairy situation by dipstick journalists who don’t have the balls to admit they made a whopper of a big boner. The PackerPage promises not to stoop to such sophomoric journalistic behavior and will be giving the three-time MVP the benefit of the doubt.

Anonymous sources close to the PackerPage claim all Favre was doing was helping Sterger by giving her an early scoop on his career move from the Jets to the Vikings by texting her a photo of Mini-Brett in a purple helmet. It’s either that or the fault of a sensitive cell-phone camera button and a defective pair of Wrangler jeans.

BrINT came up short in the Vikings' 29-20 loss last Monday against the Jets amid crazy rumors Favre let it all hang out.  The only overexposed dick the PackerPage could find in Minnesota was Randy Moss.
But despite those very plausible explanations, there are some who are actually turning their backs on the NFL vet. Some in Wisconsin say they are proud that the Green Bay Packers won Super Bowl XXXI, but now deny that Favre was ever a part of that team. These so-called TD-Party "Badger Birthers" refuse to believe Brett was their quarterback unless some kind of special document is produced that says otherwise.

The PackerPage will continue its probe into Little Lorenzo’s 15-minutes of unanticipated fame. But so far we were unable to find any skeletons in Brett Favre’s closet... just a crapload of complimentary Wrangler jeans.

And a penis pump.

With the elections just a couple of weeks away, next week the PackerPage examines the Upper Midwest weiner debate.  What's your preference?  A Minnesota kielbasa or a Wisconsin bratwurst.  Don't forget to vote on November 2nd!

Friday, October 8, 2010

MEET BRADY'S LADIES

(October 8, 2010) --- Just days after the Patriots traded Randy Moss away from their roster, head coach Bill Belichick is thinking of unloaded another New England veteran... Tom Brady.

Ex-Patriot QB Tom Brady?  NFL leader in long passes, shuttle passes and passes at supermodels.
After just four games into the 2010 NFL season, the New England Patriots have come to realize that this will not be their year. So instead of going through the motions with their aging line-up, it looks as though head coach Bill Belichick is unloading a few of the old farts on the team to make room for some new blood next season.

First to go was Moss, who Belichcik sent packing to the NFL’s current retirement home, the Minnesota Vikings.  Then news was leaked that Patriots quarterback Tom Brady will be traded out of the NFL to the Philadelphia Passion of the start-up Lingerie Football League.

"While I will keep private the details of intimate conversations with players and staff, suffice it to say that many things were taken into consideration before making the trade," Belichick said. “Basically, Brady has a nice tooshie... one of the best in the league. We decided that he might just be a better fit in Philly and the LFL.”

Tom Brady said he has always admired the Philadelphia Passion whenever they ran their famous naked booty-leg waggle and said he would someday like to get in on some of that play-action.
Although it has been clear that Moss was traded to Minnesota for a third-round 2011 draft pick and 500 pounds of lutefisk, Brady’s possble trade to the Passion is still surrounded in a bit of mystery.

But sources close to the PackerPage say the decision was mutual. Brady wanted to take snaps from underneath future LFL Hall-of-Dame center Tyrah Lusby, and Belichick needed the money from the trade to pay for better surveillance technology.

It’s no wonder why the Passion want Brady. So far this season he has thrown an average of two-TD’s per game, has one of the top quarterback rankings in the NFL and by far gets more slaps-on-the-ass from teammates than anywhere else in the league. According to Patriots’ running back Danny Woodhead, “I gotta admit that Tommy sure looked good in those tiger-print thong bikini underwears. We’re gonna miss that little man-whore.”

In related news, Vikings quarterback Brett Favre also expressed interest in playing with athletes in the Lingerie Football League next season and apparently has already texted some of the ladies a few resume photos of his “physique.”

"So this one time... at Jets camp..."
"Say 'Hello' to my little Lorenzo!"